I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
=====
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'
=====
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of a couple of matches, his little face lit up when he tried to walk.
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
=====
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did..............she's 21 and her name's Lucy
=====
Dogs cannot operate an MRI machine but cats can.
=====
The black-eyed peas were formally known as 'peas' until Chuck Norris met them.
=====
Bailiffs at Dale Farm are trying to lighten the mood during the stressful eviction process, by wearing black wigs and short dresses, and calling out..........This is Davina, I'm coming to get you!
=====
I blew a raspberry today.
I think my fruit fetish has got seriously out of hand.
=====
I saw Katie Price stood on the train track tying her shoelaces and shouted, "Look out behind you! There's a train coming!"
But I was too late. The train, carrying 106 passengers, vanished up her minge and was never seen again.
=====
I came in late last night from 'work', trying to be as quiet as possible, so I didn't wake my girlfriend. However, when I reached the hallway, she was standing there with her hands on her hips looking angry.
'Where have you been?' She said.
I had guilt written all over my face.
'And who the fuck has written guilt on your face!'
=====
Two schoolkids are chatting during break:
"So how're you getting along with your new stepfather?"
"OK, I suppose. Every evening he takes me down to the river and throws me off a bridge. Then I have to swim back to the riverbank on my own."
"That sounds really tough."
"Oh, it's not too bad. The tough bit is getting out of the sack."
=====
My mate from Norfolk was bragging,
"My cock is nearly a foot!"
"No way!" I exclaimed.
So he whipped it out and true enough he was right. Two more toes and it'll be a foot.
=====
What's black and full of naked kids.
Kevin Webster's lap-top.
=====
Apple are to release a new logo which "accurately describes their relationship with their customers".
It's called the iCon.
=====
I was at the Emirites last Sunday for the Arsenal vs Sunderland game, then suddenly there was a loud bang, the loudest thing I ever heard in that ground.
Someone had dropped a pin.
=====
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I've got Alzheimer's.
Cheese on toast.
=====
I'm not superstitious because I know that's unlucky.
=====
I got ink all over my hands today in school.
To be honest it was probably my fault for fingering that octopus in Biology class,
=====
Mathematics higher tier paper 1.
Question 1: if a builder works 40 hours a week at £11.50 an hour what's the probability he will be replaced by a polish man?
=====
My wife's the double of the blonde one in Abba.
I can never remember his fucking name though.
=====
What would happen if a question on Mastermind was: 'What is the term used for when a footballer kicks the ball to a teammate?'
=====
During Sunday dinner, Little Johnny wants to say something to his Dad, but his Dad raises a warning finger:
"Be quiet. I am talking to the grown-ups. Speak when you are spoken to."
When the conversation is over, Little Johnny is allowed to speak:
"Doesn't matter now, Dad," he says. "You've already eaten the slug that was on your salad."
=====
What's a gay Bedouin's favourite song?
Enter Sandman.
=====
I pulled a sickie in work today.
Now I've lost my job on the chemotherapy ward and I'm being done for sexual harassment.
=====
I think my doctor is gay, he tried to slide his finger up my arse and called it "A prostate exam"
I wouldn't have minded but we were in the pub.
=====
Last time I was in Rome, I went to see the Spanish Steps.
Worst tribute band ever.
=====
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'
=====
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of a couple of matches, his little face lit up when he tried to walk.
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
=====
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did..............she's 21 and her name's Lucy
=====
Dogs cannot operate an MRI machine but cats can.
=====
The black-eyed peas were formally known as 'peas' until Chuck Norris met them.
=====
Bailiffs at Dale Farm are trying to lighten the mood during the stressful eviction process, by wearing black wigs and short dresses, and calling out..........This is Davina, I'm coming to get you!
=====
I blew a raspberry today.
I think my fruit fetish has got seriously out of hand.
=====
I saw Katie Price stood on the train track tying her shoelaces and shouted, "Look out behind you! There's a train coming!"
But I was too late. The train, carrying 106 passengers, vanished up her minge and was never seen again.
=====
I came in late last night from 'work', trying to be as quiet as possible, so I didn't wake my girlfriend. However, when I reached the hallway, she was standing there with her hands on her hips looking angry.
'Where have you been?' She said.
I had guilt written all over my face.
'And who the fuck has written guilt on your face!'
=====
Two schoolkids are chatting during break:
"So how're you getting along with your new stepfather?"
"OK, I suppose. Every evening he takes me down to the river and throws me off a bridge. Then I have to swim back to the riverbank on my own."
"That sounds really tough."
"Oh, it's not too bad. The tough bit is getting out of the sack."
=====
My mate from Norfolk was bragging,
"My cock is nearly a foot!"
"No way!" I exclaimed.
So he whipped it out and true enough he was right. Two more toes and it'll be a foot.
=====
What's black and full of naked kids.
Kevin Webster's lap-top.
=====
Apple are to release a new logo which "accurately describes their relationship with their customers".
It's called the iCon.
=====
I was at the Emirites last Sunday for the Arsenal vs Sunderland game, then suddenly there was a loud bang, the loudest thing I ever heard in that ground.
Someone had dropped a pin.
=====
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I've got Alzheimer's.
Cheese on toast.
=====
I'm not superstitious because I know that's unlucky.
=====
I got ink all over my hands today in school.
To be honest it was probably my fault for fingering that octopus in Biology class,
=====
Mathematics higher tier paper 1.
Question 1: if a builder works 40 hours a week at £11.50 an hour what's the probability he will be replaced by a polish man?
=====
My wife's the double of the blonde one in Abba.
I can never remember his fucking name though.
=====
What would happen if a question on Mastermind was: 'What is the term used for when a footballer kicks the ball to a teammate?'
=====
During Sunday dinner, Little Johnny wants to say something to his Dad, but his Dad raises a warning finger:
"Be quiet. I am talking to the grown-ups. Speak when you are spoken to."
When the conversation is over, Little Johnny is allowed to speak:
"Doesn't matter now, Dad," he says. "You've already eaten the slug that was on your salad."
=====
What's a gay Bedouin's favourite song?
Enter Sandman.
=====
I pulled a sickie in work today.
Now I've lost my job on the chemotherapy ward and I'm being done for sexual harassment.
=====
I think my doctor is gay, he tried to slide his finger up my arse and called it "A prostate exam"
I wouldn't have minded but we were in the pub.
=====
Last time I was in Rome, I went to see the Spanish Steps.
Worst tribute band ever.
While celebrating my discovery of a cure for premature ejaculation, I ended up splashing out on a prostitute.
Ah well. Back to square one, I guess.
=====
My cock is like a kebab.
My wife has to be pissed before she puts one in her mouth.
=====
SKY News: World's oldest marathon runner completes Toronto race at age 100
Not surprising really, seeing as a guy dressed as Death was 20 yards behind him.
=====
Work had a charity event called "Jeans for Genes" day.
I still thought my idea was better, Chinos for Albinos day.
=====
" There is nothing worse than fading into anonymous obscurity." - Unknown.
=====
If you're not supposed to misuse cough syrup, then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
=====
I woke up this morning and shoved the curtains aside, I thought to myself....
It's time to get her that designer vagina.
=====
I had 4p left in my wallet. I thought, 'What could I possibly buy with this measly sum.'
Then it occurred to me.
Zimbabwe.
=====
I hear voices in my head.
But I ignore them and carry on killing.
=====
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
=====
There must be a lot of disappointed sharks when Heather Mills goes swimming.
=====
BBC News: "Somali pirates capture Frenchwoman in a wheelchair"
I thought they used boats.
=====
I travel the land,
Asking rides from kind strangers:
I'm a hitchhaiku.
=====
"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 single women who sit at home and have conversations with their cats are mentally disturbed."
My dog's full of useful information like that.
=====
I saved my mistress' phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'.
Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the missus takes the phone and puts it on charge.
=====
Roses are red
Violets are blue
No, they're violet
You dumb fuck.
=====
SKY News: French rugby practice was delayed nearly 2 hours today after a player reported an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Practice was immediately suspended while police were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the TRY LINE. Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
=====
CTRL + C, CTRL + V:
Stephen Hawking reproducing.
=====
I could barely hold back the tears as I was telling my daughter that mummy would be living with the angels from now on.
Fuck know's what Chapter she's joined though.
=====
I got arrested this morning at my veterinary surgery for wearing a black lab coat.
=====
That's the last time I send my dyslexic mate for food. I wanted a Big Mac, he came back with "Biro Monthly".
=====
I watched Star Trek the other day.
Somehow, I managed to un-lose my virginity.
=====
I got a new deodorant stick today ,the instructions said remove cap & push up bottom.
I can barely walk but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
=====
There's no "I" in team but there are 5 in individual brilliance.
=====
Bob asked his blonde girlfriend Chelsea: "How many raw eggs can you eat on an empty stomach?"
"Dunno," says Chelsea, "Three maybe?"
"Ha ha! Only one," says Bob, "after that your stomach is no longer empty."
The next day, Chelsea meets her friend Porche and asks her. "How many raw eggs can you eat on an empty stomach?"
"Um, five?" says Porche.
"Bollocks, if you'd said three I could have told you a good joke."
=====
I hate my job at the Samaritans..
I tried to phone in sick the other day and the bastards talked me out of it.
=====
My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed." I don't need you now! I don't need you now!"
Guess who had to put the batteries in.
=====
SKY News: A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank.
Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.
=====
I was playing rock, paper, scissors with my chav neighbour earlier.
To be honest, the paper was shit, but the rock and scissors caused some brilliant injuries.
=====
With the current rate of Polish immigrants coming into the country, it's only a matter of time until Old McLukasz had a farm.
=====
I handed over my sperm sample and said: "There you go, doctor. Can you tell me - is there anything wrong with me?"
He put the beaker of spunk down on the table and scribbled down some notes. "Yes, there's definately something wrong with you... For starters, I'm a psychiatrist."
=====
I get a lot of stick for being the only pro bono lawyer in my firm.
Everyone else thinks he's a arsehole.
=====
My girlfriend is very overweight and is doing exercises to try and slim down. After jogging, she thought she was having a heart attack saying she had a horrible pain under her left breast. Turned out, she had a sprained knee.
=====
Now listen carefully 007, This may look like a normal Blackberry.
But it's one that actually works.
=====
Deleted scene from Alien:
"I can't open the milk!"
"In space, no-one can. Here, use cream."
=====
During an argument with my Grandad, he screamed, "You'd be speaking German if it wasn't for me!"
I said, "Hang on, you didn't fight in the war."
"I know that," he replied, "But I told you to choose French for your languages GCSE, remember?"
=====
I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents, we had a lovely evening and after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said "Son, I think this one's a keeper."
"Awww dad, what makes you say that?"
"She smells of elephant shit."
=====
Does anyone know if N.W.A. actually got to fuck Sting & the rest of the band?
Ah well. Back to square one, I guess.
=====
My cock is like a kebab.
My wife has to be pissed before she puts one in her mouth.
=====
SKY News: World's oldest marathon runner completes Toronto race at age 100
Not surprising really, seeing as a guy dressed as Death was 20 yards behind him.
=====
Work had a charity event called "Jeans for Genes" day.
I still thought my idea was better, Chinos for Albinos day.
=====
" There is nothing worse than fading into anonymous obscurity." - Unknown.
=====
If you're not supposed to misuse cough syrup, then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
=====
I woke up this morning and shoved the curtains aside, I thought to myself....
It's time to get her that designer vagina.
=====
I had 4p left in my wallet. I thought, 'What could I possibly buy with this measly sum.'
Then it occurred to me.
Zimbabwe.
=====
I hear voices in my head.
But I ignore them and carry on killing.
=====
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
=====
There must be a lot of disappointed sharks when Heather Mills goes swimming.
=====
BBC News: "Somali pirates capture Frenchwoman in a wheelchair"
I thought they used boats.
=====
I travel the land,
Asking rides from kind strangers:
I'm a hitchhaiku.
=====
"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 single women who sit at home and have conversations with their cats are mentally disturbed."
My dog's full of useful information like that.
=====
I saved my mistress' phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'.
Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the missus takes the phone and puts it on charge.
=====
Roses are red
Violets are blue
No, they're violet
You dumb fuck.
=====
SKY News: French rugby practice was delayed nearly 2 hours today after a player reported an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Practice was immediately suspended while police were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the TRY LINE. Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
=====
CTRL + C, CTRL + V:
Stephen Hawking reproducing.
=====
I could barely hold back the tears as I was telling my daughter that mummy would be living with the angels from now on.
Fuck know's what Chapter she's joined though.
=====
I got arrested this morning at my veterinary surgery for wearing a black lab coat.
=====
That's the last time I send my dyslexic mate for food. I wanted a Big Mac, he came back with "Biro Monthly".
=====
I watched Star Trek the other day.
Somehow, I managed to un-lose my virginity.
=====
I got a new deodorant stick today ,the instructions said remove cap & push up bottom.
I can barely walk but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
=====
There's no "I" in team but there are 5 in individual brilliance.
=====
Bob asked his blonde girlfriend Chelsea: "How many raw eggs can you eat on an empty stomach?"
"Dunno," says Chelsea, "Three maybe?"
"Ha ha! Only one," says Bob, "after that your stomach is no longer empty."
The next day, Chelsea meets her friend Porche and asks her. "How many raw eggs can you eat on an empty stomach?"
"Um, five?" says Porche.
"Bollocks, if you'd said three I could have told you a good joke."
=====
I hate my job at the Samaritans..
I tried to phone in sick the other day and the bastards talked me out of it.
=====
My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed." I don't need you now! I don't need you now!"
Guess who had to put the batteries in.
=====
SKY News: A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank.
Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.
=====
I was playing rock, paper, scissors with my chav neighbour earlier.
To be honest, the paper was shit, but the rock and scissors caused some brilliant injuries.
=====
With the current rate of Polish immigrants coming into the country, it's only a matter of time until Old McLukasz had a farm.
=====
I handed over my sperm sample and said: "There you go, doctor. Can you tell me - is there anything wrong with me?"
He put the beaker of spunk down on the table and scribbled down some notes. "Yes, there's definately something wrong with you... For starters, I'm a psychiatrist."
=====
I get a lot of stick for being the only pro bono lawyer in my firm.
Everyone else thinks he's a arsehole.
=====
My girlfriend is very overweight and is doing exercises to try and slim down. After jogging, she thought she was having a heart attack saying she had a horrible pain under her left breast. Turned out, she had a sprained knee.
=====
Now listen carefully 007, This may look like a normal Blackberry.
But it's one that actually works.
=====
Deleted scene from Alien:
"I can't open the milk!"
"In space, no-one can. Here, use cream."
=====
During an argument with my Grandad, he screamed, "You'd be speaking German if it wasn't for me!"
I said, "Hang on, you didn't fight in the war."
"I know that," he replied, "But I told you to choose French for your languages GCSE, remember?"
=====
I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents, we had a lovely evening and after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said "Son, I think this one's a keeper."
"Awww dad, what makes you say that?"
"She smells of elephant shit."
=====
Does anyone know if N.W.A. actually got to fuck Sting & the rest of the band?