My dentist and I created a new pain management plan.
He drills my teeth while I hold his balls.
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8 years for Arsenal, 1 trophy. 8 minutes for Barca, 1 trophy.
Sounds like someone's wasted half their fucking career.
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If a picture can tell a thousand words then surely 2 pictures in my exam would have counted as an essay.
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I tried to sell my old car at my local dealership, but the guy told me I would get more if I sold it for scrap.
Worst advice ever, now I have no car and a garden full of old fridges, rusty bikes, shopping trolleys and lead.
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Was there anyone sat there last night really hoping that the last house mate was a pack of Wolves.
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BBC News: Scientists discover that dog fleas can jump higher than cat fleas.
In other words scientists have too much time on their hands.
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New York is known as the Big Apple.
I reckon it should be called O.B. City.
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Sky News: SEYCHELLES SHARK SHOCK..........On the sea shore.
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14 year old boy has been fitted with a robot hand.
Awesome!
That'll save him having to sit on it.
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If sex between three people is called a Threesome,
and sex between two people is called a Twosome.
Then why is Handsome a compliment?
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The Sun: World's fattest woman claims that as she gets fatter, the number of men who want to have sex with her increases.
The article didn't specify which creases.
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I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night,
"You're a big lass aren't you?" I said.
"Tell me something I don't know" She replied, with a tear in her eye.
"Umm.........Salad tastes nice"
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How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they never get to keep the house.
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I was standing next to a massive body builder in the shower after the gym.
"See the girl who was on the treadmill," I said, "she really fancies you."
He said, "I'm afraid I'm gay."
"Now I'm afraid you're gay."
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As she lay back on the bed, naked and stroking herself, she looked at me through lust-filled eyes and murmured huskily: "Come over here and do your worst."
So I climbed onto the bed, puked on her feet, spunked in her ear, rolled over, shat the bed and fell asleep.
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I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for her birthday.
"Ooooo, something with a lot of diamonds."
I really hope she likes the deck of cards I got her.
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I bet Adam or Eve were really freaked out the first time they had a shit.
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I was driving through London during the riots last week in my new BMW 6 series when I came face to face with a threatening mob of rioters wielding petrol bombs and clutching 50inch LED TVs. I was shit scared of them trashing my car when I had a moment of sheer genius and wound down the window and in my best street accent shook my fingers and yelled "Look what the fuck I robbed!"
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BBC NEWS- Rescue after cow gets head stuck in ladder!
So the cheating bastard never actually jumped over the moon!
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I thought my dad hated me because he cut me out of all the family photos.
That was until I found his special wank scrapbook.
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I had to violently shake my son to wake him up yesterday.
If I'm going to read him a bedtime story then the least he can do is have the courtesy to listen to the end of it.
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The teacher asks the class, "What can women do that men can't do?"
"Have babies!"
"Breastfeed a baby!"
"Have sex when they're dead!"
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I don't know how anybody gets attacked by sharks...
As soon as I heard that first, "Dun, Dun." I'd be out of there.
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I've adopted a little African child, I worried that he wouldn't adapt well to our way of life.
So to make him feel at home, I put a treadmill in front of all the sinks.
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BBC News- "Apes beat Smurfs at UK box office."
When will this senseless violence end!
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I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff.
As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted "Whatever you do, don't look down".
So I started smiling.
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Since I opened my shop selling bath and sink accessories last week, I've not had a single customer come in to buy anything from Nothing But plugs.
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When I was a little boy, my dad eased me into sex education by allowing me to hide in the bedroom and watch him and my mother having sex.
They divorced when I was seven, so I had to spend the next nine years watching my sad dad crying..........and wanking.
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What did the worm say when he fell in a plate of spaghetti?
"Orgy!"
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What a stroke of luck! I found two Arsenal tickets nailed to a fence today.
Those nails came in really handy.
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I have been accused of being an outspoken bigot for saying the looters were a bunch of uneducated stupid bunch of clueless twats who would struggle to solve a simple maths problem with all their combined intellects and would do us all a favour and improve the quality of the gene pool by either committing suicide or getting in a massive gang fight where they all kill each other.
Proof?
London has more banks and top range shops than most city's in the world.
And what do they loot?
Cornershops, Poundland and Lidl...........I rest my my case...........fuckwits.
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With a slag for a mother, an absent father, severe mental illness and years of being bullied, I can't help but feel that one day Harvey Price will win the XFactor.
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Teach a man how to fish, and through hard work and perseverance, he could eat for a lifetime.
But teach a man how to use the internet so he can order fish online, and he'll probably end up watching porn.
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You know that you are lonely when you pause for a moment while picking up the soap in the shower.
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I don't like to think of it as "Fuck Off."
I like to think of it as telling them to "Go Away" In a British accent.
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BBC News- 'Breivik returns to crime island'
With a name like that those Norwegians were asking for trouble.
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BBC News: Amy Winehouse's London home to become a rehab facility.
A bit like taking Joseph Fritzl's house and converting it into a Child Daycare centre.
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I was in a club last night when a woman came over to me and said, "You're married aren't you?"
I said, "Yeah, was it the ring that gave it away?"
She said, "No, you just look fucking miserable."
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A fat girl came up to me in a club and asked me to dance.
I said, "Sorry love, I prefer skinny girls"
She said, "You bastard, I have feelings you know?"
"Yeah, I know love, shame it's hunger."
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Whats black, smells, covers most of London, begins with an N and doesn't work?
The Northern Line................Racist.
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If your name is Andre, don't sign your name with a kiss.
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"Do you want the good news or the bad news first?" said the doctor.
"Give me the good news." I replied.
"You're going to have a disease named after you."
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Jedward revealed that they have lived sex free lives.
Sorry, but your two year stint as altar boys says otherwise.
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Drinkypoos
Something girls think is a cute way of saying drinking.
Drinkypoos
What men get after 6 pints of Guinness
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My mate, "I had pity sex last night.'
"Why was it pity sex?" I asked.
"I was on my own."
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I was told by a company the job was mine if I just send in a resume.
Now they've told me I'm not wanted.
What really pisses me off is that it took me ages to get that fucking button off the remote.
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I bought my wife a gas mask for her birthday the other day
it's fucking great when she puts it on to have sex.
There are three distinctive advantages.
She looks better, I can't smell her bad breath and when I block off
the air inlet,she moves her hips like an 18 year old.
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I was waiting at the bus stop the other day, but gave up in the end.
Every time I approached someone to ask if they would like to see a menu they just looked at me like I was insane.
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I love the condom vending machines that you get in Newcastle. You can get a packet of three flavoured condoms for a quid and they always stock the most popular local choices.
Lambrini, Greggs Meat & Potato Pasty and Cock.
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I'm quite new to the traditions of the royal family, but am I right in thinking that it's Prince Charles that gets to order Kate Middleton's death?
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I broke down in tears of joy as all 6 of my lottery numbers were read out.
"Can you just confirm these are the ones you want printed you weird bastard," replied the shopkeeper.
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It's my ex's birthday today so I went out last week and deliberately got her a present that I knew she'd hate.
True to form she opened it, took one look and said, "What the fuck would I want with an xbox? I'm going to take this back to the shop and ask for a refund."
I can't wait to see her little face when she gets arrested for looting.
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England have become the number one cricketing team in the world. We sure showed those 8 other teams.