BBC News: 'Ebola unlikely to be spread.'
Not surprising really, I mean, Who wants that shit on their butties.
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I was depressed about not having a girlfriend till I saw a man with no hands.
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"I think I just saw a shooting star!"
"No, it's probably just one of those Malaysian planes."
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"Our relationship is like a Disney movie."
"That's cute, I'm your Prince Charming?"
"Not exactly, I've slept with seven dwarfs."
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What do they call Malaysians in Ukraine?
Litter.
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My mate got the new Southampton shirt yesterday.
Liverpool have just offered him £6 million to join their squad.
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I'm the kind of guy who would never go into someone's house unless I'm invited.
Fucking hate being a vampire.
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You know you're ugly, when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
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WH Smith - they charge a penny for a bag because they are trying to be 'environmentally friendly.'
Then they give you a whole trees worth of receipts and special offer vouchers.
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Was anyone else tempted as a child to poke holes in their dad's condoms so someone else can do the fucking washing up?
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O2's current marketing scheme advises us to "be more dog."
so imagine my surprise then when I was asked to leave the Manchester store after sniffing a sales assistant's crotch and having a big shit in the corner.
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Just popped to Tesco for some milk and ended up buying three Southampton players.
They keep 'em by the tills now.
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I was walking through town today when some little Chav pointed at me and said to his mates, "That's a face only a mother could love!"
"Yeah, your mother."
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I'm going to see Dawn of The Planet of The Apes tonight.
I really wish I could find myself a girlfriend that's the same species.
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If you're a Scouser and you know it, cover your hands.
You'll leave fingerprints otherwise.
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What's got eight legs and often found in the shower?
Prison rape.
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During lunchtime today I was teaching my 2 year old daughter how to use a fork.
"That's right sweetheart , do it in nice straight lines so that daddy can plant his potatoes"
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Welcome to self-harm club.
The first rule of self-harm club is, "You must talk about self-harm club".
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How do you stop bacon curling in the frying pan?
Take away their brooms.
My girlfriend turned to me and said, "I'm horny. Want to go upstairs?"
Smiling, I said, "Definitely."
"Great. Be a love and throw my dildo down while you're up there."
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BBC News: Albania's economy was plunged into crisis today as their donkey died.
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"Question everything"
Why?
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Splashed on some old spice earlier.
Always new that Mel C was a kinky bitch.
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I always gasp when I'm told a pier's on fire.
Then I'm bitterly disappointed when it's not that Morgan one.
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"Dad, what does 'ignoramus' mean?"
"I've no idea son. Probably some type of dinosaur."
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Sky Sports News: Yaya Toure confirms his future is at Man City.
Then tripped over another big bag of money.
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I was walking through town earlier and saw a girl wearing a T-shirt that read, "Free Palestine".
So I went over to her and said, "I'll take some for my boy, he loves making models and stuff."
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Usain Bolt has sparked controversy this week by stating that the Commonwealth Games are "a bit shit".
What a moron. They're completely shit.
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"I harra dree."
- Martin Luther Ching.
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Racism is now wrong and homophobia is on its way out.
So let's celebrate by watching interracial lesbian porn.
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Entertainment News: "Game of Thrones" to add nine new characters next season.
5 are already dead.
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Sky Sports News: Southampton have become the first club to be Awarded 10 points for financial irregularity.
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I'm getting worried about this Ebola virus.
I hope it doesn't fuck my computer up.
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I was having a few drinks with my mates last night and had to tell one of them: "Dave, I don't know how to tell you this, but your wife is having sex with another man behind your back."
"I don't fucking believe you."
"Seriously mate, turn around,"
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So Eastbourne has joined Hastings and Brighton in losing their seafront attractions to fire.
Can't somebody just give the arsonist Piers Morgan's real address before we lose Blackpool as well?
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I'm worried.
My toenails taste different.
Hope I'm not sick.
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BBC News: Orlando Bloom punched Justin Bieber during an argument at a nightclub in Spain.
Orlando has complained that his hand was pretty sore.
Apparently the entire nightclub had queued up to high-five him.
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I see that Wikipedia is now accepting donations using Bitcoin, the on-line currency.
So now you can support information you're not sure is true, with currency you're not sure is money.
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I just opened an American clothing store called Roman 40.
Everything is XL.
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Just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him, "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon, "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the good news?
"The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man, "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "Not only that," continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colours."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem" said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."