I once mistook a glory hole for a peep hole.
Now I'm blind.
=====
My girlfriend kicked me out last night, for being drunk and out of control.
I hate the fact they let women be bouncers.
=====
What's Islamic State's favourite drink?
De-cappuccino.
=====
I learnt 2 interesting facts today.
1. You can fit 36 biros into a human anus.
2. I need to get a girlfriend.
=====
I was getting a hand job off my new girlfriend when I asked, "How are you so good at this?"
"Years of practice," she replied.
"Bit of a player in your day?" I laughed.
"No, I used to be a dude."
=====
"You missed work yesterday, didn't you?"
"Not particularly,"
=====
Russian boy: "Papa, can I have five roubles please?"
Papa: "Twenty roubles? What do you need fifty roubles for?
=====
I walked into the Asda in Slough and there was a man sobbing at the entrance.
"What's up, pal?" I said.
"Nothing", he replied, "I'm the greeter."
=====
Daily Mail: "Child rapist who bribed his victim with VIP tickets for a One Direction concert is jailed for 18 years"
Can't wait to find out what the disgusting fucker gets for the rape.
=====
I'm going to make a film about a father searching for his missing, self harming teenage son.
It's going to be called Finding Emo.
=====
Where does a Jamaican composer live?
In D flat.
=====
Do you prefer:
a) warm wine
b) hot cider
c) I don't care?
(This is a mull tipple choice question)
=====
All these movie tie-ins are getting on my nerves.
Yesterday, in the supermarket, they had "Frozen" peas.
=====
Ladies - want that flawless skin look?
Learn how to use Photoshop properly then.
=====
"Oh my God! That's not our baby!"
"Shut up, it's a better pram."
=====
I got my father's weak chin, receding hairline, and tiny crooked penis.
Wierdest reading of a will that I've ever attended.
=====
BBC News: The prison service has announced they have opened a new sex offenders wing at HMP Prison Brixton.
Yeah, BBC Shepherds Bush.
I once mistook a peep hole for a glory hole.
What's upset me the most is that it fitted.
=====
If I was running for parliament, I'd make a change to the NHS that would guarantee that I'd get voted in.
I'd make sure that masturbation becomes one of "Your five a day."
=====
It's great to be Russian.
For instance, my wife, she just ask me for some money to go shopping.
By the time she gets to store, she won't be able to afford anything.
=====
As a child my mother would whip me for being anorexic.
Thankfully she missed most of the time.
=====
I always remember the advice my granddad gave me.
"Never kick a man while he is down" He said.
Lost every fight in the UFC.
=====
I put my penis in your mouth.
Your mouth is filled with teeth.
Don't you dare tell me I have trust issues.
=====
As far as I see it, religion is just another excuse that women use for not having sex with me.
I hate being Pope.
=====
BBC News: A restaurant in Liverpool became the first in the city to be awarded the prestigious two star status.
"It was the the only one that didn't give us the shits." said a spokesman from the Food Standard Agency.
=====
So, The Co-op bank has failed a stress test.
For those of you that don't know what it is, the test, is the scenario of unemployment doubling, interests rates shooting up, inflation going through the roof and house prices falling.
Most of you will probably know it better as a Labour Government.
=====
"Death to the Lindtfidels!"
Roared the dyslexic extremist.
=====
Anyone else see the irony when Mark Zuckerberg said he wears a grey t-shirt, everyday, because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter?
=====
I was really happy yesterday, I played a round of golf and hit 2 birdies, an eagle, 4 rabbits and 2 dog walkers.
=====
My girlfriend always asks me to text her when I get in.
That's how small my cock is.
=====
So there won't be snow in africa this Christmas?
Never heard of Kilamanjaro Bob?
=====
"You can't please everybody all the time."
"Why not?"
"Because you're a wanker."
=====
Fortune Teller: "I've got good news, and bad news."
"What's the good news?"
"Well, you're just about to have a heart attack, but the paramedics will save your life."
"What's the bad news then?"
"I've seen that you've got 4 hundred quid in your wallet and I'm having that before they take you to hospital."
=====
How many nails does it take to construct a lesbian's bed?
None.
It's all tongue and groove.
=====
The one similarity I've noticed with sex and sleeping is that I'm not getting nearly enough of either of them.
=====
I once mistook a glory hole for a peep hole.
Now I'm cockeyed.
What's upset me the most is that it fitted.
=====
If I was running for parliament, I'd make a change to the NHS that would guarantee that I'd get voted in.
I'd make sure that masturbation becomes one of "Your five a day."
=====
It's great to be Russian.
For instance, my wife, she just ask me for some money to go shopping.
By the time she gets to store, she won't be able to afford anything.
=====
As a child my mother would whip me for being anorexic.
Thankfully she missed most of the time.
=====
I always remember the advice my granddad gave me.
"Never kick a man while he is down" He said.
Lost every fight in the UFC.
=====
I put my penis in your mouth.
Your mouth is filled with teeth.
Don't you dare tell me I have trust issues.
=====
As far as I see it, religion is just another excuse that women use for not having sex with me.
I hate being Pope.
=====
BBC News: A restaurant in Liverpool became the first in the city to be awarded the prestigious two star status.
"It was the the only one that didn't give us the shits." said a spokesman from the Food Standard Agency.
=====
So, The Co-op bank has failed a stress test.
For those of you that don't know what it is, the test, is the scenario of unemployment doubling, interests rates shooting up, inflation going through the roof and house prices falling.
Most of you will probably know it better as a Labour Government.
=====
"Death to the Lindtfidels!"
Roared the dyslexic extremist.
=====
Anyone else see the irony when Mark Zuckerberg said he wears a grey t-shirt, everyday, because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter?
=====
I was really happy yesterday, I played a round of golf and hit 2 birdies, an eagle, 4 rabbits and 2 dog walkers.
=====
My girlfriend always asks me to text her when I get in.
That's how small my cock is.
=====
So there won't be snow in africa this Christmas?
Never heard of Kilamanjaro Bob?
=====
"You can't please everybody all the time."
"Why not?"
"Because you're a wanker."
=====
Fortune Teller: "I've got good news, and bad news."
"What's the good news?"
"Well, you're just about to have a heart attack, but the paramedics will save your life."
"What's the bad news then?"
"I've seen that you've got 4 hundred quid in your wallet and I'm having that before they take you to hospital."
=====
How many nails does it take to construct a lesbian's bed?
None.
It's all tongue and groove.
=====
The one similarity I've noticed with sex and sleeping is that I'm not getting nearly enough of either of them.
=====
I once mistook a glory hole for a peep hole.
Now I'm cockeyed.