A Cosmopolitan magazine poll revealed that 29% of women have never masturbated.
Meanwhile, 29% of men masturbated just reading about the poll.
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Police searching Cliff Richard's house said they were shocked at the discovery of a hidden room where numerous depraved, reviled and loathsome acts were perpetrated.
They have assured the public that specialists have been brought in to permanently seal off this recording studio.
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BBC News: U.S commandos tried to rescue James Foley in Iraq.
Unfortunately, he was beheaded before they could shoot him.
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Why are Southampton nicknamed The Saints ?
Because all their players have gone to a better place .
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Julian Assange has had two years to come up with a good disguise, and all he's done is grow a beard.
He needs to take some lessons from Frank Maloney.
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My comedian mate wrote a joke about a fat badger, but couldn't fit it into his set.
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BBC News: President Obama says he wants to visit Ferguson, Missouri soon, but has been advised by police that it may not be safe.
Even if he is unarmed and puts both hands in the air.
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The CIA have nominated ISIS, Al Queda and Boko Haram for the ASL Ice Bucket Challenge.
Or waterboarding as it was once known.
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Who's the greediest man in Iran?
Ayotollah pies.
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If Moses were alive today he'd have made one hell of a lifeguard.
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I just had a really interesting conversation with myself.
After about three hours we both realised that we're not fucking crazy after all.
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"I've got some good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"
"You've clearly never worked as a news presenter before, have you?"
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BBC News: the National Health service is the worlds 5th largest employer with over 1.7 million employees.
And I still cant get a fucking appointment to see a doctor.
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I went to see a Jihadist comedian last night.
Laughed my head off.
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I'm in a band called Placebo.
We're quite successful, because we just tell people how good we are and they believe us.
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I tried eating some of my dogs hair today.
Nothing happened.
I've still got a fucking hangover.
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David Cameron has said we won't see boots on the ground in Iraq, which roughly translates as Obama said not this year maybe next.
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Japanese biologists have discovered a new species of snail. Apparently they migrate by letting themselves be eaten by birds, and then they're later shat out somewhere else.
To my mind that still sounds more attractive than flying with Ryanair.
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Now that we know Robin Williams had Parkinson's, maybe it wasn't suicide.
He could have just been trying to put on his belt.
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I've been driving for nine years now.
Fucking M25.
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Fishing, perfect for when you want to relax but still want to murder something.
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How many Darth Vaders does it take to change a light bulb?
None.
He's from The Dark Side.
I don't know why but people keep saying that I "make all the wrong decisions" and I "don't know a thing about technology".
I have no idea why.
- Sent from my Windows Phone
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I'm confused.
A Briton kills an American in Iraq and it's an act of terror.
An American kills a Briton in Iraq and it's friendly fire.
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So, now Evian have come out with meat flavoured bottled water.
Didn't that used to be called puke?
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BBC News: Sotheby's have sold a clump of Elvis Presley's hair for £28,000.
Somewhere there's a bloke with shaved bollocks and a new Lexus, laughing his arse off.
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Cilla Black: "Cliff Richard never tried anything on with me"
Course he didn't!
A) You're a woman.
B) You're 70 years too old for him.
3) You look like a ginger horse sucking a lemon.
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If prayers worked, who would have a dick less than 8 inches long?
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Apparently, cats can only remember for ten minutes.
Which means that, ten minutes after you die, your cat will forget who it's eating.
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I haven't had sex for ages as I never seem able to find the right woman.
In fact I've been saving myself for so long now I've started earning interest.
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A study in Cosmopolitan magazine has found that obese men make better lovers, lasting an average of 48 minutes.
However, 46 of those minutes are spent looking for their cocks.
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Lesson learned from last night?
There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
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I was chatting to my grandad today about the price of shopping.
He said, "I got four Mars bars today, that turned out to be quite costly."
"At what price?" I asked.
"Diabetes." He replied.
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Why did the children cross the road?
To get away from the BBC
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I went to see my doctor. "I'm a bedwetter, Doc," I told him, sheepishly.
"Nothing to be ashamed of," he reassured me. "A lot of people can't control their bladder when they're asleep."
"Asleep?"
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If you're going to diagnose yourself with OCD, then how many times do you have to do that to be sure?
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I hate light bulbs.
They look like the ghosts of dead pears.
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My son is adamant he wants to be a frogman when he grows up.
So here's hoping he gets bitten by some sort of radioactive amphibian.
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BBC News: IS hostages nicknamed their 3 guards 'The Beatles' because they have English accents.
Which made me wonder.......Were the captives called 'Talking Heads'?
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So, in the event of a nuclear war the only things that will survive are the cockroaches.
At least everywhere will still have a functioning government.
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"Dad, it doesn't look like I'm getting into Farm College."
"Why not?"
"I needed a B and three A's but I got an M and three 0's."