"I'm off to Taiwan for a blood test."
"Taipei?"
"Well, I won't know my blood type until I get there."
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I called out a 24 hour plumber last night but when he got here he didn't seem to know what he was doing.
I said to him, "So how long have you been a plumber?"
"24 hours."
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My boss is brilliant.He's said I can bring shorts in tomorrow if I want due to the heat.
Jack Daniels it is.
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"Dad, where's mummy?"
"She's gone to live with Jesus."
"What! Mummy's dead?!
"If only. No, she's moved in with some Mexican."
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If you watched soccer aid last sunday, raise your hand.
Now slap yourself with it.
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An obsessive compulsive walks into a bar.
13 times, right foot first.
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I had sex with a sarcastic girl.
She loved every minute of it.
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I just told my brother he was adopted.
He said, "At least they picked me."
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Euro 2012 is set to begin soon.
The Polish national team are scheduled to fly out from Heathrow next week.
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All of my orgasms are handmade.
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I was in a restaurant today and the waiter asked if I was ready to order.
"What do you recommend?" I asked.
"Sir, the chef's special," replied the waiter.
"Well, if he's that fucking good, I'll have anything!"
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I asked the chemist, "What's best for nasty insect bites?"
"Probably mosquitos."
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I've just bought a wind up radio.
When I turned it on it said "Oi, gay boy! I've done your mum."
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My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it.
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So Justin Bieber will be prosecuted and could end up in jail for up to six months after lashing out at a photographer.
Knowing him, he'll have dropped his soap before he even reaches the shower.
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You know you're on shaky ground when your new Employee ID badge is a Post-It note.
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Mario Balotelli says he'll kill anyone who throws a banana at him in the street
I've got a banana.
Anyone know where I can get a Jedward mask?
Just letting you know that I will be signing books at Waterstones on Thursday from 4PM, until security escort me off the premises.
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Apparently One Direction's Louis was awoken at 5am by a naked man knocking wildly at his hotel room door...trying to get out.
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Just had uncle Ben's rice for dinner.
He's an alcoholic and didn't even notice anyway.
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Imagine if you couldn't imagine.
You can't?
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Apparently Justin Bieber has said he's got a good excuse for attacking a photographer..
The Police told him 'PMS is no excuse'.
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I got a text today from a wrong number that read "but I love you girl."
So I sent him back a picture of my cock.
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If a lesbian "cock blocks" another lesbian, would it then be considered a "beaver dam"?
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A guy with a gun enters a bar.'Who the fuck had sex with my wife?'
A voice was heard at the back, 'You don`t have enough bullets mate!'
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I used to love playing spin the bottle when I was younger.
And catch the bottle. And talk to the bottle. I was a very lonely child.
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It's just taken me 3 hours to bury my son's cat.
Probably would have been faster if it was dead.
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I've just read that Katie Price is getting ready to launch her own underwear.
Across the room no doubt.
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The real reason there's a hosepipe ban is so you don't squirt that idiot with a flaming torch running down your road.
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Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears... Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees you're hurt... Sometimes... when you are worried.... no one sees your stress...Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ... But try masturbating in Asda car park just one fucking time & see how much fucking attention you get.
Can you pick me up from the police station ?
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I decided to perform the Deacon Blue song "Dignity" at the Britain's Got Talent audition.
"Is that your favourite song?" asked Ant and Dec.
"No I just have a strong sense of irony".
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I've changed my name to AAA..
Just so people think that I'm the best arcade machine player in the world.
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Supermarkets are running out of sandwiches, fruits and desserts.
Apparently because dyslexic's are picnic buying.
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After the third consecutive day of forgetting to take out the trash, my girlfriend started shouting at me: "Either all men are lazy or they are fucking idiots."
To which I replied: "No, we are definitely fucking idiots."
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If an infinite amount of monkeys had an infinite amount of typewriters, how long would it take them to write the complete works of Shakespeare?
I dunno but I reckon in the first three seconds they'd have written the Katie Price's autobiography.
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Plumbers are due to go on strike soon, but they can't say whether it'll be morning or afternoon.
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"The Sun" is my favourite newspaper.
News stories mean nothing to me, unless I know the ages of everyone involved.