"One eyed monster kills two policewomen".
Not quite the legacy Lord Coe had in mind for Wenlock.
=====
Why is it called Mooning when you're actually showing Uranus?
=====
My wife spotted me sneakily watching the tv while we were having sex last night and went mad.
"You bastard!" she yelled. "Why can't you show me the same interest you show that fucking telly?"
So I turned her over.
=====
I was walking behind a woman in a short skirt today when she stopped, turned around and said to me, "You've been
following me for 15 minutes, why don't you just fuck off!"
I looked at her blankly and she said, "Go on, what are you waiting for?"
"A gust of wind,"
=====
On the final day of our holiday in Spain the wife reluctantly agreed to take it up the arse.
What a relief, the Suitcase was full and I still had three pouches of Tobacco left.
=====
The first rule of Liverpool football club is.
Have the ability to live off past glory.
=====
Impatience tells me, "Put the beer bottles in the freezer for a little bit."
But history tells me, "You're gonna fuck this up again."
=====
Sky News: "Scientists reveal there are fewer than one hundred adult cod in the whole North Sea."
Clearly the Cod population has taken a battering.
=====
So Kourtney Kardashian gave birth in front of TV cameras.
Was that just in case there was somebody left on this planet that hadn't seen her twat?.
=====
When you go on a first date, make sure you understand each others meanings of 'Eating out'.
=====
Like Julian Assange I have been accused of rape for having sex with women while they were asleep.
In my defence though, they were awake when I began.
=====
My wife walked in today and said, "I want a boob job."
"Great!
It's been ages since you gave me a tit wank!"
=====
I asked my posh mate whether he'd ever had any problems with bailiffs.
He said he hadn't, but it's not very often he needs them when cooking.
=====
It's a good thing Jay Z didn't have a red balloon in his problems, because that would be a whole other song.
=====
Slow and steady wins the race.
Unless you're Internet Explorer.
=====
Slipping your cock into an apple pie is absolutley nothing like having sex.
In fact, it's fucking dangerous and gets you fired from McDonalds.
=====
I can't believe they've made a Taken 2.
Liam Neeson must be an even worse father than Gerry McCann.
=====
First rule of X-Factor club
Never talk about how GOOD your life is.
=====
When I was young I got a Tamigotchi as a "practice pet" before the real thing, to teach me how to care for a living creature.
Having proved a wonderful carer, I eventually did get a hamster, but one day it got ill and died.
When I shoved a pencil up its arse to reset it.
=====
Appartently Tom Jones often altered his songs specifically for certain countries.
"He's a lady" was a huge hit in Thailand.
=====
I was playing with my wife's clitoris last night when it came off in my fingers.
I think it's time to bury her.
=====
After hot passionate sex last night with my girlfriend, she snuggled up next to me and said "You know, You are by
far the biggest I've ever had"
Apparently, "Ditto" is not the right response.
=====
Got in trouble at the zoo where I work for lining all the squirrels up in order of height.
They don't like me critter sizing.
=====
After watching all 3 Matrix movies, I walked away feeling that they were completely unbelievable.
As much time as they spent on computers, not once did Adobe ask to be updated.
=====
My girlfriend was furious when she found out I'd put that she was pregnant on Facebook.
With hindsight, maybe "75 likes and we'll keep it" was a bit harsh.
=====
I locked the bathroom door this morning and sat down on the toilet for a quick wank.
After a few minutes my mum said, "What are you doing?"
"I'm just having a poo!" I shouted, "I'll be out in a minute and then you can jump in the bath."
"I'm already in the bath."
=====
What do Piers Morgan and a melted Mars bar have in common?
They both resemble a slimy piece of shit.
=====
Step 1: Bought hamster.
Step 2: Named it virginity.
Step 3: Lost hamster..... Close enough.
If you are having problems making the wife happy, and no matter what you do it doesn't seem to work, just think back to Adam and Eve.
They lived in the fucking garden of eden and even that wasn't good enough for her.
=====
A woman said to me earlier "You're the most sarcastic bastard I know."
"Thanks," I replied "That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."
=====
My girlfriend recently left me, and she accused me of taking steroids.
I stongly denied her accusation and tossed her car in a lake.
=====
The first rule of night club.
No fucking trainers.
=====
Monday is a lot like me.
It comes too quickly.
=====
I've just completed the game with Yoshimitsu, unlocking all the characters, and I can safely say my mate is full of shit.
Liam Neeson isn't in Tekken 2.
=====
I won the Irish lottery last weekend.
They sent me an I.O.U.
=====
July 2012 - Daily Star football writer Danny FullBrook dies.
September 2012 - Daily Star football writer Brian Woolnough dies.
May I suggest for all his excellent football knowledge, that Piers Morgan is put forward for the vacancy?
=====
What's hot and brown and smells of caramel?
A burning diabetic.
=====
Christmas.
Where a figment of your imagination takes credit for you spending your hard earned money.
=====
Chery Lloyd's 'Sticks&Stones' could possibly be the best album I've thrown out of my car window after ten seconds.
=====
The first rule of bandwagon jokes club is originality.
=====
If you had to choose between your wife and winning the lottery.
What kind of car would you buy 1st?
=====
BBC NEws: Police hold one eyed monster after policewomen killed in Manchester.
Surely they should be out looking for the killer rather than playing with their cocks.
=====
Doc Brown was a pretty shit Doctor.
He travels into the future 3 fucking times, and not once could he tell Marty McFly he was going to get Parkinson's.
=====
First rule of X-Factor club
Never talk about how GOOD your life is.
=====
I phoned my mum last night to tell her that when she comes to visit me in Australia for Christmas she'll be hearing
the pitter patter of tiny feet round my house.
"That's fantastic news!" She squealed, "I'm going to get all the neighbours round and open some champagne to celebrate."
Honestly, I think she's more excited about my new gerbil than I am.
=====
My wife always complains when I administer her medication.
"I'm sorry love,"I told her."But the doctor said pushing the suppositories in with two fingers was the best way to do it."
"I know that's what the doctor said,"she replied.
"But I don't think he told you to have a wank while you do it."
=====
I came home to find my Thai wife shagging the postman.
He was bent over the kitchen table with the tears streaming down his cheeks.
=====
"Let's have sex in the shower!"
Yelled the people who have never had sex in the shower and still think water is a good lubricant.
=====
The male version of fifty shades of grey comes out today.
FIFA 13.
=====
Wouldn't it be ironic if the Prophet Muhammad actually had a sense of humour?
=====
I got so pissed that I passed out at a lesbian party last night and woke up with a vagina drawn on my forehead.
=====
The eldest of my six kids came up to me earlier with a pretty realistic drawing of my wife's fanny.
Ironically, the other five then came along and tore it to fucking pieces.
=====
There was a Los Angeles policewoman who worked part time as a stripper.
On the front of her top it said "LAPD" and on the back it said "ANCE".
=====
"You are so rude!" moaned my wife. "The whole time I was talking you were yawning!"
"I was not yawning. I was trying to say something."
=====
Imagine how often people with an "increasingly louder footsteps" fetish get caught masturbating.
=====
Whenever I go out with my sister for a drink in the West Country, people think she's my girlfriend, which is stupid
because we split up ten years ago.
=====
"Dad," my little son asked me, "what's a clitoris?"
"Ask your mum." I told him.
"Does she know?"
"Yeah. And then get straight back here and explain it to me."
=====
My next door neighbour asked if I could take his dog out when he was away.
So far we've been clubbing and ice skating.
=====
Apparently the 'Beauty sleep' theory is not a myth according to scientists.
So Susan Boyle's got insomnia.
=====
My girlfriend and I are so compatible.
She's a Gemini, and I'm the Zodiac Killer.
=====
What's hairy and does the same amount of work as 3 Polish men?
Greece.
=====
So Justin Bieber has just been voted top musician under 21.
He also won top musician under 18, 15, 12 and top female musician.
=====
"I think we should start touching other people."
A blind couple breaking up.