'Benjamin Button.'
'BENJAMIN WHO?'
'Benjamin'
'WHO'S THERE?'
'Knock knock!'
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One thing that archaeological discoveries have taught us, is that ancient peoples loved drinking in broken cups.
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I bought a new pair of Italian leather shoes.
The salesman said, "You'll need a shoe horn for them."
I said, "Nah, if anyone's in my way I'll just tell them to move."
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I can't understand when people say they could shit through the eye of a needle.
When I have diarrhoea, I kinda lack that kind of accuracy.
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My girlfriend says my obsession with Japanese short-tailed monkeys is getting out of control.
Whatever.
She can suck Macaque.
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I got hauled off a Ryanair flight last Friday morning for being drunk, and spent the rest of the weekend in jail.
There was almost a riot on board as I left.
Apparently everybody else wanted an upgrade too.
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A little girl gets home from school to find her mum sucking the window cleaner off, "What are you doing mummy?" She asked,
"Just paying the window cleaner sweetheart," she replied,
"Well he is robbing you then, Dad paid him on Friday." Said the little girl.
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The One Direction film has so far grossed over four million in the UK.
You can add me to the list, I felt fucking nauseous for the full ninety minutes.
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It's always embarrassing buying the wrong size condoms.
The other day I got a box of XL ones.
Apparently my girlfriend wears medium.
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Sex is like pizza.
When it's good, it's great.
And when I'm drunk, I'll pay for it.
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I can't remember when I first heard the phrase "One up the bum, no harm done."
But whoever said it owes me a new guinea pig.
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They say time is a great healer.
That's probably why when you go to the doctors surgery they keep you waiting so fucking long.
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I was in London today when I was mugged by a fox wielding a knife.
It seems they've adapted well to urban life.
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I got talking to a woman in a hotel bar when she whispered, "Meet me in my room this evening I'm 8e."
"Really? What's your secret," I gasped, "You don't look a day over 40."
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Christianity: where a man doubtlessly walked on water but a fish cannot possibly have moved onto land.
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My favorite episode of Dirty Jobs is the one about the guy who feeds peanut butter to the Kardashians so it looks like they're talking.
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A latest study from Oxford University says that one out of ten deaths are caused by red meat.
Which vindicates my choosing to be a canivore, because it means the other nine are killed by vegetables.
It's called a 'remote' because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
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After I won the lottery I refused to let the money change me.
I snubbed posh restaurants and continued to have a drive-thru McDonalds every Friday.
Once they'd installed the runway.
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The doctor told me to get a lot of rest and not lift anything heavy.
Looks like I won't be having a piss for a while.
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Upon reflection, opening a stall in Brixton market selling Druids robes and hats wasn't the best idea.
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Is it just me, or are there any other anagrams of em?
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I was reading that the UK Army in Afghanistan have been experimenting with tiny, insect-like drones.
They don't kill anybody.
They're just designed to be fucking annoying on Al Quaeda's picnics.
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"What are these chips worth?" I asked a girl in a Blackpool casino.
"Without ketchup? Just a wank, mate."
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"It's been a lifetime ambition of mine to become a Ranger in a National Park," I said enthusiastically. "I'm passionate about nature and would love the opportunity to work closely with bears, wolves and bison."
"I see," the interviewer nodded. "...You really don't know much about Dartmoor, do you?"
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I see Nestle© is recalling 2 million boxes of Golden Grahams because of a possible metal contamination.
They're also recalling Oats & More, because it tastes like raked leaves.
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I treated my lover of fifteen years to an expensive manicure yesterday.
Although, in hindsight, perhaps I should have had my right hand done too.
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Went to bed early last night with a banging headache.
One hour later, I felt a prodding in my back and turned round to see the wife poking me with a broom handle.
I shouted, "What the fuck are you doing?"
She said, "Ahh you bastard, now you know I fucking feel now, don't you?"
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My friends call me a loser.
They might be right, I'm currently playing strip solitaire and I'm naked.
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My friends call me a loser.
They might be right, I'm currently playing strip solitaire and I'm naked.
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"Mummy, will my willy ever be like daddy's?"
"Yes of course it will when you get to be a big boy."
"Oh dear, I was hoping it would grow a bit."
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I've just updated my iPhone.
My HTC One arrives tomorrow.
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FIFA are an inspiration to me.
Having realised installing an oven in a bathroom was a mistake, I've arranged to move the bath to the kitchen.
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The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use the computer.
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Apparently iOS 7 allows you to block phone calls & texts from specific people but none of my iPhone using friends have replied to confirm it.
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I avoid internet dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests.
I don't want to go out with a weirdo.
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"Mum, how should I dress up at Halloween this year?"
"Just hang your GCSE results around your neck and go as a fucking idiot."
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So, Syria have 12 months to dispose of their chemical weapons.
One thing's for sure. They're going to have the cleanest drains in the entire world.
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Where do botanists get their suits from?
Moss Bros.