What are the 5 most talked-about things in the news this week?.
Don't know Jimmy, give us a clue.
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What's thick, white and comes in your burger?
McDonald's staff.
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My dyslexic geometry teacher died today..
He's with the angles now.
=====
I'm Wayne rooneys biggest fan.
I'm 43 stone.
=====
I left an apple outside my local GP's surgery.
Now the Doctors won't be able to get in.
=====
What's the worst thing about having sex with a hooker?
Turning up for training on Tuesday.
=====
I miss the old days when pop songs were about weasels.
=====
Sepp Blatter is so Anti-English, he may as well be Scottish.
Actually, I wish he was.
At least then he would have no reason to turn up to football tournaments.
=====
Two dogs are walking down the road.
One dog says "do you use protection when you have sex?"
The other says "durex".
"I asked you first" says the first dog.
=====
"What's a transexual?" I asked my wife.
"Shut up and keep sucking!"
=====
I watched the deleted scenes on a porno last night and the guy did fix the washing machine after all.
=====
I was outside my house having a cigarette when I noticed how depressing my recylcing box is; an empty box of tissues, an individual pizza and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Just as I was looking, my new neighbour came to introduce himself.
We stood chatting for a bit when he said,
"Let me guess, you're a bit of a lonely bastard?"
"You noticed the recycling then?" I replied, looking sheepish.
"It's not that mate. You just won't stop holding my hand."
=====
I had a bit of bad luck after I saw a black cat earlier.
It was a panther and it bit my fucking arm off.
=====
After searching for what seemed most of my life, I finally found my long lost brother.
Now it's my turn to hide.
=====
I looked out of my window this morning & saw the neighbours dog doing a shit on my lawn, i thought
"I'm going to post that through his fucking letterbox"
It was tricky fitting a Labrador through a gap that small, but a hacksaw & a food blender helped.
=====
I woke up this morning and I couldn't believe my eyes.
I looked around and everything was gone.
My TV, my wardrobes, my bedside cabinet, gone.
I shouted for my wife and after a few seconds she came into the room.
"What the fuck happened here?" I asked.
She said, "You were drunk last night."
"Where's the tv, wardrobes & bedside cabinet?"
"In the bedroom" she replied, "You're in the fucking shed."
=====
I don't know why people are so surprised by David Cameron's comments about Jimmy Carr, the Conservative party have been clamping down on people who don't pay tax for years.
It's just that they started with the elderly, the disabled and the unemployed.
=====
If only I had been born a lego brick.
I could have made something of my life.
=====
My dyslexic mate wears Reebok shoes.
He's Lacoste intollerant.
Don't know Jimmy, give us a clue.
=====
What's thick, white and comes in your burger?
McDonald's staff.
=====
My dyslexic geometry teacher died today..
He's with the angles now.
=====
I'm Wayne rooneys biggest fan.
I'm 43 stone.
=====
I left an apple outside my local GP's surgery.
Now the Doctors won't be able to get in.
=====
What's the worst thing about having sex with a hooker?
Turning up for training on Tuesday.
=====
I miss the old days when pop songs were about weasels.
=====
Sepp Blatter is so Anti-English, he may as well be Scottish.
Actually, I wish he was.
At least then he would have no reason to turn up to football tournaments.
=====
Two dogs are walking down the road.
One dog says "do you use protection when you have sex?"
The other says "durex".
"I asked you first" says the first dog.
=====
"What's a transexual?" I asked my wife.
"Shut up and keep sucking!"
=====
I watched the deleted scenes on a porno last night and the guy did fix the washing machine after all.
=====
I was outside my house having a cigarette when I noticed how depressing my recylcing box is; an empty box of tissues, an individual pizza and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Just as I was looking, my new neighbour came to introduce himself.
We stood chatting for a bit when he said,
"Let me guess, you're a bit of a lonely bastard?"
"You noticed the recycling then?" I replied, looking sheepish.
"It's not that mate. You just won't stop holding my hand."
=====
I had a bit of bad luck after I saw a black cat earlier.
It was a panther and it bit my fucking arm off.
=====
After searching for what seemed most of my life, I finally found my long lost brother.
Now it's my turn to hide.
=====
I looked out of my window this morning & saw the neighbours dog doing a shit on my lawn, i thought
"I'm going to post that through his fucking letterbox"
It was tricky fitting a Labrador through a gap that small, but a hacksaw & a food blender helped.
=====
I woke up this morning and I couldn't believe my eyes.
I looked around and everything was gone.
My TV, my wardrobes, my bedside cabinet, gone.
I shouted for my wife and after a few seconds she came into the room.
"What the fuck happened here?" I asked.
She said, "You were drunk last night."
"Where's the tv, wardrobes & bedside cabinet?"
"In the bedroom" she replied, "You're in the fucking shed."
=====
I don't know why people are so surprised by David Cameron's comments about Jimmy Carr, the Conservative party have been clamping down on people who don't pay tax for years.
It's just that they started with the elderly, the disabled and the unemployed.
=====
If only I had been born a lego brick.
I could have made something of my life.
=====
My dyslexic mate wears Reebok shoes.
He's Lacoste intollerant.
The short-sighted English teacher calls out,
"You there at the back! Recite the poem I asked you all to learn!"
"I can't do that."
"May I ask what you were doing last night?" says the teacher.
"I drank a few pints with my mates, played some poker, did a few lines of coke and shagged my bird."
"That's unbelievable! I'm starting to wonder why you even bother coming to school."
"I'm here to repair the heating."
======
"I'm going to have to perform an emergency colostomy operation immediately." the doctor told me.
"What's going to happen?" I asked.
"It isn't pleasant. I'll have to remove part of your colon, divert the rest of it to a hole in your side from which you will excrete into a bag for the rest of your life."
"Is there an alternative?" I pleaded.
"Yes, you can stop fucking my wife."
=====
When I was a kid some older boys threw my trainers over a telephone wire.
I wouldn't have been too bothered, but I still had them on.
=====
"Say hello to my little friend"
Great Movie Quote.
Terrible bedroom talk.
=====
England 1 : Ukraine 0
Basically, Rooney scored a goal that could have been put away by Steven Hawking during a power surge.
=====
Tulisa on the split from her boyfriend: "Things were coming to a head for a while."
It just kind of writes itself, this one, doesn't it?
=====
A woman has just come up to me holding an unlit fag. She said, "Have you got a light cock?"
"Well it does float in the bath!"
=====
To overcome my gambling addiction my therapist advised me to Google it.
It's hard to look past the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button though.
=====
The teacher turns to Pierre, the French kid and says, " Would you like to build something?"
Pierre replies, " Oui, Oui."
So she hands him the Lego but upon returning a few minutes later she finds Pierre's gone on strike.
She turns to Juan, the Spanish kids and asks, " Would you like to build something?"
Juan replies, " Si, Si." So she hands him the Lego but upon returning a few minutes later she finds Juan is fast asleep.
So she turns to Little Jonny and says, " Would you like to build something" Little Jonny says, " Yes, yes."
She returns a few minutes later to find Little Jonny's been replaced by Barteck, the Polish kid.
=====
Osama Bin Laden lived , confined to a cramped small house with 11 wives for four long years...
The US State department admitted today that HE called in Seal Team 6.
=====
I was doing my wife doggy style and called out the wrong name.
''What the fuck did you say?!'' she screamed.
''Aw, baby,'' I squirmed, ''I was thinking of you the whole time.''
''Yeah, whatever, dickhead!'' she replied. ''And who the fuck is Dave anyway?''
=====
The other day, I ordered a puffer fish online.
The fuckers sent me a guppy with asthma.
=====
Some bloke in the pub said to me that I must be into incest just because I'm from Norfolk.
He was huge so I rang my brother, my uncle, my dad and my granddad to come and help me beat him up.
Together, the two of us thrashed the bastard.
=====
Bad news for Portugal fans.
Ronaldo has picked up an injury while masturbating furiously over his own reflection.
=====
If I ever go missing, I hope they put my photo on bottles of OCD medication.
Because them fuckers won't stop looking.
=====
My 3 year old son nearly drowned in the paddling pool yesterday and my wife blamed me for putting too much water in it.
Is she fucking thick?
It's British summer time, the thing fills its self.
=====
I have a severe allergy to dog shit.
I get really sick every time I eat it.
=====
Before I travel anywhere, I always do a comprehensive vehicle safety check that takes me about fifteen minutes.
Bus drivers hate me.
=====
I still fondly remember the day I got my name on the honours board at Lord's.
Right before I was arrested for vandalism.
=====
"Would you like more money? It's completely legal."
Jimmy Carr said yes, David Cameron says no.
In conclusion, David Cameron is a liar.