How many G4S staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
6 Soldiers and a Policeman.
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I've been put on the waiting list for a new kidney.
It's a very exclusive butchers.
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I got banned from Waterstones today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the '50 Shades of Grey' shelf.
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Rain.
Official weather supplier to the London 2012 Olympic Games. I like this!
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"Don't fucking move!" I shouted.
At the woman, who was looking in the estate agents window.
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Sinead O'Connor is definitely going to have another number 1.
I just saw her walk into the barbers.
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50 Shades of Gravy.
It's very saucy.
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Snoop Dogg, Eminem and 50 Cent were all at my local's pub quiz last night.
"What's the name of a squirrel's nest?" asked the quiz master.
"It's a sett," said Snoop. "Fo shizzle!"
"No way, it's a holt," added Eminem.
"Yo mo'fuckers!" said Cent. "It's gotta be a lodge."
Typical, they forgot about drey.
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What came first, the suggestion or the suggestion box?
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I'll bet doing the dance to the YMCA is back breaking in Chinese.
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I'm going to sue McDonald's.
I ate six Happy Meals today and now I fucking hate myself.
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Turns out the son of a preacher man just had very long arms.
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I drink two units of alcohol per day.
One kitchen cupboard full of vodka and one full of scotch.
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I'd never date a woman that's more muscular than I am.
Unless
I suppose
She forced me to.
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G4S - does the '4' stand for the number of security personnel that will actually be available for the Olympics?
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I went for a Prostate check up and I asked the doctor if I could hold his penis while he examined me.
"Are you a homosexual?" he asked me.
"No," I replied "I just want to make sure it's your finger you stuff in."
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If you suck at playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
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I rang babestation last night, the girl answered and said "Hi, what can I do for you...?",
"Fucking hide! I've lost the remote and my girlfriend is coming down the stairs!"
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Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true love and to be very romantic.
Sure, if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic.
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According to the BBC summer is not far away.
Thats if 3 hours on a plane doesn`t bother you
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We are Rangers
Super Rangers
No-one likes us
And we don't.... appear to have anticipated some of the longer-term ramifications of this.
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I'm thinking about making a show like Cash Cab called Cats Cab, where people get into a taxi and a cat is driving and all of these flashing lights go off, but instead of answering questions everyone dies because cats can't drive.
I always wanted to be a people person.
But people keep fucking ruining it for me.
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Do magazines really have to add "Alive" after "Sexiest Woman", or am I just grossly underestimating the number of necrophiliacs in the world?
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I'm sick of hearing about 50 shades of grey.
Did guys make this much fuss when Debbie does Dallas was released?
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"Doctor, if I never drink, smoke or have sex, will I live forever?"
"No, but it will feel like it"
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Just been told I've won the "Cynic of the Year" award.
I bet there's a catch.
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If I wore Lonsdale trainers I'd run really fast.
So nobody could see them.
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Spiderman.
Just another guy who gets sticky after using the web.
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How to do business, by Newcastle Utd
Sell Andy Carroll for £35 million.
Use the money to buy Cisse, Ba, Cabaye, Tiote, Ben Arfa, Santon and Andy Carroll.
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A woman was looking through the Sympathy cards.
"Can I help you?" asked the assistant.
"I don't know, do you have any, I'm sorry I laughed at your cock cards."
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If you want a holiday with no sun.
Try going on a cruise with Sylvester Stallone.
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"I'm no mechanic," I said to my wife, "but I think the clutch has gone. And the exhaust."
"Fuck! So have the wheels," she exclaimed.
I turned to her, "But we only slowed down to pay the Mersey Tunnel toll."
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When my shitty fucking "swear jar" is fucking full.
I'm going to fucking buy a fucking xbox motherfucking 360.
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I bet Katie Price could find Wally in about five seconds if he had his cock hanging out.
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"I've known you since you were this big," said my mums friend signalling about 5 inches with her hands.
"Yeah, my penis has gotten a lot bigger since then," I replied.
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My teacher once told me that every word has to have a vowel in it and I often wonder......why?
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I was driving along when a woman pulled out in front of me.
Turned out to be an exhibitionist from Thailand.
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I've just bought Man City Monopoly
It's like normal monopoly but you start with all of the money and all of the property.
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A salesman knocked on my door today.
I opened it and said, "You'll have to be quick mate, I'm running around like a nutter in here."
"Who is your current energy supplier?" he asked.
"Red Bull."
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I got chucked out of the opera last night.
They don't like you joining in.
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"I'm almost afraid to have sex with you, I think it might hurt." said my new girlfriend.
"Why's that, love. You afraid of a big cock?" I asked smiling as I took a drink.
"No, because it just took you 6 minutes to put the straw in the hole of your Capri-Sun.
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I was unloading my shopping in the supermarket today when the bloke standing behind me poked me in the back.
"Excuse me. This till is for 10 items or less only and your trolly is full to the top. Can't you read?" He said pointing to the sign.
"Of course I can read, I'm just shit at maths."
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I went to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation.
He said, "It must be really stressful for your wife."
"To be honest it's getting on her tits"
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I'm totally against clubbing seals.
They're shit dancers.