There is a nudist convention on in town next week.
I might go if I have nothing on.
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Rowan Atkinson's next film role is to play a comical character who is unable to satisfy his wife.
Missed her bean.
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My wife and I were out with her parents and I was telling them about our new bedroom drapes:
I said, "They're magnificent, presented in traditional 16th century English style. I close them and nobody could ever see what the 2 of us get up to in bed together."
My wife's mum said, "You have Tudor curtains?"
"That's right," I said. "And sometimes I bite her clitoris too."
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Ronnie Biggs has died, aged 84.
This leaves National Rail as the last remaining Great Train Robber, with cheese sandwiches for £4.50
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My dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend.
He said, "You know, you could do better."
"Thanks dad, that means a lot," I replied.
"I was talking to your girlfriend."
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Just posted R.I.P NELSON on Facebook.
I got 52 likes in the first 8 minutes.
To be honest I didn't know my cat was that popular.
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So, MTV has cancelled "Teen Mom".
At least MTV knows when to pull out.
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I bet Gollum goes absolutely nuts on the 5th day of Christmas.
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In our hotel, we decided to get into the proper Christmas spirit.
Anyone who wanted a room was told to fuck off.
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I've just bought the American version of Cluedo.
It was them.
In the middle east.
Looking for oil.
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I went back in history and changed World War II so the Cookie Monster killed Hitler by battering him to death with a 14 inch dildo.
I love editing Wikipedia pages.
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Big congratulations to Sam Bailey for winning The |X Factor, and wishing her the best of luck in the jungle next year.
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'Marksmanship'-The ability to shoot skilfully.
And also the name of my gay mate Mark's new boat.
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My ex always fantasised about being fucked by something big and black.
So I hit her over the head with the coal scuttle.
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My Dad always told me "it's not about what you know, it's about who you know."
What a load of bollocks, I totally failed when I just listed my mates names in my science exam.
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The Bank of England is to introduce plastic banknotes that can survive a spin in a washing machine by 2016.
Surely that will just encourage money laundering ?
I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.
I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"
"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over £100 million to develop," he boasted proudly.
"What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked.
"We give them to a bloke on a push bike."
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My ex is a lot brighter than me.
Mind you, I'm not the one who is on fire.
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I saw an advert for the new Sony 4K TV. The picture looks really sharp and crystal clear.
So I'll just keep my old TV.
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So far I've received 17 Christmas cards.
If I get one this year that will make 18.
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I think I entered a parallel universe today.
I opened the washing machine and found loads of extra socks.
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The story of the Great Train Robbery of 1963 is to be made into a film for modern audiences.
The Great Rail Replacement Bus Service Robbery is due to hit screens in early 2014.
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BBC News: Justin Bieber is 'retiring from music.'
That's like a fish 'retiring from bicycle riding'.
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I can't believe how much younger-looking Phil Collins is than the other Great Train Robbers.
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When you die, everyone says your entire life flashes before your eyes.
So one last look at porn then.
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I just sat my girlfriend down on the sofa and said, "There's something I need to do."
"What is it?" she asked, "You're scaring me."
I said, "I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore."
She immediately jumped up, punched me in the face and ran out of the house screaming, "Never talk to me again you bastard!!"
Fucking great.
£1500 this engagement ring cost me.
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Justin Bieber announces his retirement.
Ian Watkins is sent down for 29 years.
Frazer from N-Dubz is declared bankrupt.
All we need now is for Jimi Hendrix to rise from the grave and go on tour, and this will be the best week in the history of music.
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It amazes me that when I was at school I couldn't even spell 'Teacher.'
Now I are one.
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Aldi has launched a range of "Upperclass" meals.
Because nothing says class like a £5 lobster dipped in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
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I don't even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during Christmas.
One look at the wrap job, and it's VERY obvious.
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When I was younger I used to piss myself when I got nervous.
It made losing my virginity very messy.
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Mickey Mouse has a Tottenham Hotspur watch.