I went trainspotting once.
It was really easy.
They're fucking massive and make loads of noise.
=====
So there I was, wanking myself off, when suddenly I thought, "This prostitute is fucking lazy".
=====
Watching Comic Relief made me feel sorry for those poor uneducated kids.
Too thick to realise One Direction are a meaningless pile of shit.
=====
I hate current buns.
I prefer the old school ones.
=====
Fight Club is on TV tonight, but I wasn't supposed to tell you that.
=====
I lost my job after my boss was told about the pornographic images on my PC.
My own fault really.
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have sellotaped them around the rim of the monitor.
=====
We all masturbate in the same language.
Loneliness.
=====
BBC News: Blue Peter are looking for a Transsexual presenter.
Here's one I made girlier.
=====
I only donated money to Comic Relief because I heard Jessie J was gonna shave herself live on TV.
As soon as I pulled my pants up, I asked for my money back.
=====
In the pub, my mate was telling me about some of his great experiences he'd had recently with prostitutes and callgirls.
"Aren't you worried about infection? I mean STDs and all that." I asked
"No, not really," he said. "They're all professionals and that's just a risk they have to take."
=====
The new pope.
Once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn't want.
=====
I usually point out the obvious.
The rest of the time, I don't.
=====
I'm not saying my ex is fat, but she gets hate mail from gravity.
=====
I said to my mate, "How did your night out go?"
He said, "I was smashed. Last thing I remember was talking to a bird at the bar. Then I woke up next to a fucking fat, ugly lump this morning. Still. At least I made it home."
=====
My doctor said, "I'm afraid this is going to hurt you.........I've been shagging your wife."
=====
Well done lads, steak and blowjob day has been a great success.
Now for project bacon and anal day.
=====
Politicians are like one of those 3D stereogram pictures.
If you stare at them very hard, after a while you can see a twat.
=====
I'm in a band called 'The Beatles'.
To be honest, we're more into copyright infringement than music.
=====
So, all of our snack foods like crisps and chocolate bars have the amount of calories displayed on the wrappers now.
All that means is that in the future, we may have a load of fat kids who struggle to breath but at least they'll be good at maths.
=====
BBC News: Iran is suing the makers of the movie Argo, as they claim the movie is an unrealistic portrayal of their country.
In other news: Scotland have taken Dreamworks to court over the movie Shrek.
=====
I think 'Comic Relief', tonight has finally proven there is no God.
I mean if there were a God, why would he needlessly allow James Corden to work, when he is about as funny as this joke.
=====
Steak and blow job day didn't work out as I'd planned.
As she passed me my 12oz sirloin, I flopped out my cock.
The young girl behind the meat counter was traumatised, and I'm now banned from Morrisons.
=====
'Large crack' opens on Dorset coastline.
A spokesman for Weymouth council says there is nothing to worry about, Jordan's holiday ends on Sunday.
=====
Jason Manford wanted to be on this year's Comic Relief until he realised he had painfully misunderstood the show's concept.
I think I've finally answered the question. "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"
Whichever of the two was male.
=====
Comic Relief say that a net can save the life of a child in Africa.
Who the fuck is Annette and why is she so special?
=====
When it comes to getting my languages confused, I am numero une.
=====
I have my steak so rare, that it helps me eat the salad.
=====
I just read that the film POMPEII is being made.
I've looked on IMDB and I can't find POMPE.
=====
I was sexually active at 12.
Its now 12:40 and my wrist is sore.
=====
Teacher: Now then class, let's do some simple sums. I give you £10 and you take a £1. What do I have?
Little Johnny: A bank account in Cyprus, Miss.
=====
Why do people say "I know that like the back of my hand?"
I don't even know the back of my hand that well.
Though, I'm intimately involved with the front of my hand, but that's not important here.
=====
Seagulls really are the Chavs of the sky.
They squawk at you aggressively while you're minding your own business, mess up your car when you leave it parked, breed recklessly and scavenge wherever they go, and you can get into a lot of trouble if you shoot them.
=====
I'm going to make a secret pornography organization called the illuminaughty.
=====
Sky News: An educational psychologist has claimed that schoolgirls nowadays are under increasing pressure to 'look like porn stars and get lots of A's'.
Whichis ironic, because porn stars are under pressure to look like schoolgirls and get lots of A.
=====
"I trust you as far as I could throw you."
I said to my trustworthy hamster.
=====
My mum's started having hot flushes.
Something tells me that I fucked up plumbing in her new toilet.
=====
"I've started dressing up my penis as a clown before sex." I confessed to my mate.
"That's a pretty weird fetish" he replied.
"It's not a fetish, it just hurts less when my girlfriend laughs at it."
=====
It's incredible to think of one's ancestors living in trees, walking naked through the forest and starting fires by rubbing two sticks together.
But shit happens when my grandparents hit the gin.
=====
I'm so rock and roll that I live my life by the Spinal Tap rule; turn everything up to 11!
Haven't had a decent slice of toast in years.
=====
Anyone else half expecting Michael Owen's retirement from football to be delayed by an injury.
=====
I've got such an addiction to porn that actually getting a girlfriend has ruined my sex life.
=====
It's always best to weigh yourself first thing in the morning after you've been to the toilet.
That way you won't shit all over the bathroom scales.
=====
I'm in a very open relationship.
I'm single.
=====
Jodie Marsh has claimed she suffers from body dysmorphia.
She says "I look in the mirror and see someone fat"
I look at her and see someone with a cock.
=====
I've been wanking so furiously nrecently, that my sperm arew now carbonated.
=====
I yawned so loudly this morning, a female Wookie knocked on my door and asked for sex.
=====
The first time I got a blow job, I was over the moon.
It got lonely in the lunar module, and Neil promised not to tell anyone.
=====
I just gave my cat some 7UP.
Now he's got 16 lives.
=====
So, Twitter is 7 years old.
Which makes it more surprising that there isn't more 70's showbiz types on it.
=====
When I say that I'm in a very open relationship.
I mean that I'm single.
=====
I handed the guy in the chippy a £20 note yesterday and he held it up to the daylight to examine it.
As I stood there anxiously hoping he wouldn't notice he eventually said it... "Have you wiped your arse with this?"
=====
Auto-correct has become my worst enema.
=====
I called the procrastination society the other day.
They put me on hold.
=====
I was surprised to find out how many American soldiers fell in World War II.
Clumsy bastards, weren't they.
=====
I've just heard that horror novelist James Herbert has died at 69.
I can think of scarier ways to die.
=====
"Clownfish are sequential hermaphrodites, meaning that they develop into males first, and when they mature, they become females. If the female clownfish is removed from the group, such as by death, one of the largest and most dominant males will become a female."
So that's why his Dad was desperate to find Nemo.
=====
This morning, I walked across the street & was hit by a Smart Car going 40 mph.
I'm being sued for damages.