Finance news: McDonald's stock price has increased by 20% today. They suggested that it was a result of an increase in the global demand for fast food.
I say it's purely due to a hungry Gemma Collins being released from the jungle.
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Where do Italian gangstas come from?
The Spaghetto
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Wankers in the woods are a bit like Irish buses.
You don't see one for ages and then they come in trees.
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So, Britain's first shit-powered bus service is starting in Bath.
Anyone else dying to find out if it's on the number 2 route?
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A big Glaswegian pushed in front of me at the bar, I said to him "knock, knock."
He replied in his thick accent, "AWhooo's there?"
I said "Water Maggittiny."
He said "Water Maggittiny who?"
I replied "Thanks for asking, I'll have a pint of lager..."
Needless to say, he stuck the nut on me.
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Gemma Collins says she left the jungle early because a "Past split affected her badly"
Yeah, a banana split.
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A bank robber walks up to one of his hostages and asks, "Did you see my face?"
The hostage replies, "Yes."
The robber takes aim and shoots the man in the head.
He turns to the next man. "And did you see my face?"
"No, but my wife caught a glimpse!"
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I've now only got 66 problems since I moved to Australia.
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BBC News: Two gay prisoners in separate jails are suing for the right to visit each other, alleging that denying them face-to-face contact is a violation of their human rights.
What nonsense. Even if they got full conjugal visits, they wouldn't spend much time face-to-face anyway.
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What do you call an overweight 1970's Scottish pop group?
The Obesity Rollers.
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So papers are asking 'will Gemma Collins give the £100k jungle cash to charity?'
If by 'charity' you mean 'chinese' and lining the pockets of Mr and Mrs Ming with a £100k takeaway order for 1, then yes the lardy fat talentless fuck probably will
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A California man has stabbed his potential employer during a job interview.
At least now he knows where he sees himself in five years.
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My imaginary girlfriend just accused me of having low self esteem and then dumped me.
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U2's Bono is involved in a bike accident and suffers fractures to his arm, shoulder & face requiring three plates and 18 screws.
Well tonight thank God it's him instead of me.
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I repainted the exteriors of all the houses in my portfolio, but everyone's still refusing to pay extra rent.
They also think I take Monopoly too seriously.
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Do you, Afton Burton, take Charles Manson,
I repeat, CHARLES FUCKING MANSON !
-to be your lawfully wedded husband?
The definition of irony.
The hacking, activist group Anonymous said that they'd hacked into the Ku Klux Klan's website this week.
A spokesman for the KKK said they were planning legal action, saying that Anonymous are just a bunch of freaks and cowards who haven't got the bottle to show their faces.
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"Why has everything got to be a game with you?"
"An excellent question love, but next time, please use the buzzer
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It's thought that up to 40 whales make up the group spotted off the Essex coast.
Waiting to welcome Gemma Collins back into the fold no doubt.
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The Rosetta comet lander was a true marvel of engineering achievement. Sent into space on a ten-year, 6.4 billion kilometre voyage, it was looped round Mars once and Earth three times to gain speed, before homing in on a speeding comet with only a tenth of a second time window to ensure it found its target.
And they forgot to put a spare battery on.
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The Krankies aren't getting much work these days.
It can't be easy pretending to be a ten year old boy when your piss-flaps are hanging out the bottom of your shorts.
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My ex once told me I was incapable of multitasking.
So I got drunk and embarrassed her at the same time.
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I was really enjoying the repeats of Steptoe & Son the other day.
Well, until I realised that I was actually watching Bob Geldof.
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My mate knows how to juggle 3 balls with 1 hand.
That may sound really impressive, until you find out he used to live near Chernobyl.
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No matter what goes wrong,
There is always someone who knew it would.
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When dad went to work this morning, mum asked me to play hide and seek with her.
I can't believe how shit she was in finding me.
Uncle Dave even came round, but for some reason, they only searched her bedroom.
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Jimmy Bullard looks just like my Nan.
After her stroke.
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Bob Geldof has said he could not believe how much some of the artists sacrificed just to attend the filming for the Band Aid 30 video
Bono missed a TV show in L.A.
Ed Sheeran missed a gig in Berlin
And Sinead O'Connor missed a shift at Matalan'
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After my all night party my next door neighbour has just told me that I've won 'wanker of the year'.
I had a real spring in my step on the way to work.
I never win anything.
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Anyone else find it ironic that the people who wear tracksuits and trainers all the time are the least likely to take part in sport?
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How soap opera writers, write scripts.
Step 1: Eat some alphabetti spaghetti
Step 2: Spit it out.
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After he examined my cock and balls he thankfully gave me the all clear.
I shook his hand and left with a real spring in my step.
And to think that priests have a bad reputation.
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I know how people feel when they see their ex with someone else.
It's exactly the way I feel when I see the pizza delivery guy at someone else's house.