Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Malaysia Airlines, Flight 370.
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Are we just supposed to ignore the fact that the President of the United States has aides?
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Doctor: "Are you sexually active?"
Man: Depends on what you mean by "active". There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.
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Just been turned down for the governments Help To Buy Scheme.
Apparently it does not apply to a KFC Family Bucket
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In my mind, the worst news about the missing Malaysian plane is the fact that Piers Morgan wasn't on it.
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Every June I play in a Blackjack team with Chubby Checker.
It's a fucking nightmare trying to talk tactics with him.
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Shame the little guy from Fantasy Island isn't around any more.
He was shit hot at finding planes .
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Steak and blowjob day: The height of misery for ginger vegans everywhere.
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Someone needs to tell that Bear Grylls that life would be much easier if he just bought a fucking house.
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Judging by the searches for Bin Laden, Shannon Matthews, and Tia Sharp, has anyone thought of looking for the missing Malaysian plane at an airport?
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I always have to tie a cravat tightly around my neck before having a wank.
I'm addicted to auto-erotic sophistication.
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The scariest thing about the potential of World War Three starting is that we are on the Germans' side.
They've never won a World War yet.
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Over the past week, I've burgled ten houses in Liverpool.
It feels great to get my stuff back.
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman walk into a pub.
It used to be a Scotsman, but he wants to go it alone so fuck him.
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It's strange how history works.
Everytime a plane goes missing, Man Utd play like shit.
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I feel really sorry for Mick Jagger.
He's such an ugly bastard.
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Got excited when I heard the creator of 'little black dress' had committed suicide.
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Mick jagger is distraught about the death of his girlfriend.
Apparently he tried to revive her, but his lips ended up suffocating her as they covered her whole face.
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Obama has warned Russia there will be "consequences" for their actions in Crimea.
Namely:
1. Russia will get a little bigger.
2. America will look a bit dafter.
I'm not saying my mate is spotty, but when his blind girlfriend touched his face, she tried to turn the page.
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An man walks into a pub and orders dozens of martinis, removing the olives, placing them in a jar, and drinking the martinis.
When the jar is filled with olives and all the martinis drank, he starts to leave.
The bartender stops him and asks, "Excuse me but, what was that all about?"
"My wife sent me out for a jar of olives."
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Last night I got so drunk I thought I'd blacked out for two hours, turns out that I'd just put my hoodie on backwards.
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BBC News: Clarissa Dickson Wright, the last surviving member of 'The Two Fat Ladies' has died.
Not really surviving then is it?
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Let's spare a thought for the man who told his wife that he was going to China on the Malaysian plane and now can't leave his girlfriend's apartment.
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Is it just me, or was music better when ugly people were allowed to make it too?
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I've just been diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome.
I don't like the medical term, so I've decided to say, "I'm getting in touch with my Scottish heritage."
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Why is Ukraine the safest country in the world?
Because there's no Crimea.
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What's the difference between the Pope and a Pimp.
The Pope : A man at the top of a syndicate that uses lies, extortion and abuse to control others, pray on the vulnerable and make money.
Pimp : all of the above but won't involve children.
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The US Military has cancelled its multi billion dollar research and development program into the next generation of stealth aircraft as they discover simply turning off the transponder has the same effect.
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I saw an immigrant standing with a sign today that said, "I'm looking for Werk."
went over to help him out and correct his spelling but apparently that's how you spell his brother's name.
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What's the difference between an Afghani Military Base and a Pakistani Elementary School?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.
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"How's the diet going?" I asked my buddy.
"Not good." he sighed, "I had eggs for breakfast this morning."
"Oh dear." I sympathized, "Fried?"
"Cadburys."
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BBC News: 2 million people attended the St. Padtrick's Day parade in New York City.
The only parade in the world where the horses are the ones who have to watch where they step.
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I was so fat, as a kid, that I had to go on a diet so I could be Dumbo in the school play.
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I'll never forget the day I won on the Euro Lottery and told my boss to shove his job up his arse.
It was only £2.10, but well worth it.
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"I shit myself in the middle of a lift yesterday."
"I've heard this one, it was wrong on so many levels, right?"
"Nah."
"What happened then?"
"I got bollocked by my boss and kicked off the judging panel of the World Weightlifting Championships."
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Perhaps flight MH370 was attacked by dragons as part of a promotional campaign for the new series of Game of Thrones.