So Manchester criminals are now using 3D printed guns.
Surely it's going to be easy to spot them in the stupid glasses they have to wear?
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How do you solve a problem like Maria?
Sell her off to a Romanian gypsy family, it seems.
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My mate told me that as he's gotten older he's decided there is nothing he would like more than to settle down with the one person who really loves him, laughs at his jokes and accepts him for who he is.
So he's staying single.
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My Welsh mate suffers with premature ejaculation.
It's all over in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
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I walked in on my mum and dad having a pillow fight earlier.
Mum's bound to win though.
Dad's been in a coma for months.
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If you chain enough monkeys to enough typewriters, eventually one of the supervisors at the zoo will report you.
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I can't see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges it will be cheaper buying an AK-47.
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Before the 'Iron Age' I wonder if everything was just creased.
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"How much are you willing to pay for the car?"
"1500, tops."
'OK, but they better be short sleeved'
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What is small, red and can only talk in whispers?
A hoarse radish.
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I realised my life was shit when I was in Primark.
And someone came up to me and said, "Do you work here?".
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After a lengthy debate in the pub it turns out The Swedish House Mafia isn't Ikea but some modern music combo.
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McDonald's has said it is to stop serving Heinz ketchup in its stores after 40 years.
Great, the only thing with any taste in their restaurants, gone.
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When my brother was sent to jail he went a bit fucking mental.
Started off with him not talking to anyone, this soon progressed as he then started to smash the place up.
Ended up with him stripping naked and smearing his faeces over himself and the walls.
for being the world's biggest pessimistic narcissist.
Last time we play monopoly at my house.
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"I don't think I'll ever get the recognition I deserve."
Said the pessimistic narcissist.
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So as I drove my car down the road I could see the destruction of the storm, cars upside down, fences blown over and rubbish everywhere.
Words can't express the destruction I saw.
No, wait. I'm in Slough it always looks like this.
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Looks like the NSA didn't understand when Obama said "I'd tap that "
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I scared the shit out of pensioners in my street went out trick or treating.
I dressed up as a gas bill.
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I just realised that I haven't done the hokey pokey in over 10 years.
I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.
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Tory MP Michael Fabricant Says Russell Brand Is A twat.
Says the man whose surname is "fabulous" and "lubricant" put together.
I've built a time machine out of a Smart Car.
But I can't get the fucker anywhere near 88 miles per hour.
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I've just done one of Jamie's Oliver's 15 minute meals in just under 12 minutes.
I saved time by not acting like a mockney wide tongued dick.
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I was having a smoke at the bus stop when a woman said, "You should give that up. Every cigarette you smoke takes five minutes off your life."
"Yeah, but I'd just spend them wishing I had a cigarette anyway."
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Victor Hugo says, "He who opens a school door, closes a prison."
What kind of sadistic bastard designed his school?
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The word for whore in Spanish is 'puta', in Italian it's 'puttana' and in French it's 'putain'.
I don't know what the word is in Russian, but I have my suspicions.
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My mate Dave drinks way too much coffee.
It's gotten to the point that his wife won't give him a blow job at night, because she won't be able to fall asleep for hours afterwards.
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My mum walked into my bedroom and told me it was like a rubbish tip.
Although I could barely hear her over the noise of the seagulls.
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Magnum PI only solved 3.14 crimes.
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BBC News: Main suspect in Madeleine McCann case died four years ago
Bullshit, I saw Kate McCann in Asda the other week.
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Just bought the Cluedo: The McCann version.
The only cards are:
Kate.
In the bedroom.
With the syringe.
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Anyone else find it ironic that axe handles are made of wood.
It's like the ultimate 'Fuck you' to trees.
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I've had a terrible time recently. My farm was repossessed, my wife left me, and then my dog died.
My only consolation is the income from my new Country and Western song writing business.
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Kate and Gerry McCann walk into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long farce?"
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As a man and his wife walked around the supermarket today she accidentally pushed the trolley into a display knocking everything to the floor.
"How embarrassing," he said, as everybody began to stare.
"It's really heavy and hard to control," she complained, "You'll have to get out."
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Last night I convinced my children to dress up as the characters from The Wizard Of Oz.
It was all very traumatic, and they're in bits now.
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have used a real lion.
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BBC News: Operation Yewtree are not naming the latest celebrity they've arrested..
But they did say that he'd be offered a deal or no deal.
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I did something really embarrassing on my blind date last night.
I needed the loo and accidentally walked into the ladies toilets.
Not as embarrassed as her though, she was stuck halfway out the bathroom window.
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My kids asked for a Halloween horror experience that would last all year long.
So I got them Man United season tickets.
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Murdoch, BA and Hannibal from the A-Team walk into a bar.
The barman says "why the no face?"
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The zombie apocalypse has started! So far I've killed 7 of them last night.
I thought they ate brains though, but these little bastards must of had a sweet tooth judging from what's in their bags.