When I visted my new girlfriend in her flat, she told me to make myself at home.
I threw her out because I can't fucking stand visitors.
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I settled down to watch this programme about transgender marriage the other night, but was disappointed that it focused on scenery instead. I phoned the BBC to complain.
Turns out that the Hebrides are a Scottish Island.
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I heard a sneak preview of Bono's solo album.
It's got a similar sound to the stuff he's done with U2, only less edgy.
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Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
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Nothing says, "We're on the brink of going bust," quite like putting a voucher on Groupon
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What do call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice Fingers.
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Last night I met Jay-Z's mentally unstable brother.
Cray-Z.
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The council charge £11.99 to come and remove an old sofa and dispose of it.
Placed a few pieces of wire under the seat, and the army did it for free.
Got to love the threat of terrorism.
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Ladies. Men look at boobs for the same reason you look at puppies in cages.
We just want to set them free and play with them.
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BBC News: Almost 900 million people are on prescription drugs, costing around 8.8 billion a year. That number has tripled from 15 years ago.
If you think that's depressing, ask your doctor if Citalopram is right for you.
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Barman: "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here."
A tachyon enters a bar.
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My mum has just rung me to say that my dad will soon be going through the pearly gates.
Ever since they won the fucking lottery, they have done nothing but show off.
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My girlfriend dumped me for being obsessed with Greenpeace.
Oh well, there's not many fish left in the sea.
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When I bought this Smart Car 3 years ago, and it's been saving me a lot of money on petrol since.
As an added bonus, I'm saving thousands more because I haven't had a date since.
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"Any good news?" Prince Charles asks one of his advisors.
"No, nothing yet."
"Hmmm..." Charles ponders. "Maybe some drugs are needed to speed things along."
"The doctors know what they're doing," says the advisor. "Kate is in good hands."
"I wasn't talking about that slag," huffs the Prince. "We should slip something into Mummy's drink. It's my turn now."
I pulled the local slag last night and took her back to my place for sex.
As I laid on the bed watching the sperm dribble out of her, I thought to myself, "Well, at least I won't need lube."
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I burst in through the front door at 2am.
"Oh, love of my life!" I shouted. "I've been drinking for twelve hours and now I'm back home!"
"Fuck off!" said the landlord. "I kicked you out at midnight with everyone else."
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Just spent three hours in A & E.
I fell off the roof at IKEA and got my legs wedged in the sign.
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It's taken me nearly fifty years of hard work to become what I am today.
A completely knackered forty nine year old.
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Apparently, seagulls can live for 35 years.
Not if they shit on my fucking car they don't.
Bastards.
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It's always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones.
I'm always like "I love you" and they're like "Erm...thank you for choosing Domino's".
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My daughter's hamster escaped from its cage last night so I spent 4 hours looking for it.
No luck though, he definitely wasn't in the pub.
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The definition of double standards.
God said, "Thou shall not kill"
And then wipes out the entire human race with a global flood just because people didn't take it seriously.
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She lay naked on my bed, with just a carrot, a leek and a cauliflower covering her nether regions.
I fucking hate it when she gets a vegazzle.
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As I put my hand over my nose and blew snot all over my fingers, my date looked at me and said, "That's absolutely disgusting."
"Desperate times call for desperate measures, I'm out of lube."
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"There's no I in teamwork."
"True, but there is a U in Cunt"
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Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
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After Zimmerman was acquitted, Kim Kardashian tweeted, "No justice"
I'm guessing she doesn't remember her fucking father was one of the lawyers who got OJ Simpson the same deal.
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I must be incredibly boring.
Even Adobe stopped asking me for updates.
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A guy at work was bragging about how he lives life on the edge.
In the end I said, "That's fuck all. Last night I had a bath, and I used shower gel."
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My mate is sucj a comitted vegan, he won't even have his picture taken because he'd have to say cheese.
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I went on a blind date last night with the ugliest woman I have ever seen.
Ginger hair, spotty face, big teeth, huge ears and a hairy chin.
Cracking shag though.
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Queen: "Gay marriage is now legal in the U.K. "
Camilla: "Can I take off this dress now?"
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After a well deserved girl's night out, my wife's hangover was so bad that I had to carry her downstairs to make breakfast.
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'Get down on your hands and knees,' she ordered, 'And I'll take you to places you've never been.'
Shittest Sat Nav ever.
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This royal baby is so stubborn I think Prince Andrew might come out before it does
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What do you call an Arsenal player with a trophy?
A lady.