I saw two Siamese twins fighting last night.
Sadly, they ended up bleeding to death after I'd separated them.
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I just saved over £200 shopping at Asda.
By using somebody else's debit card.
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BBC News: England stars endure 90 minutes of racism in Serbia.
In hindsight they shouldn't have gave John Terry a ticket.
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According to an article in today's Daily Mail about personal hygiene, most people have detectable amounts of shit on their hands at any given time.
Nonsense, I thought.
Then I realised it was probably true, as I'd just been holding a copy of the Daily Mail.
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Sky News: Police have Tasered a blind man whose white stick was mistaken for a sword.
They better keep their eyes open for those "Armoured Personnel Carriers" or wheelchairs as we know them.
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There's a Native American called Red Bull working in my local KFC.
He gives me wings.
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After hearing that Sandi Togsvic claims she was groped by male colleagues at the BBC, I'm starting to wonder if Jimmy Savile might be innocent.
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I called my boss this morning and said, "I'm not coming in today, my van won't start."
"You can't use that as an excuse, Dave." he replied.
"Why the fuck not?" I asked.
"You work for the AA"
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I've met the girl of my dreams.
She's tall, sexy and loves anal.
I just wish that she didn't have that huge Adam's apple.
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I went to the doctors to seek help with my masturbation addiction.
"Okay," he said "stick your hands in the air like this is robbery and I've got a gun."
"Will this cure me?"
"No," he replied, "but it should stop you for long enough for me to diagnose you."
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The nonce wings in prisons are now referred to as Saville row.
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Remember those scouts on a rollercoaster on Jim'll Fix It?
Are we sure that was milkshake they were drinking?
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What's black and empty ?
Justin Lee Colins' diary.
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I went on a blind date last night.
After walking into the restaurant and introducing myself, she looked at me with a puzzled face and said, "You're old, fat and bald."
"Does it matter?" I asked.
"Yes it does," she replied. "You told me that you was slim with dark hair."
"I was luv, but that was in 1976."
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What's the difference between murder and attempted murder?
Competence.
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try going down a waterslide while it isn't wet and then you'll understand why foreplay is so important.
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I was finally able to get anal from my girlfriend.
All I had to do was put Rohypnol in her drink.
Though I think she's going to be asking questions, once she wakes up with a strap-on around her waist.
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The good thing about marriage is that you can have sex at anytime you want.
As long as you are the one with the vagina.
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I've just tasered a Copper.
I mistook his truncheon for a Lightsaber.
My blind mate is very poor, and coulkdn't afford a dog, so he bought himself a guide cat.
Now he spends half of his mornings waiting under parked cars.
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I just saw 9 grim reapers walking down the street drinking beer.
I can't decide if it's a Halloween party or somebody's cat is actually dead.
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My girlfriend was sat on my face. "I'm fucking sick of you wanting depraved sex!" she said.
"Listen to you!" I said, "You can't stop nagging, even when you're having a shit!"
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My son said he wanted to dress up as a monster this Halloween.
So I bought him a shiney track suit some trainers and a blonde wig.
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Faith can move mountains.
She's just bought a big fuck off digger.
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My mate told me that he had sex last night.
"What was she like?" I asked.
"Really cute," he replied, "a little husky."
"She had a deep voice then?"
"No, she was a puppy."
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My mates think I'm a gynecologist because I've told them I look at twats all day.
I'm really a security guard in the House of Commons.
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My showers used to only go for 3 minutes, until I found out about masturbation.
Now they go for 4.
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Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products.
So say their fucking names properly!
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I've finally found something my ex's bum doesn't look big in.
The distance.
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You know you were drunk last night when you cooked pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees.
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Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering, 'If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X, a long side, Y, and hypotenuse, Z, then the square of Z must be equal to the sum of the square of X and the square of, erm... uh...'
The barman says, 'Y, the long face?'
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For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.
Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.
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Nick Griffin has stated that discrimination is a basic human right.
I agree.
I can't stand fat cod-eyed Nazi wankers myself.
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If the pen is mightier than the sword, then why do I keep losing all my fencing matches?
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Scientists have announced the results of a study that found that people who skip breakfast are inclined to crave fatty, high-calorie foods later in the day.
So basically what they've discovered is, if you don't eat for a while you'll start to feel hungry.
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Honestly officer, I'm not being a smartass.
All I'm saying is if you caught me then you were speeding too.
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I like to go to Old People's homes sometimes and hurl abuse at them.
After all if the good die young, these people must be fucking arseholes.
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My dad was the kind of bloke who could read out a telephone directory and it'd be funny.
To be fair, he used to do it with his cock out.
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I am an optimist.
When I see the glass is half empty I think hey look, more room for vodka.
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Sex for me is like riding a bike, I can't do it after 10 pints.
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People often say that you can't beat a good shit.
I find though that if you whisk in some egg whites it certainly helps.
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I put my left foot in, I took my left foot out, in out in out, I shook it all about.
And still my ex wouldn't believe she had a big vagina.