BBC News: "Breastfeeding linked to Higher IQ"
It works!
I just had a go on my grans and she finished the Times crossword.
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I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day.
He's head of quality control at Walkers.
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So there I was on the golf course, when someone bellowed out, "FORD"
I turned round and shouted back, "The term is FORE, you idiot!"
Then the plane hit me.
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Did you hear about the drummer who was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw himself behind a train?
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I failed History at school, but one day I'll go back and conquer it.
Like Henry VIII did against Hitler.
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I read one that in a survival situation, you can drink your own urine.
Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
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Judas: Still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: Yeah, the Last Supper.
Jesus: The what?
Judas: Supper. Normal supper with the fellas.
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Maybe it isn't fucking Maybelline.
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BBC News: In his Budget address, Chancellor George Osborne said Britain is 'walking tall' again.
Yeah George, but only because you've driven thousands of disabled people to suicide.
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I've discovered two things since I've started doing squats in the gym:
1) I can't do squats
2) I now can't walk
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Those who say 'Something is better than nothing' have probably never tried a dial up modem
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Every woman is a stripper.
If you wait outside her window in a tree long enough, with binoculars.
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Sky News: 6.2 Underwater quake hits Indonesia, no warning yet.
Well, warn them then, you bastards.
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I was with my girlfriend, looking at rings in the window of the local jewellers.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" she said.
On reflection, "I don't know, does it involve sheep?" was probably not the best answer.
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I'm thinking of directing a lesbian porn movie where it's actually two men that have had a sex change.
I'm going to call it Edward scissors Hans.
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Dick Advocaat.
Great football manager.
Horrible flavour for a drink.
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What do you call a hamster covered in cum?
Think I'll let the kids choose on the way back from this dodgy pet store.
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I'm not saying it's a bit rough round where I live, but the kids play hopscotch in chalked body outlines.
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BBC News: At his spring party conference Nick Clegg has said he would be willing to enter into a pact with Ed Miliband, once the Election results are known.
Hopefully a suicide-pact.
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A guy knocked on my door yesterday and told me he was on his lunch break and couldn't help me.
Worst door-to-door salesman ever.
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I used to love being told I had that 'James Dean look'
Until I found out it was because I look like I've been in a car accident.
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What's the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.
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I was in a band called, The Pens.
We were only good on paper.
"You've got to believe in yourself," I said.
Trust me to get an imaginary friend with confidence issues.
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"What do you think you could add to the role, if we gave you the position?" asked the interviewer.
"Butter, lettuce, bacon and tomato," I said.
Reckon I nailed this job interview at Greggs.
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I seriously regret employing this old black fella to take calls at my DVD rental shop.
When I came back there were fucking Skittles everywhere.
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They get Buzz Aldrin, supposedly someone who has been to The Moon, on Skygazing Live, yet no mention of The Clangers.
I'll let you draw your own conclusions.
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BBC News: Speculation was rife as to why Vladimir Putin has been missing for the last 10 days.
Turns out he had the flu.
Not sure he's got this cold war thing down right.
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I once saw a woman walking on the beach wearing a full burqa.
I couldn't help thinking that if she got a sunburn, in the eye slit, she'd look like a Cylon naked.
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I had to go to hospital to have my appendix out recently. I was quite nervous.
"I could perform this operation with one hand tied behind my back," my surgeon told me.
Which I found very reassuring, right up until the anaesthetic started to kick in and he pulled out some rope.
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Since I started my new job in the city I have truly been living life in the fast lane.
2mph on the M25.
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On a scale of 1 to 10 how immature am I?
6.9
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With the world's first successful penis transplant police say they are now bracing for a wave of black men being abducted.
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If Simon has 150 vintage comics, and buys 10 more each costing £58 from his savings of £46,000, what is he left with?
His virginity.
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Chat up lines - number 12.
"What's the difference between you and my big toe?"
"I haven't banged you on my coffee table yet."
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I call my penis 'Stretch Armstrong' because nobody has played with it since 1994.
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I don't believe Jesus died for my sins.
The Internet's only just made most of them possible.
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Katie Price and her son Harvey were on TV yesterday and the way they were holding hands was lovely.
Yet he still couldn't bear to look at her.
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I can't believe how accurate astrology is.
My G'rans stars the other day said she would meet someone who would take her heart away.
She did.
A pathologist.
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I learned Chinese cookery in Cairo.
That's why I wok like an Egyptian.
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I'm not saying Michael Gove is useless, but it wouldn't surprise me if his answer to improving higher education was to build taller schools.
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JOB VACANCY: Personal Assistant to man who has been mis-sold PPI, and who has also had an accident that wasn't his fault.
Full time role. Good telephone manner essential.
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In an interview, Madonna told Howard Stern that she dated rapper 2Pac before his death.
They can call off the search for his killer then, it was clearly suicide.
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I don't understand why anyone would set their washing machine at 40 degrees.
Surely it would look neater in line with all the other kitchen units.
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One advantage of being dyslexic is that it doesn't cost much to get a personal registration for your car.
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They say those who live by the sword die by the sword.
Rubbish, my mate's a blacksmith specialising in period weaponry and he's just been diagnosed with bowel cancer.
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How do you confuse a paedophile?
Show him his own baby photos
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I just pissed so hard a little bit of laugh came out.
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What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
Gary Glitters sexual history.
Twat.
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Warning: This movie 'MAY' contain nudity?
Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my fucking time.