I see what Pistorius is doing.
He is going to jail for 25 year and when he gets released...Bang! President of South Africa.
That's how it works over there, right?
=====
What's the difference between a woman and a goat?
Quite a lot according to the law.
=====
My young son asked me what a cunt is.
I told him, "It's a very naughty word that means vagina."
"Daddy, what's a vagina?" he asked,
I said, "Son, it's something very special."
He replied, "Mummy thinks you're something very special."
=====
Kevin Webster has 10 sweets.
If he gives 2 sweets to a 10 year old and 3 sweets to an 11 year old, what is he left with?
An erection.
Twat.
=====
The first rule of Gun Club is: You don't tell Oscar about Gun Club.
=====
I've just discovered that my Lion Bar is 20% Tiger.
=====
I bought some new bedroom furniture from IKEA today.
The instructions are just a picture of some guy shouting at his wife.
=====
I have a serious fear of sky-diving.
I don't even click the zoom button when I use google earth.
=====
A kind, old lollipop lady cleaned the snow off my windscreen for me this morning.
Though I think the impact did knock some off too.
=====
Etertainment Today:'Beyonce reveals key to relationship.'
I'm guessing that key is in the shape of a big cock.
=====
A prison spokesman confirmed that Oscar Pistorius has been offered a full-time position in the prison kitchen, adding that it's not everyday we get an inmate with legs shaped like an industrial custard mixer.
=====
I'm going on a blind date tonight with a girl I met online.
She described herself to me as, 'warm and bubbly.'
I'm wondering if she might be overweight or is in fact a jacuzzi.
=====
BBC News: Vatican considers papal conclave earlier than planned. Rules from 1400's considered outdated.
Sorry, but changing the laws written centuries ago to fit in with modern times?
Hardly very catholic, is it?
=====
Just been walking through the frozen food aisle at Tesco.
Or as it is now known, a public bridleway.
=====
I'm due in court again on monday for yet more motoring offences.
Since there's a good chance I'm going to get sent to prison this time, I've been eating nothing but dry-roasted peanuts and ground up eggshell for the last two months.
Should only get raped the once.
=====
My wife caught me with lesbian porn playing on my computer earlier.
" That's fucking disgusting! " She shouted.
So I reluctantly stopped wanking the dog.
=====
First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius.
I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It!"
=====
What's blue and full of Haribo?
Kevin Webster's overalls.
=====
I got woken up at four in the morning to my house being burgled.
I mistook the intruder for my gorgeous blonde girlfriend,
so I accidently fucked him up the arse.
=====
Iain Duncan Smith: 'Shelf stacking as important as degrees.'
Perhaps NASA will now overlook extensive knowledge of quantum and particle physics, in favour of my c.v which boasts 15 years arranging baked beans on aisle 8.
Twat.
=====
There are three things about my wife that make me think I've married a freak.
His breasts.
=====
I walked into Dreams today and lay on one of the beds.
An assistant came over and asked if he could help.
"I'd like 2 drop dead gorgeous sets of lesbian twins to fuck my brains out please" I replied.
Turns out its actually a bed shop.
=====
My wife's new puppy had an "accident" in the lounge.
That's what happens when you shit on my carpet.
=====
I like to sleep naked, but it does cause some problems.
Mainly because I'm narcoleptic.
=====
Everyone is beautiful in their own way.
My way just happens to be in the dark.
=====
I find it hard to understand the fighting and bombings in Pakistan between Sunni and Shi'a.
I thought they were all about love and unity after hearing their hit single "I got you babe"
=====
At the end of Bargain Hunt, the presenter says, "Think you can do better? Well come on, what's stopping you?"
Two things really: dignity and self respect.
=====
"Feel free to get in touch via facebook, text or twitter." said the sexy newsreader at the end of her bulletin.
She didn't seem so friendly when she answered her door though.
=====
I decided to test out the theory that if you throw a cat off a building they will always land on their feet.
It's true, in the time it took me to get downstairs, the cat had already got himself a steady job, a decent house and his own family.
=====
For Lent, I'm giving up self control, abstinence, & sobriety.
=====
Arsene Wenger says he is still confident of getting into the Top 4 this season.
Arsenal must be releasing a charity single then.
=====
Schrodinger asked me to look after his cat.
I'm a bit worried as it wasn't dead the last time I didn't look.
=====
Apparently music star Mindy McCready shot herself and her dog, on her front porch, just a month after her boyfriend died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
I can't tell if it's a news story or just another shitty country and western song.
=====
If I had a vagina it would be so wet right now, but I don't.
However, I have an anus. And that's wet for some reason.
=====
An electrician meditating.
Ohm.
=====
As I began to panic, I became increasingly warmer and very thirsty.
With no access to water, I knew that I had no choice but to do what Bear Grylls would do in this situation and drink my own urine.
It tasted better than I thought it would and to be honest, it really did refresh me.
Although I did get some funny looks from the others who had been stuck in the lift with me for the last 20 minutes.
=====
Pringles.
Or as I like to call them, Fisting Simulator.
I remember being voted as having 'the hottest ass' in my year.
I don't know what's more upsetting: How fat it has become or that I was home schooled.
=====
"It goes in one ear and out of the other, doesn't it?"
"No luv, and if you don't mind I think I'll get them pierced elsewhere."
=====
BBC News: South African police have said that Reeva Steenkamp's i-pad is "an intrinsic part" of the investigation.
Yeah, I bet it is.
Dirty bastards.
=====
Sometimes I love Foxes Glacier Mints, sometimes I hate them.
I think I'm bi-polar.
=====
I hate geeks so much that I've set up a blog about it and linked it to all my social media connections.
=====
I love going to subway.
Not because I like it there.
I get to tell a woman to make me a sandwich without her going berserk.
=====
There's a page on Wikipedia titled 'list of British terms not used in the USA'.
Surprisingly 'No more for me thanks,I'm full' isn't one of them.
=====
At a job interview.
"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
"I don't give a fuck what you think."
=====
What do you call a man with no legs?.
Fuck all, he might shoot you.
4 times.
Through a door (apparently).
While not wearing his legs (apparently).
And pumped full of steroids (allegedly).
=====
Never insult an Italian baker.
He'll beat the focaccia.
=====
What movie do you get if you cross Oscar Pistorius and Mike Tyson?
Shinless Lisp.
=====
As well as losing his legs it seems Oscar Pistorius
also lost the ability to shout.
"Hey Reeva is that you in the bathroom having a shit?"
=====
Kim Kardashian says, "If I was a man, I would want to know what it's like to have sex with myself."
That's easy Kim. Shag a sack full of shit then book an appointment at a V.D. clinic.
=====
There are some cruel bastards about. I looked out of the window last night to see 4 Arsenal players playing football with a cat.
I was about to call the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up.
=====
BBCNews: Newborn baby found dead in washing machine
Must have been set at 40 because if you wash them at 30 there's an 80% chance they'll live.
=====
When my girlfriend stays overnight, and she wakes up in the middle of the night, and goes for a piss, and I'm still asleep, and there's no-one else in the house.
She doesn't feel the need to lock the bathroom door.
Funny that, isn't it Oscar?
=====
Went to a party at Broadmoor Hospital last night.
It was mental.
=====
What's the difference between Rafa Benitez and a clitoris?
A clitoris is only a bit of a cunt.
=====
My town recently voted for new members to sit on the council
I wanted to be elected chair.
But in the end they just used me as a coffee table'
=====
As a boxer, I've been told I need to be aggressive, even relentless, and remorseless.
So I've modeled my training to be more like Adobe updates.
=====
Sky News: Cliff Richard suffers wardrobe malfunction.
Too fucking right,He's been stuck in it for years now.
=====
Opinions are a lot like genitals.
The drunker you get, the more important they seem and the more likely you are to air them in the pub.
=====
Police are reported to have found used steroids at Oscar Pistorious' house.
All he needs to have done now is to have molested around 200 children, and he'll have won 'fallen icon Bingo'.
=====
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get.
Unless you read the little booklet that tells you.
=====
Shuttlecock, because Rocket penis was already taken.
=====
I sat down to watch a porno last night but it was just a picture of this fat bloke rubbing his body and playing with himself.
Then I realized that the telly wasn't on.
=====
Arsenal last won a trophy back in 2005 and the 'crazy frog ' was No1
8 years on and he's still there.
=====
I hope I'll be able to turn off all of these social features on the PS4.
If I wanted to be social I wouldn't be playing videogames.
=====
In an interview, Kim Kardashian has stated that if she were a man, she would want to have sex with Kim Kardashian.
Well she may not be a man, but she can go fuck herself anyway.
=====
I've just watched 10 minutes of Geordie Shore.
Now I realise why we have warning labels that say "do not drink" on bottles of bleach.
=====
I don't want to think I'm not lucky with the ladies or anything,
But I'm pretty damn sure the only bird that hasn't told me "You're just like a brother to me,' is my fucking sister.
=====
I was going to watch the Brits.
But then I remembered I genuinely love music.
=====
BBC NEws: Fearne Cotton has given birth to a baby boy, 'Rex Rayne'.
Who the fuck suggested that name, Scooby Doo?
=====
Culture show on BBC.
Derek on Channel 4.
Brits on ITV.
Alex Zane on Sky one.
John Logie Baird has a lot to fucking answer for.
=====
Whenever I get bored, I like to see what's the quickest time I can ejaculate in.
That's why my wife doesn't take me to the theatre anymore.
=====
This country should be divided into two types of people.
People who watch things on ITV and people who are allowed to vote.
=====
Whilst opening a new hospital wing, Prince Philip described himself as "The worlds most experienced curtain puller"
Like myself, he too must live between two teenage neighbours who sunbathe with fuck-all on.
=====
I'm not sure what the biggest shock of the week was.
AC Milan beating Barcelona
Or
Finding out Emeli Sande has a husband and not a wife
=====
I watched two dwarfs having sex for 2 hours in the park by the pond earlier.
Before it dawned on me that someone had knocked the gnomes over.
=====
I took a girl back to my place last night and we started having a little bit of foreplay on the sofa.
It started off with just one finger going inside, but then one finger became two fingers, then two became three, three became four and before I knew it, she had her whole hand up my arse.
=====
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.
=====
Sony drone on for 2 hours about how great the Playstation 4 will be, then don't show you it.
Bit like me when describing my huge cock.
=====
I got into a taxi the other night and said to the taxi driver, "King Arthur's Close".
He said, "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights."