Don't blame it on the sunshine,
Don't blame it on the moonlight,
Don't blame it on the good times,
Blame it on you thinking it was an intruder.
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If Will.I.Am's gravestone doesn't say Will.I.Was, I'll be pretty disappointed.
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Doctor, Doctor, I'm suffering from premature ejaculation.
Well, don't come in here.
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What does Stevie Wonder's wife do when they've had a fight?
Re-arranges the furniture.
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Exciting news!
Apple have come out with a watch that will make calls!
This will be a great accessory for my iPhone which I use to tell the time.
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I once donated some sperm.
The man shaking the Charity bucket didn't seem too impressed
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I've got 69 problems.
My girlfriend is a midget.
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Bunny?
I thought they came out of a wizard's hat, not a wizard's sleeve.
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Pirate: "I'm a bit worried, can you chjeck the moles on my back?"
"It's ok", they're benign"
"Count 'em again Doc, I reckon there be at least ten"
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There are two types of people in this world:
1)Morning people
2)People that want to shoot morning people
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Sadly,the man who invented the raffle has passed away.
R.I.P Tom Bola.
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My career as a Samaritans volunteer was short lived.
The first caller was a depressed homosexual.
Perhaps I shouldn't have laughed and call him a suicide bummer.
How many Scots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1, but they very nearly were back to candles today.
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What's a schet?
Something that Sean Connery didn't give about the Scottish Referendum from his house in the Bahamas.
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Did you hear about the guy who caught his wife cheating, chopped her and her lover up into little pieces and scattered the bits all over the Yorkshire Moors?
No?
Good.
=====
What's green, smells awful and gets lots of sex?
I'm not sure either, but I just found it decaying in an underpass.
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A horse walks into a bar.
Four faults.
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I went into a Scottish pub and the barman said, "We've only got two lagers. Fosters or Freedom."
"What's Freedom like?" I asked.
He answered, "It's the same as the Fosters, but costs an extra quid."
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Surely The Samaritans should have fought for the domain name boohoo.com?
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I ditched my last girlfriend because she was a hooker.
Her uppercut was pretty useful too.
=====
I'm not suggesting that my drug dealer is pretentious but he just offered me some 'Swarovski Meth.'
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BBC News: 2 British tourists in Thailand were beaten to death by a hoe.
These Asian dick-slaps are getting out of hand.
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What do you call four priests and a paedophile?
Five paedophiles.
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My new girlfriend is called Peg.
I met her online.
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Apparently the Daily Mail had two headlines ready for this morning.
1 - Great Scot! Voters save the Union!
2 - Scottish Immigrants to flood UK after independence to claim benefits.
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How many Scousers does it take to change a lightbulb?
45,523.
1 to screw it like the benefit system & 45,522 to hold a minute's silence for the old lightbulb.