Sky News: Katie Price is pregnant again.
"I'm so happy, its a dream come true, I can't believe I get to bring another life into the world, to nurture it and love it," said her nanny.
=====
So, Jermaine Jackson has legally changed his name to Jermaine Jacksun for 'artistic reasons'.
What a cont.
=====
I'm hoping the new pope would be called Oree.
=====
BBC News: Pilot badger culls in Somerset and Gloucestershire have been approved.
Fuck! They've been taught how to fly planes!?
=====
Scientists have finally discovered why the World didnt end last December.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse had nothing to ride on thanks to the UK's Beef Industry.
=====
After nearly 3 months of trying, my wife has just told me that she's pregnant.
Worst stutter ever.
=====
So Oscar Pistorius was using bodybuilding supplements.
They must have been from Ikea because the body he built was missing two legs.
=====
The Sun Newspaper: 'Katie Price is craving a roast.'
I must say she is a game bird.
=====
I met up with this woman from the Internet, after about 5 minutes I said:
"I couldn't believe my luck when I saw your profile, we share the same hobby."
"It was a typo" she said, "It should have read walking, please pull your trousers up."
=====
No matter how you 'arrange' your vajazzle.
It's still Braille for 'slag.'
=====
The missus said I should be more athletic.
So I shot her while she was in the bathroom.
=====
Ironically, one of the few places in the world you can't buy something on Amazon is actually The Amazon.
=====
My cock looks just like a banana.
Even the security guard in Tesco agreed, before kicking me out.
=====
They say size doesn't matter, but none of them let me fist them.
=====
Whenever a new neighbour moves in and I don't like them, the 1st thing I do is borrow a hammer.
and return it covered in dried blood.
=====
What's got 2 legs and kills women ?
The Pistorius brothers.
=====
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer which means the average human gets 41 miles to the gallon.
Not bad.
=====
Following Pope Benedict XVI's announcement that he is to step down as leader of the Catholic Church due to old age, yesterday it was confirmed that he is to have his ring destroyed.
Not too old for a late dabble in the porn industry then.
=====
I got talking to a girl at the bar.
"So," she said. "What do you dislike about yourself?"
I replied, "I often mislead people."
"Really?" she asked.
"No."
=====
A bloke just came into my shop and said, "Why's your exit sign flickering on and off?"
"It's on the way out."
=====
I haven't had sex for so long that I can't remember which sock to use.
=====
Katie Price wants the birth of her new child to be full of integrity.
Well, that's what she said whilst having a dump on ITV2.
=====
If you want to see the best Harlem Shake there is, then I recommend throwing a flashbang into a group of epileptics.
=====
I was shocked this morning when I stuck my tongue in my girlfriend's pussy.
She'd stuck a 9v battery up there for a laugh.
=====
She didn't even try to hide her disappointment as she took my cock out of my trousers.
"You fucking liar! You told me it was 12 inches!" She complained.
"It is 12 inches, you just need to understand how to calculate volume."
=====
After I've masturbated I always delete my history because I don't want anyone knowing that I Googled "How to masturbate tutorial".
=====
I think I've just broken wi nd.
=====
All the wide range of porn on the internet has kind of spoiled sex for me, I used to get a hard on looking at a pair of big jiggly bouncing greased up boobs.
Now the only thing that gets me off is knowing that while you're reading this you're thinking about big jiggly bouncing greased up boobs.
=====
IKEA meatballs contain horse DNA.
There's a joke in there somewhere, you'll have to assemble it yourselves.
=====
I will never understand the teenagers of today.
They have unprotected sex, but have cases on their phones.
=====
BBC News: One Direction have announced that they will cover Nirvana hit "smells like teen spirit" on their forthcoming tour.
Which is great news as they could learn a lot from Kurt Cobain.
=====
Arkansas is just Kansas with pirates.
=====
Does anyone else find it highly amusing that the pope is going to have his ring destroyed by a Bishop?
=====
Sky News: "Woman Climbs Everest Twice In A Week"
That will teach her to leave her handbag at the summit.
=====
I saw a gorgeous girl at the supermarket buying tampons, so I plucked up all my courage and asked her if she'd like to go out for dinner.
In 5 to 7 days' time.
"I'm so happy, its a dream come true, I can't believe I get to bring another life into the world, to nurture it and love it," said her nanny.
=====
So, Jermaine Jackson has legally changed his name to Jermaine Jacksun for 'artistic reasons'.
What a cont.
=====
I'm hoping the new pope would be called Oree.
=====
BBC News: Pilot badger culls in Somerset and Gloucestershire have been approved.
Fuck! They've been taught how to fly planes!?
=====
Scientists have finally discovered why the World didnt end last December.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse had nothing to ride on thanks to the UK's Beef Industry.
=====
After nearly 3 months of trying, my wife has just told me that she's pregnant.
Worst stutter ever.
=====
So Oscar Pistorius was using bodybuilding supplements.
They must have been from Ikea because the body he built was missing two legs.
=====
The Sun Newspaper: 'Katie Price is craving a roast.'
I must say she is a game bird.
=====
I met up with this woman from the Internet, after about 5 minutes I said:
"I couldn't believe my luck when I saw your profile, we share the same hobby."
"It was a typo" she said, "It should have read walking, please pull your trousers up."
=====
No matter how you 'arrange' your vajazzle.
It's still Braille for 'slag.'
=====
The missus said I should be more athletic.
So I shot her while she was in the bathroom.
=====
Ironically, one of the few places in the world you can't buy something on Amazon is actually The Amazon.
=====
My cock looks just like a banana.
Even the security guard in Tesco agreed, before kicking me out.
=====
They say size doesn't matter, but none of them let me fist them.
=====
Whenever a new neighbour moves in and I don't like them, the 1st thing I do is borrow a hammer.
and return it covered in dried blood.
=====
What's got 2 legs and kills women ?
The Pistorius brothers.
=====
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer which means the average human gets 41 miles to the gallon.
Not bad.
=====
Following Pope Benedict XVI's announcement that he is to step down as leader of the Catholic Church due to old age, yesterday it was confirmed that he is to have his ring destroyed.
Not too old for a late dabble in the porn industry then.
=====
I got talking to a girl at the bar.
"So," she said. "What do you dislike about yourself?"
I replied, "I often mislead people."
"Really?" she asked.
"No."
=====
A bloke just came into my shop and said, "Why's your exit sign flickering on and off?"
"It's on the way out."
=====
I haven't had sex for so long that I can't remember which sock to use.
=====
Katie Price wants the birth of her new child to be full of integrity.
Well, that's what she said whilst having a dump on ITV2.
=====
If you want to see the best Harlem Shake there is, then I recommend throwing a flashbang into a group of epileptics.
=====
I was shocked this morning when I stuck my tongue in my girlfriend's pussy.
She'd stuck a 9v battery up there for a laugh.
=====
She didn't even try to hide her disappointment as she took my cock out of my trousers.
"You fucking liar! You told me it was 12 inches!" She complained.
"It is 12 inches, you just need to understand how to calculate volume."
=====
After I've masturbated I always delete my history because I don't want anyone knowing that I Googled "How to masturbate tutorial".
=====
I think I've just broken wi nd.
=====
All the wide range of porn on the internet has kind of spoiled sex for me, I used to get a hard on looking at a pair of big jiggly bouncing greased up boobs.
Now the only thing that gets me off is knowing that while you're reading this you're thinking about big jiggly bouncing greased up boobs.
=====
IKEA meatballs contain horse DNA.
There's a joke in there somewhere, you'll have to assemble it yourselves.
=====
I will never understand the teenagers of today.
They have unprotected sex, but have cases on their phones.
=====
BBC News: One Direction have announced that they will cover Nirvana hit "smells like teen spirit" on their forthcoming tour.
Which is great news as they could learn a lot from Kurt Cobain.
=====
Arkansas is just Kansas with pirates.
=====
Does anyone else find it highly amusing that the pope is going to have his ring destroyed by a Bishop?
=====
Sky News: "Woman Climbs Everest Twice In A Week"
That will teach her to leave her handbag at the summit.
=====
I saw a gorgeous girl at the supermarket buying tampons, so I plucked up all my courage and asked her if she'd like to go out for dinner.
In 5 to 7 days' time.
"Oh God, I think I'm going to explode any second!" I told my girlfriend.
"On my tits" she whispered, "do it on my tits"
"Really? You sure?"
"Yes! Quickly!! For me"
"Oh ok then........it's cominnnnng......."
The moral of the story is: If you've got diarrhoea, it's best to be specific.
=====
BBC News: An Egyptian Police spokesman has said that witnesses heard the hot air balloon pilot send out a warning just before it crashed.
It was a case of Toot and Ka Boom.
=====
Congratulations to Jennifer Lawrence on her Oscar, commiserations to Reeva Steenkamp on hers.
=====
It's not over till the fat lady puts all your bags on the pavement, changes the locks and calls a solicitor.
=====
I was doing my favourite subject today.
I fucking love being King.
=====
So, I hear Kim Kardashian is leaving 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' after the 9th series.
Hopefully they'll kill her off.
=====
Don't anthropomorphise computers.
They hate that.
=====
Why does Catwoman wear a black outfit?
To defeat Superstitious Man.
=====
What's got two legs and ruins other people's lives?
Oscar Pistorius and Heather Mills.
=====
BBC News: Russia meteor's origin tracked down.
Space.
=====
Very bad news that two Britons are among 18 tourists killed after a hot air balloon plummeted to the ground in a ball of flames on to a sugar cane field near Luxor.
On the plus side there's now enough caramel for 3,000 Creme Brulees.
=====
I don't know why they sell cheap socks in pairs.
It's not like I have two cocks.
=====
My dyslexia is getting whores.
=====
Does anyone else think it would be ironic if a black Pope is elected that he will be surrounded by men in white robes with pointy hats swinging crosses in front of him.
=====
More often than not, a massage will turn into sex.
Which is why I'm no longer the physio at Doncaster Rovers.
=====
Before they supported Chris Brown they were just known as "The Peas".
=====
Son: "Dad, how did you manage before the internet was invented?"
Dad: "Readers Wives and Razzle, son."
=====
I was so shocked to learn of is horse meat in IKEA's meatballs, that it's almost made me want to stop taking my family to a furniture store for dinner.
=====
"I got fired today", I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."
"That's a bit harsh" he replied.
"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control"
=====
Thank fuck for Twitter.
Texting 317 friends and strangers messages like, "I've just had sausages for dinner - yummy!" was getting expensive.
=====
I have decided not to smoke with the kids in the car.
The walk will do them good.
=====
So Lenny Henry has been granted 'Freedom of Dudley' because of his charity work.
He must be so happy now gets unlimited access to the endless amounts of Pound shops and disappointment.
=====
My wife asked me to watch her do a cartwheel, like that's supposed to impress me, but it actually did.
She managed to get the whole thing in.
=====
"I think that one of your problems is that you actually have too much confidence."
Said the sexy therapist, who I'd be having sex with later.
=====
I've just heard that all balloon flights in Egypt have been suspended.
Doesn't that mean they're technically now cable cars?
=====
I've been seeing my new girlfriend for about a month, I haven't had sex with her yet, but she whispered to me today, "I was thinking, maybe later, you might want to give me a little cock action?"
Well that's ruined everything, mine's fucking massive.
=====
What's blue and kills women?
A pregnancy testing kit at Oscar Pistorius' house.
=====
"Is that all you're going to do all day, sit there writing jokes? Pack it in and get on with your fucking job!!" Screamed my boss.
on the Miranda scriptwriting team.
=====
I hate when people on airplanes recline their seat so far back, they are practically in your lap.
So I start stroking their hair and say to them, "you're almost there."
=====
BBC News: Badger culls are to go ahead.
BBC News: Farmers call for more British meat products to be sold.
Coincidence?
=====
I've just found out that McDonald's will give you a free combo meal and £327.38 if you go to the drive thru dressed as a clown.
With a gun.
=====
They say when a dog starts shitting in the house, it's on its way out and should be put down.
Gutted.
Two days I had that puppy.
=====
Just found a dead man in the street, so I have brought him in and put him on my cats pillow.
Lets see how it fucking likes it.
=====
BBC News: The Vatican will soon be choosing a new Pope to lead the 1.2 billion Catholics around the world.
That's one hell of a conga.
=====
I'm not saying I need a pube trimmer, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinnochio has joined the Taliban.
=====
I asked my daughter what she wanted for her Birthday and she said "An iPad"
I bought her one but then thought it was a bit cheap for a present so I got her a cutlass, tricorn hat and parrot to go with it.
=====
I was hoovering in my pants this morning when suddenly my testicle got sucked into the pipe.
=====
Most people enjoy a spoonerism joke.
My neighbour, Mr. Figpucker, disagrees.
=====
Sky News: Jessica Ennis has been made a CBE by the Queen.
Finally, somebody on the honours list that people wouldn't mind being molested by.
=====
Abu Qatada has said he will be horribly tortured for his crimes and doesn't want to go back to Jordan.
Can't say I blame him, neither did Peter Andre.
=====
"I love you."
"Fuck off. Chat costs an extra tenner."
=====
So, the Pope is standing down to "spend the rest of his life in prayer."
No doubt praying that no one finds out he's been fucking kids.