I've just changed a lightbulb.
What's all the fucking fuss about ?
======
Me and my dad can't play Jenga because of the 9/11 attacks.
He was killed instantly when the first plane hit.
=====
I was on the laptop earlier and the wife said, "You're always on that bloody thing. What would you be doing if the internet hadn't been invented?"
"Probably still wanking over that picture of your sister."
=====
Did you know that 85% of pie charts resemble Pacman?
=====
I saw some ducks in the park looking at their reflection in the water.
I'm pretty sure they were practicing their teenage slut face.
=====
A young woman goes into the butcher's shop with her baby:
"My scales have broken down. Do you think you could weigh my baby for me?"
The butcher takes the baby into a side room and returns after a while with a plastic bag:
"3545 grams ... without bones."
=====
BBC News : North Korean rocket fails, falls in South Korean seas.
North Korea State TV News : Eternal leaders rocket becomes glorious submarine to fool the puppet forces of the West.
=====
I don't know exactly who's health I'm drinking to, but they're going to be fucking immortal at this rate.
=====
Ladbrokes may have my money, but I nicked their pen.
One all!
=====
I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic.
"Oh yes, quite a few", the Librarian said.
"Sorry to hear that", I replied. "They'll all be ruined by now".
=====
I won a Leeds United away kit on eBay.
When it arrived it was a Stanley knife and a baseball bat with some nails in.
=====
My daughter has recently moved in with her boyfriend and one evening she called me;
"Dad? Erm.." she said hesitantly, "John and I have been together for a while now, and erm.. We were wondering if you wouldn't mind coming round and well... Baby-proofing the flat?"
"Of course my Princess!" I said happily.
So I went round there and cut off his cock.
=====
When I die, I'm going to have the Tetris theme played at my funeral, just as my coffin is being lowered into the ground.
=====
If you're wondering what your girlfriend would look like as a blow up doll.
Just watch her put on mascara.
=====
Condoms aren't that safe.
My mate was wearing one and he got hit by a bus.
=====
I'd always wanted to use food in a kinky way.
And as she smeared jelly all over her belly, my excitement swelled.
"Now the tits. Now the tits," I shouted.
"Mr Smith, please," said the midwife. "Do you want to know the sex of the baby or not?"
=====
It's not true that women love big dicks.
I'm a big dick and women fucking hate me.
=====
I've just backed a horse called Bukkake.
It's a 50/1 shot.
=====
I feel that police in America would live longer if they just took their last week before retirement off as a holiday.
=====
I went to see my favourite prostitute yesterday. She was busy, so I waited patiently for my turn.
"Hello, my love," she said happily. "What can I do for you?"
"A blow job and then anal, please," I replied.
"Erm... That's a bit rude," she said, looking embarrassed. "Try again."
"Okay... I'll have a tit wank followed by straight sex."
She grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and pulled me towards her.
"Look, dickhead," she whispered. "That's my night job."
"Now, do you want an ice cream or not?"
=====
Bullying Support Group meeting, tonight at 8.
You'd better fucking be there.
=====
Why dont Man Utd players take their shirts off after scoring a goal?
Because it's hard to do when the referee is hugging you.
======
'SKY News: Cruise ship recreates legendary Titanic journey.
Didn't the Costa Concordia already do that earlier this year?
=====
Wow!
The Lynx effect really works.
Unfortunately for me, I was in the Prison showers when I found out.
=====
How does Sean Connery shave?
Ctrl+S
Go on. Admit it, you had to say shave in Sean Connery's voice.
=====
SKY News: The man that 'had a stroke which turned him gay.'
What the fuck was he stroking?
=====
I finally plucked up the courage to ask a girl out, but because I can't handle rejection, I gave her some options.
A) Yes
B) A
C) B
=====
SKY NEws: BBC to remake Hannah Montana.
It'll be called 'Barbara Scarborough'.
=====
In anticipation of new government legislation that will allow snooping on all of our internet usage, I would just like to say one thing:
David Cameron is knob sucking arse fucker.
=====
'It's National Stalking Awareness Day'...
I wrote to my neighbour..........In blood..........On her cat.
=====
Whenever my mum calls me, she asks how the little one is.
I don't have any children, she just likes mocking my penis.
=====
Tried that Bishops Finger Ale today, tastes like arse.
=====
I was watching the Chelsea v Barcelona game and the picture went a bit fuzzy.
I tapped the side of the TV and Drogba fell over.
=====
We used to have a chocolate Labrador.
One day, it started cleaning itself and disappeared.
=====
I don't think Anders Behring Breivik is as ruthlessly intelligent as they're claiming.
Take his plan for white supremacy.
Step 1: Kill 74 white people.
=====
My son said, "Dad, why is the top of my head flat?"
I said, "That's my fault, son. It happened when you were a baby."
"Why? Did you drop me on my head?"
"No, I got a bit carried away fisting your mother."
=====
What's only five inches long and makes my wife scream for more?
Chocolate.
Fat cow.
=====
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short.
But yell it at them in German, because life is also confusing as fuck and a bit scary.
=====
It seems the best way to make it rain endlessly is to officially declare drought.
With that in mind, I am officially declaring that I am poor.
======
Breaking News : Everton are appealing against the penalty they are going to give away at Old Trafford at the weekend.
=====
SKY News: The man that 'had a stroke which turned him gay.'
What the fuck was he stroking?
=====
I finally plucked up the courage to ask a girl out, but because I can't handle rejection, I gave her some options.
A) Yes
B) A
C) B
=====
SKY NEws: BBC to remake Hannah Montana.
It'll be called 'Barbara Scarborough'.
=====
In anticipation of new government legislation that will allow snooping on all of our internet usage, I would just like to say one thing:
David Cameron is knob sucking arse fucker.
=====
'It's National Stalking Awareness Day'...
I wrote to my neighbour..........In blood..........On her cat.
=====
Whenever my mum calls me, she asks how the little one is.
I don't have any children, she just likes mocking my penis.
=====
Tried that Bishops Finger Ale today, tastes like arse.
=====
I was watching the Chelsea v Barcelona game and the picture went a bit fuzzy.
I tapped the side of the TV and Drogba fell over.
=====
We used to have a chocolate Labrador.
One day, it started cleaning itself and disappeared.
=====
I don't think Anders Behring Breivik is as ruthlessly intelligent as they're claiming.
Take his plan for white supremacy.
Step 1: Kill 74 white people.
=====
My son said, "Dad, why is the top of my head flat?"
I said, "That's my fault, son. It happened when you were a baby."
"Why? Did you drop me on my head?"
"No, I got a bit carried away fisting your mother."
=====
What's only five inches long and makes my wife scream for more?
Chocolate.
Fat cow.
=====
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short.
But yell it at them in German, because life is also confusing as fuck and a bit scary.
=====
It seems the best way to make it rain endlessly is to officially declare drought.
With that in mind, I am officially declaring that I am poor.
======
Breaking News : Everton are appealing against the penalty they are going to give away at Old Trafford at the weekend.