The money is a nice bonus.
But the real joy in robbing the Post Office is watching the staff move quickly for fucking once.
=====
"That was the best sex I've ever had," I gushed exuberantly to my new girlfriend !!
"I'm so glad to hear that," she giggled...
"Yeah, but it's not saying much. This is also only the third time I've ever had sex."
=====
I was heartbroken to find out that I hadn't made the shortlist to go to Mars.
But then I cheered up when I remembered that I live in Slough and the factory is just up the road.
=====
My Chinese horoscope says that as a man born in the year of the rabbit, my ideal mates are Sheep, Pigs, Snakes and Horses.
But the bastards from the RSPCA are still going to prosecute me.
=====
Is their face falling on one side? Has their speech become slurred?
Then you're probably in a pub in Glasgow.
=====
People tell me I have an ego problem.
That's rubbish, my biggest problem is fear of being assassinated.
=====
My girlfriend and I have just left a deposit on a new bed.
Yeah, the urge just came over us and we went for it like two teenagers.
=====
I read in a woman's magazine that the perfect husband is "wealthy, intelligent and has an off-button".
I hate these distorted standards for men, how's a regular guy like me meant to compete with Stephen Hawking?
=====
Anyone else think that it would have been more appropriate if the music for Fifty Shades of Grey had been by Take That.
=====
I've just lost a shed load of money on one stupid gamble.
I gambled that nobody would break into the shed where I keep ll my money.
=====
I called the number on a missing cat poster today and said, "I think I've just found Thomas."
"Really?" screamed the owner, "Is he white?"
"Yes."
"Brilliant, are his two front paws black?"
"Yes."
"Oh my god, does he have a black tip on the end of his tail?"
"Yes."
"Wooohooo! And he's wearing a yellow collar?"
"A yellow collar? I can't say, that must still be on the head."
=====
"Forgive me father,for I have sinned."
"Well,what is it that you've done,my son?"
"I've killed two men."
"Well, that is quite serious my son. You can't expect me to keep something this serious to myself."
"Err, OK father. Make that three men."
=====
"What the fuck are all these books?" I laughed loudly.
"This is a LIBRARY, Sir!" the receptionist replied, condescendingly.
"So, what the fuck are all these books?" I whispered.
=====
"My name is Luka. I live on the.. um.. one of those floors up there somewhere. I forget which one"
- Suzanne Vaguer.
=====
I had a ten team accumulator last weekend. The first nine came in, and my non-league team was the tenth.
I was watching the game, phone in hand, as we scored in the 75th minute to make it one nil. I looked down at my phone, the "Cash Out" button staring back at me.
I agonised over the decision for a good two minutes... Should I take a guaranteed smaller win, or hold out for the big money?
Eventually, I went to press the "Cash Out" button, but it was too late. Their centre forward noticed I wasn't concentrating, and chipped me from 40 yards.
=====
My ex is just like Gollum
Skinny, ugly and wont let me have her ring.
=====
I just watched 50 shades of grey and it's just like porn.
Without the porn.
=====
"Is this your card?"
"No."
"This one?"
"No."
"This one?"
"No."
"It's not looking good is it?"
"Considering I'm up for fraud, not really."
=====
I went to see a psychiatrist about my multiple personality disorder.
Fucker billed me for it three times.
The doctor put me on anti-depressants today and told me to see him again in a fortnight.
Apparently, they should have kicked in by then, and he'll reveal what's wrong with me.
=====
I tried to catch some fog.
I mist.
=====
I've gone speed-dating loads of times.
It usually takes less than ten seconds for me to ask a girl out, and for her to say no.
=====
I'm convinced that the only reason women put a kiss on the end of text messages is so they can not put a kiss when they're
pissed off at you.
=====
I hate being narcoleptic, but on the plus side i am going on holiday next week.
I cant wait only 48 sleeps to go.
=====
When the Scottish woman who has been short listed for a one way trip to Mars was asked why she wanted to go she replied,
"First I was having a drink in a bar and a helicopter nearly killed me, then I was doing a bit of shopping and a bin wagon nearly killed me, so I'm fucking off somewhere safe. "
=====
Those performance enhancing drugs are fucking shit.
I never won a single fishing competition.
=====
Pancake Day Tuesday, Valentine's Day last Saturday, and on both occasions I was just a lonely tosser.
=====
Charities - Because nothing shows how far your £2/month could go than a £100 million advertising campaign.
=====
As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream, I heard those inevitable words.
'Clean up on aisle 3.
=====
After chatting a really attractive blonde last night, I pulled out my phone and asked "Do you think I could have your number?"
"Well, maybe," she replied, "but it'd be a hell of a coincidence."
=====
BBC News: Egyptians are bombing 'Isis'
How things have changed, 4,000 years ago they absolutely worshiped her.
=====
I have a sneaky suspicion that a lot of the cats and dogs are hoarding many single women to themselves.
=====
On Star Trek, Klingons get promoted by killing the man above them. I explained this to HR but they still won't let me back in the building.
=====
Some people buy an extra fridge to store their beer.
My mate brought a Smeg fridge to store his cheese.
=====
More details have been leaked about this summers blockbuster Jurassic World. As you may know, a new genetically made dinosaur will wreak havoc.
Apparently, to create the super predator, they mixed the DNA from a T-Rex and a 70's BBC Children's TV presenter.
=====
I've lost my job as a plumber's apprentice.
He asked me to nip out and get some UniBond, and I came back with a few photos of Daniel Craig in his student days.
=====
My girlfriend is writing a book about our sex life.
50 shades of okay.
=====
Have you ever wondered why mountain climbers rope themselves together?
It's to stop the sensible ones going home.
=====
I had a titwank for the first time last night, it wasn't that great.
I found the constant chirping quite off putting.
=====
They should make another Taken movie, about Liam Neeson's character being under-appreciated for trying to keep his family safe.
"Taken 4: Granted"
=====
I always felt a frisson of excitement watching my ex eat buttered asparagus.
It wasn't anything erotic, there was an outside chance that she might choke on it.
=====
Yesterday I met my daughter's boyfriend for the first time. We were alone in a room together, so I started asking him a few questions.
"So, do you have your own place already?"
"No, I believe that God will help me."
"Okay, well, do you currently have a job?"
"...no, but again, I believe that God will help me."
"Well how are you planning to feed my daughter and your children, assuming you will be having some?"
"Hmm...I don't know yet to be honest...but still, I believe that God will help me."
After a few more questions, he left and went home. Once he had gone, my daughter asked me, "Well, what did you think of him?"
"Well, he's kind of a loser, but he is honest, butI really like what he calls me."
=====
BBC News: Tesco have brought out a new food range for the 2015 Chinese New Year, the year of the goat.
Don't be surprised to find leftovers from the year of the horse.