My internet was down for almost 4 minutes,
I'm OK but the 999 operator was a total bitch about it.
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My Grandad always said, "If you want something done properly do it yourself".
Probably why he died during his heart operation.
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Love that warm cosy feeling when you put clothes on straight out of the tumble dryer.
This woman in the laundrette is giving me some strange looks though.
Maybe its her dress.
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If you can keep your head when those around you lose theirs, you are a true Samurai master.
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In 100 years time some diver will say he's discovered Atlantis.
But it will just be Somerset.
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"The Hunger Games" could never happen in real life.
Everybody would just come to Britain and sign on.
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I'm heading to Greenwich later today.
Wondering what I should do in the Mean Time?
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My girlfriend asked me to start treating her like the women from the classic black and white movies.
So I left her tied to the train tracks.
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I couldn't believe it when I found out my neighbour had beaten his wife to death with a sand wedge.
It must have been a really stale.
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I don't like my new Fat Boy Slim sat nav, I keep going round in circles.
"Right here! Right Now! Right here! Right Now!"
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You know you're single when your box of kleenex empties faster than your wallet.
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BBC News: The brain of one monkey has been used to control the movements of another monkey, US scientists report.
In the UK we just call that peer pressure between Chavs.
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I walked into a car showroom today and the salesman said, "What are you looking for?"
"Because I can't afford to buy one".
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John makes £15,000 per year and has £500 in his bank account.
Chris makes £25,000 per year and has £1000 in his bank account.
The bank makes £2.73billion per year and has £837million in its bank account.
Who pays less taxes?
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Tonight I'm cooking chicken kiev with my friends.
Its just like ordinary chicken but afterwards we get shot by the police.
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I'm getting beside myself with worry.
If Scotland vote for independence Britain won't have a curling team at the next winter Olympics.
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I had to send in a duplicate application to get a job making retro cars at Citroen.
They needed 2 CVs.
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Watching a can on the floor of a bus is like watching Stevie Wonder getting out of a stranger's house.
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Job interviews are ridiculous, they always ask the same mundane questions.
Like "Why are you naked?"
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Two big stories on the News tonight ;
Ukraine, and UK rain.
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I walked up to a group of blokes and said "Ok, which one of you thinks you're fucking hard enough?"
Shortly after that, i lost my job at the Erectile dysfunction clinic.
The internet is a sad place, it's full of people with no balls typing abusive things to others behind the safety of their computer screen.
And if you don't agree with me, I will fucking kill you.
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I invented a computer game called flabby birds.
It never took off.
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Rebekah Brooks has been very calm and composed while giving evidence at the phone hacking trial.
Considering that her pants are on fire.
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"Kiev protests continue in the Ukraine."
I don't blame them one bit. I heard it's not even chicken that they put in them these days.
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A man was sat in a pub pondering and looking into his glass when a stranger approached and said, "Alcohol won't solve your problems mate."
"What makes you think I have got problems?"
"Your bus parked outside full of people is a bit of a clue."
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A Londoner is visiting North Wales. He watched a shepherd tending his sheep and decided to join him for a chat whilst on his rounds in the field.
After a while they came across an ewe with its head caught in the fence.
The shepherd dropped his trousers,got down on his knees and had sex the ewe.
The Shepherd buttoned up and turned to the Londoner and said "Fancy a go?"
"Dont mind if I do" said the Londoner.
So he dropped his trousers got on his knees and stuck his head between the fence.
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It was depressing last night when I lost my broadband for 5 mins.
I realised that it's the first thing to go down on me in years.
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Polar Vortex - an Arctic like time at which American society reverts to caveman like intelligence and survival abilities by crowding Walmarts and other local superstores trying to horde all the goods they feel they think they need to survive.
In Canada they call it winter.
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I arrived at the Psychiatrists to speak to him about my Kleptomania.
When I turned up he said, "Take a seat please".
"I thought you were meant to be helping!"
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Apparently Bishops are blaming David Cameron for the food bank crisis.
I find that a bit hypocritical of them.
The other day I was starving and the church only gave me a sip of wine and 1 tiny crisp.
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My next door neighbour recently won the lottery. She always had gender issues and felt she was a man trapped in a woman's body, so the first thing she did was have a sex change.
Who said money can't buy a penis?
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I think my colleague might have a drink problem.
My boss came into the office today and said, "Morning."
He replied, "Fucking hell, is it?"
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Who said men can't multitask?
I think we've just proved that we slide stones on ice and sweep up at the same time better.
Your move ladies.
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I was really pleased when I passed my Open Water Diving course the other day.
Now I can finally go back into my house.
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So there's a 'How to masturbate' app now.
Only available on Apple devices I see
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If Rupert liked Rebekah and Wendi; Rebekah liked Rupert, Andy, David and Tony; and Tony liked Rebekah and Wendi. How likely is Cherie to have a Sky box?
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I watched the curling for a few hours yesterday and I must say I found it very boring.
Plus the women kept giving me funny looks through the hairdressers window.