My neighbour said to me "A problem shared, is a problem halved."
So I've dumped half my asbestos in his front garden.
=====
What do Jade Goody and Jeremy Kyle have in common?
Not enough.
=====
Just saw that advert where Holly Willoughby says that whitening toothpaste is part of her daily beauty routine.
Bless her. She genuinely believes people are looking at her face.
=====
Every day is Groundhog Day for me.
I work in a factory making pork sausages.
=====
I've joined a new religion.
I go around knocking on doors trying to convince people not to eat Warburton's or Kingsmill.
I'm a Hovis Witness.
=====
Pidutskooluoy
It make look strange, but if you read it backwards it makes you look stupid.
=====
As I sat down with a cup of tea to watch a porno, my mate laughed and said, "You want to be careful mate, you'll go blind."
I laughed, but he was right.
I'd left the spoon in the cup.
=====
My wife sat down next to me and said,"You treat me like a dog."
"Get off the couch"
=====
My friend told me not to say anything about his new girlfriends lazy eye.
So I made sure to give numerous compliments on her normal one.
=====
I couldn't believe it when my wife came home and said she'd crashed the car.
I said to her, "What the fuck have you done now? You really are useless."
"It wasn't my fault." She cried, " I swerved to avoid a dog."
"Yeah I know." I said, "But that's after you smashed through someone's back garden and demolished his kennel."
=====
Apparently, if you give just one pound to Radio 1's charity appeal, you will provide text books, pens and an education to a child in Africa.
After thinking long and hard, I decided to do the right thing.
I'm sending my kids to school in Kenya.
=====
If the Bible is a work of fiction, is the Book of Mormon fanfiction?
=====
I was reading reports today that said the UK government is to advertise on Romanian TV.
Apparently they're going to tell them its to cold here, to discourage them from coming into the country.
Wouldn't it be more effective to tell them there are no more metal gates left in the UK?
=====
Put these letters in order to get a body part.
E I P S N.
Those of you that got spine will become doctors.
The rest of you I like.
=====
They say people get wiser with age.
No they fucking don't.
We just run out of dumb shit to do.
=====
They say that all the best ideas will always fit on a beermat.
So beer then.
=====
Statistically, 53.2% of all housewives cheat on their husbands.
I don't give a fuck about statistics; I want names and addresses.
=====
I was looking for a needle and thread to sew up my trousers.
So I opened the Quality Street tin and there's fucking chocolates in there!
What the fuck happened to this world?
=====
I'm writing a book about all my recent sexual behaviour.
It's called the Palma Sutra.
=====
Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."
"You've got the wrong house then mate."
=====
My wife seemed a bit fucking pissed off when I brought home my best mate Dave to tackle the problem with the plumbing.
Apparently, she was expecting to see a Gynaecologist.
=====
There's a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer.
Never, and down the fucking drain.
=====
My neighbor knocked on my door last night.
"Excuse me," he said. "Could you help me force open my front door. I forgot my house keys at the office."
I laughed. "It's no problem, I do it all the time."
"You do?"
"Yeah, did you know that your wife has a dildo in her 3rd drawer down?"
=====
For sale.
1 Used wank sock.
No longer needed due to unforeseen circumstances.
Contact J. Kyle at ITV Studios.
=====
I'm going poaching with Phil Collins later.
Hopefully, there'll be something in the snare tonight.
=====
If I was a superhero, I'd call myself Ironic.
So that when there's trouble and I'm running away, people will be like. "Isn't that ironic?!"
=====
I just drove past my ex girlfriend at the bus stop.
Fuck it, she can wait for the next one.
=====
My friend has just been committed to a psychiatric ward.
He went crazy trying to open a bottle of pills that were supposed to calm his nerves.
BBC News: Bill Gates wants to eradicate polio in three to four years.
Dyslexic mint lovers are furious.
=====
I was in the pub last night and saw my sexy neighbour.
"On your own?" I smiled, "it's about time you got a boyfriend."
She said, "you sound just like my mum."
"Really? You should tell her to cut down on the ciggies then."
=====
My mate said he would love to be a fly on the wall.
So I beat the fuck out of him with a newspaper until he was dead.
=====
My body told me I wanted a rocket salad with shrimp in a pesto sauce, toasted baguette, roasted pine nuts and sliced cherry tomatoes.
My fridge, on the other hand, told me I wanted mustard.
=====
'Continental Breakfast' is just a way of saying "we aren't cooking for you"
=====
If asking rhetorical questions was an olympic sport, would I not win a gold medal?
=====
The UK has become like MTV.
It use to have relevance years ago but now it's just full of pregnant teenagers.
=====
These adverts saying "someone you know has a mental problem" are making me paranoid.
=====
In school biology class was the first time I saw a vagina.
Mrs Smith doesn't teach anymore.
=====
The vicar told me that it wasn't a sin to have sex with my former wife as long as neither of us have re-married.
That's a relief, I've been single since I was widowed.
=====
Anagramically speaking, Pepsi is 80 Percent Penis.
=====
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
It didn't. Mushrooms are non-sentient organic matter, so they generally don't get invited to parties.
Plus this one was ginger.
=====
When my brother got sent to jail, he didn't take it well at all. Refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, smeared his own shit up the walls.
After that we never played monopoly again.
=====
My girlfriend just sent me a text saying "You're obsessed with me, I don't want to see you anymore"
So just doggy style now I guess.
=====
I'm convinced everybody is trying to read my mind.
But you already know that.
=====
If a gay guy leaves his Facebook account open, do all his gay friends post that he is straight on his wall?
=====
I knocked on a lady's door today.
I said, "Hi, I'm going door to door because I need the community to sign a petition that allows our local business to test our products on animals, will you sign?"
"Depends, what is it you're making?"
"Dildos."
=====
I was up early today.
Fuck the foreplay.
=====
Two women were talking.
No fucking surprises there then.
=====
Wanted to see some footage of the new QPR left back so I typed in "Suk - Young videos" into google and I think I now have a criminal record.
=====
Tesco are right that 'Every Little Helps'.
But they've spelled 'Lidl' wrong.
=====
I thought I'd try it on with the cute little blonde in the office.
He called me a queer and told me to fuck off.
=====
What do you call a post op trans-sexual with a strap-on?
Nostalgic.
=====
What do you call an Arab Dive Bomber?
CamelKazi.
=====
Every time I go to the gym I loose half a pound.
Not in weight, my fingers are too fat to get the 50p back out of the locker.
=====
BBC News: The OFT says the UK petrol market is working well.
Yeah, for the fucking government.
=====
So Jeremy Kyle has cancer.
I can't help hoping the doctor did a long pause after opening the envelope with the results in.
=====
Oxymorons are basically complicated.
=====
How do you know when it's time to change your wank sock?
When it squelches as you walk.
=====
Old McDonald had a farm.
Sang the cheery repossession man.
=====
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache.
I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.
=====
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them.
=====
If you're going to buy a book on how to pick up girls, check the copyright date.
You don't want to end up like me,
Leaning against a lamppost, tossing a farthing all night.
Calling 'em doll and slapping their arse,
They don't care for that anymore.
=====
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman walk into a pub.
"What's it to be lads?" asks the barman
"A pint of my national beer please, as drunk by every hard-working Irish navvie!" beams the Irishman.
"Pint of Guinness coming right up." says the barman.
"Water of life for me, sir!" says the Scotsman, "The national drink and tipple of every grafting Scottish shipbuilder!"
"Whisky it is, my friend" says the barman. "And you, mate?"
"Bottle of Tyskie" said the Englishman. "And have you got any Kabanos?"
=====
I walked down the stairs today and my wife said, "You haven't been the toilet have you? The flush isn't working..." then she whispered so that our son couldn't
hear her - "I tried to flush something down it before."
"We've got worse problems luv," I replied. "I'm shitting gold fish."
=====
What do you get if you cross a video camera with eight gallons of baby oil and two hot Japanese wrestling lesbians?
Blisters.
=====
So Balotelli is now at AC Milan.
A club owned by Silvio Berlusconi.
Just imagine what their christmas party is going to be like.
=====
I'm not very creattive when it comes to fancy dress parties.
I usually just go as a skeleton.
Trapped inside a man's body.