The new Star Wars film will feature a new fat robot to star alongside R2D2 and C3P0, it'll be called OBCT.
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Just tried downloading the official FIFA World Cup app, but it keeps saying it's corrupted.
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Does anyone else find cucumber makes them burp a lot?
Or am I just shoving mine up too far?
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Just for once I'd like to see a realistic tampon advert.
With the woman sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Mars Bar hanging out of her mouth.
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BBC News: standards of education in the UK today are so low that many school leavers have no working knowledge of British history at all.
If she could see what's become of the country she died for, Joan of Arc would turn in her grave.
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There has now been proven to be a direct link between the quality of nicknames and the quality of football of the Brazil team.
The flair of Pele, Zico and Socrates has been replaced by the traditional English skills of Jo, Fred and Bernard.
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"If you're excited at finding your name on a coke bottle, then imagine how I feel every time I go B&Q"
- Matt White
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I tape popcorn to the ceiling.
It's cheaper than a smoke alarm, and doesn't need batteries.
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I won a three-day countdown timer at the fair today.
Well a goldfish, but same fucking thing.
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Sky Sports News: After the fiasco against Italy, Wayne Rooney has been practicing his corners.
And circles.
And colouring.
And doodles.
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If the Scottish fail to gain independence, maybe the UK should show its unity by creating a new country, to replace England and Scotland.
As a symbol of collaboration between these nations, this new country should combine the first three letters of England and the last four letters of Scotland.
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U.S.: "Our thoughts and prayers are with the Iraqi oil wells."
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I've decided never to buy anything off the Internet again, after getting conned last week.
I ordered what was supposed to be the world's largest cardboard box, but the one it came in was bigger.
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"Well honey, I'm off to the set for another day playing Han Solo."
"Break a leg, dear."
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I thought I'd give my new Politician bullshit translator a go......
Up to 450 British Nationals have traveled to join ISIS in Iraq and are planning to attack the UK when they return.
We seriously need to make up a reason to protect our stake in Iraqs Oil, using military action. This is perfect.... the public trusts us, and their stupid so they will buy it. If any one challenges us - we can accuse them of supporting terrorism.
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Japan gave us a lesson in how to behave the other day, after their game finished, everyone in the end, where they were sitting, helped clean all the mess up, they left it spotless.
It certainly made me think about how bad we Brits are compared to our Asian counterparts.
And as a result, I'll be changing my ways at football matches next season.
I'm going to take my mate Hirohito with me.
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I'm thinking of suing a fitness site after I followed the advice of one of their ads - "Lose weight by cutting off belly fat every day".
Almost fucking bled to death.
Facebook has apologised for the 20 minutes it was down yesterday.
They've ensured it won't happen again by asking Eric Pickles to inform them beforehand next time he plans to change his profile picture.
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As my mate Dave and I carried a wardrobe out of DFS the security guard stopped us and said, "Can you prove that you've paid for this?"
"Sure," I replied, "Reach into my left trouser pocket."
"Ok," he said, slipping his hand inside, "Your pocket is empty!"
"Exactly," I said, "I had £600 in there when I came in."
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Wayne Rooney is refusing to write off England's chances in the World Cup.
Mainly because he can't write.
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Daily Mail: "Man fined for sex act with teenager forced into prostitution"
I get the fine but forcing him into prostitution seems a bit harsh?
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"A wine please"
"Sir, this is McDonalds."
"Okay, a McWine please"
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BBC News: In Spain, Juan Carlos has abdicated and handed the crown to his son King Felipe, whose wife is Queen Letizia.
Fucking hell, she's a Queen and a rapper?
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My mate told me that being a successful Kebab shop owner for the past 10 years has made him into the man he is today.
Teetotal and vegetarian.
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Torpedo.
An underwater missile or a Norwegian kid's nightmare.
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After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Oh fuck, he's moving!'"
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A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle.
A perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze.
Perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,
"Would you do me a huge favour?"
"Oh anything!" She replied excitedly.
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'