Today, all the power companies around the world should shut down the power grid for 10 minutes.
You know, just to fuck with everyone.
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I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today.
I thought, "That must have been really painful."
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I accidentally dialed 999 from my mobile phone last night.
So I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.
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My car broke down outside Domino's last night.
So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the driver.
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I was on a hunting trip in India and shot an elephant.
Then I had to walk back to camp.
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MTV News: Justin Bieber has given away his pet hamster to a fan.
She should probably wash it.
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FOR SALE:
Brand new full set of Callaway Golf clubs - £5
If a man answers, please hang up.
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I went to audition for a porn movie entitled 'Big black monster cocks.' As I pulled down my briefs and showed them the goods the casting director said, "Thank you but I'm not sure you're right for the part."
"Not big enough, eh?" I frowned.
"That, and the fact that you've clearly just coloured your penis black with a permanent marker."
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The only reason a girl ever chokes on my cock is because my balls stink.
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What's black and always in the back of a police car?
The seat.
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Anakin Skywalker may have been a mighty Jedi but he was obviously dyslexic.
After his mother died, his whole life just went to sith.
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The ice lolly manufacturers have missed out on an ideal opportunity to release the Apo-Calypso.
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'I've never been part of a murder'
Thought the ginger crow.
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Harold Shipman knocked off over 200 grannies before he got caught.
Eat your heart out Rooney.
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"Everyone's out, why don't we go upstairs and be naughty?" winked the wife.
Best hour we've ever had together, randomly crayoning the kid's wallpaper.
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"So, what do you think?" The salesman asked during the test drive.
"It's a lovely car," I replied. "It handles really well and the spec is excellent. But I won't be buying it."
He seemed disappointed. "May I ask why not?"
"Certainly," I said as I pulled up outside my house. "I only needed a ride home after I missed my bus. You OK to drive back to the showroom on your own?"
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President Obama has asked for 'drastic solutions' to stop another student massacre in the USA.
Fox News and the Republican Party have suggested that schools be banned.
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'No pets allowed' signs must cause some amount of confusion in Newcastle.
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After playing for three years, I've found that the only thing you actually grow on Farmville is lonely.
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I got a signet ring stuck on my finger today.
Last time I do that to a baby swan.
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"So my people will talk to your people and we'll go from there"
"OK....that Sounds great"
Two schizophrenics arranging a second date.
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Whats the one good thing about being ginger?
You can use tipex on tattoos you dont like.
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The recession has really hit my family hard this Christmas.
I asked my parents for something to wear and for something to play with.
They gave me a pair of trousers with the pockets cut out of them.
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Apparently, following Monster Energy's advice to 'Unleash the Beast' in the middle of Tesco wasn't a good idea.
Not even the Mayans with their mystical powers could bring an end to the DFS sale.
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The last 3 Sports Personality of the Years have been won by people who perform their sports sitting down.
Michael Owen is already favourite for 2013.
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Foolishly, I ignored my Doctor when he warned me that my hard-core porn habit could affect how I see women.
Now I've gone blind through all the wanking.
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I got 99 problems and I'm dealing with none.
Lay-Z
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Kate Middleton is like Diana in so many ways.
She's friendly, caring, beautiful, constantly surrounded by the press.
And her breath smells of sick.
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Fox TV dropped new episodes of Family Guy to avoid broadcasting potentially sensative content in lue of the Connecticut shootings.
Apparently nothing gets closer to the violence of a primary school shooting than a cartoon with a talking dog and a gay baby.
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As I stood in court awaiting sentencing I whispered, "I hope they don't rape new inmates on their first night in prison?"
"You're not exacty filling me with confidence", said my client.
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I was working in Subway when a Greek girl came in and said, 'Do you have any Feta cheese?'
'Yes, I'm quite into gimp masks and fisting.'
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To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
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"The Twins That Share A Body"; either a documentary about Siamese twins or the title for the sickest Necrophelia porn video imaginable.
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Sometimes I sneak up on my alarm clock when its sleeping and yell
"How does it feel bitch!"
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When the Moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's the apocalypse.
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Can't wait till Chris Rea actually fucking gets home for Christmas.
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During a very difficult time in my life, I was given a 'What Would Jesus Do?' wristband.
On my first night in a Mexican jail, I found out.
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s I sat on the stool, he came and sat on my knee. Putting his head on my chest, he started to sob and tell me about the abuse he had suffered.
"Mate, your corner's on the other side of the ring."
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"Only 366 sleeps til Christmas"
My narcoleptic friends facebook status.
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They say, a picture is worth a thousand words.
Not true, a picture of my ex is only worth a bit of retching at best.
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I spent all morning squeezing spots.
I had puss and blood all over my hands.
Looks like I need to get a new cat.
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I'll start to believe that video games create violent killings the day someone gets arrested for killing a pig by catapulting a bird at it.
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I came to this country with only one pound in my pocket.
And now I own a shopping trolley.
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So it's 'I before E except after C'.
That's confusing as fuck when I am trying to write 'ice'.
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A Connecticut teacher has been hailed a hero after she managed to hide fifteen kids.
Just goes to show, there's one rule for the US education system, another for Josef Fritzl.
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Apparently if you play too much Call of Duty you will kill people.
I play too much football manager.
I'm coming for you Benitez.
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I can't play snooker or pool.
Well, not since someone told me it's like giving a handjob to a man behind you.
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I have been walking around London for an hour and haven't seen another single person.
Either the apocalypse has happened or Man utd have a game.