It's true, in America you really do get the feeling that Jesus is all around you.
Mainly due to their poor border control
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When I heard that Gandolfini had died, I thought people were talking about a midget wizard passing away.
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Saturday nights are always the same around here.
Pissed up, wearing their virgin white dresses and out looking for some young cock.
I wish I'd never moved to the Vatican now.
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So Father's Day.
Let me get this straight.
You boast that you shagged my Mum, and I'm supposed to get you a card to say 'thanks'?
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"Is this cup half full or half empty?"
"It doesn't matter, you chose dare, now drink the fucking cum."
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Sky News: Towie's Mario Falcone has revealed he tried killing himself and is now seeing a counsellor.
Hopefully the counsellor will cure his inability.
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My demented grandma found a dead bee in her dinner and freaked out.
She was alright after I reminded her that none of the alphabet spaghetti was alive.
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President Obama: "Stop spying on America."
Chinese President: "You first."
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How come it's perfectly acceptable for a girl to keep her phone between her cleavage, but when I try and do it they're all, "Errrgh give me back my phone you fat weirdo."
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"Man of steel? Iron Man? Pair of pussies, come on I'll take you both on."
"And just who the fuck are you?"
"Rust Man."
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For all those that say you can't fight Mother Nature.
I've tricked her into thinking my hand was a vagina on many occasions.
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I had the chance, I'd tell religious extremists to lighten up.
Except Buddhists, just in case they mishear me.
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No matter how much I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers, the cashier keeps on putting them back!
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The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
Unless he's a Vegetarian.
Then you can get there through his fanny.
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Jim Apple finds introducing himself very problematic when holidaying in France.
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I wonder if there was a word for ice back then when Jesus walked on water.
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I found out today that using spit as lube is not cool.
And it's also enough to get you sacked as a prostate examiner.
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If I had to choke Nigella Lawson, I wouldn't choose my hands to do it with.
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I like a good long cuddle with my girlfriend after sex.
It's the quickest way to deflate her.
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I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.
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When I was a teenager, I'd lock myself in my bedroom for hours every night.
One night, my dad kicked the door down to find out what I was doing. He walked in to discover me sitting on my hand.
"Ah, that old trick," he laughed. I gave an awkward smile back.
"I have to say, son," he continued, "I'm relieved to be honest. I thought you might've been doing something weird. I'll leave you to it."
When he closed the door behind him, I just shrugged my shoulders and carried on fisting myself.
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I think my technophobia is improving, but my paranoia isn't.
I just checked Google Earth to see if anyone was behind me.
BBC News: Justin Bieber allegedly involved in a hit and run.
I find that hard to believe.
Hit and skip yes, but no way a hit and run.
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First Jimmy Savile ruins my memories of 'Jim'll Fix It'.
Now Stuart Hall has spoilt my memories of It's A Knockout.
All I need now is to hear Johnny Morris was a chimp fiddler for my childhood to be totally destroyed.
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Hey NSA, can you order a pizza for me?
I lost Pizza Hut's number from my contacts.
Just order my usual.
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BBC News: The British Army have axed 4,480 soldiers.
But as soon as a Muslim does it it's terrorism.
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"Well hello again viewers, I think you're going to enjoy Nigella's dish today... Pan fry a portion of diced chicken with rocket in a little butter, with seasoning to taste ... now shit on it..... Charles, your dinner's ready!"
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Save the planet!
It's the only place you can get beer.
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Kim Kardashian has named her newborn daughter Kaidence.
So that's Kim, Kaidence and Kanye.
What a lovely family.
Oh, wait...
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"I'm going to take you home and radish you!" I whispered to my date.
"Don't you mean ravish?!" she giggled
"You haven't seen my cock yet."
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Charles Saatchi has insisted that when he held his wife Nigella Lawson by the throat, he was simply "emphasising a point".
Having accepted an official caution, the Police should then have thrown him down three flights of stairs.
To emphasise a point.
Twat.
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So Gok Wan is on the Activia advert. As if I'm going to take advice from him about what I should put in my body.
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My dad phoned me last night.
"Thanks for taking me out for my birthday, son. I can't remember anything after you bought me that drink in the White Swan!"
"That'll be your Alzheimer's."
"Don't be daft. It was that cocktail."
"I very much doubt it."
"Whatever. Where are you?"
"I'm at the bar. Come out of the toilet and drink your cocktail, Dad."
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With mobile technology becoming more discreet, it's getting difficult to tell the difference between someone using hands free and a schizophrenic.
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My girlfriend has started moaning that I never take her out.
"Yeah," I said. "But if I take you out then I've got to blow you up."
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My sex life has been pretty dull now for at least six months.
The brightness button on my laptop is broken.
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Robbie Savage : "Having poor teams like Tahiti devalues tournaments."
Says the man who played for Wales.
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I had a bottle of Bishop's Finger with my tea tonight.
It was disgusting.
It smelled of choir boy.
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I've decided to call my new dog '5 miles'
So I can tell everyone I walk 5 miles every day.
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Online dating service 'Match' brands itself as 'The leading online dating site voted for by singles.
Ummm.........shouldn't that be couples?
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Katie Price was on Daybreak today discussing her latest pregnancy
"I've just had lots of problems with being anaemic, low platelets, I'm a lot heavier than I was before, but it's the fourth one so I know what to expect."
"Och, and whats that?" asked Lorraine Kelly
"I've got a hammock across my crotch to stop this one from just falling out."
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"You're such a sad wanker" sneered my wife.
"Nah, you're mistaken" I said, as I carried on tugging, "these are tears of joy."
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BBC News: "The Sopranos" actor James Gandolfini has died.
Apparently they made it look like a heart attack.
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I saw pictures of the Queen laughing and smiling today looking overjoyed that her horse won yesterday.
I haven't seen her that happy since Mercedes-Benz failed the tunnel pillar safety test.
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My date asked, "Who's your favourite film character?"
I replied, "The plumber."
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Our science teacher told us that he'd always dreamed of being in space when he was younger.
"I thought Earth was in space?" I said.
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I was enjoying a pint in a club when a youth walked in, "What you fucking looking at?" he said giving me the eyes.
"Just tits and arses!" I replied.
"You're lucky then," he said acting tough, "I'll let you off."
"Why's that?" I asked, "You're one of the arses."
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Does anyone know if born again Christians can claim Child Benefit for a second time?