The gossip mags are reporting Rihanna has broken up with Chris Brown after she caught him cheating with a waitress.
A source close to the couple says Rihanna knew something was up when Brown came home with another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
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Iain Duncan Smith has claimed he would easily survive had he been running in the Boston marathon.
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I just bought a 3D Printer.
Anyone else want one?
I'll print you one out.
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I'm learning to play the piano.
I must be improving because the neighbours have smashed all my windows just so they can hear me better.
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Note to self.
'Shamrock' is a three leaf clover not an Irish music festival.
Waste of fucking money that was.
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Entertainment News: Simon Cowell reveals he would like children.
He's been hanging around Louis Walsh too long.
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BBC News: A runner has collapsed and died at the Brighton marathon.
Locals at the scene tried to help, but a Policeman, Sailor, Builder and even a Red Indian failed to save him.
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I agree with Justin Bieber, Anne Frank would have loved his music.
It's perfect for being played really quietly so no one can hear it.
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Most men dream of having a girlfriend who is bisexual.
I'd settle for once.
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I tried a new restaurant last night.
It was terrible.
There was so much oil on the plate that the Americans tried to invade it.
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BBC News: Eleven meerkats are killed in a fire at a West Lothian zoo.
Can we assume that they were well insured?
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"That is him." I said to my wife in the shopping centre. "That's Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in Star Wars."
"Are you sure?" she asked. "It doesn't look like him, go on over and ask."
A couple of minutes later I walked back over to her. "Well, what did he say?"
"Nothing. It's a rubbish bin."
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As I watched my newborn daughter sucking hungrily on her bottle, I had a great idea.
Turns out that she doesn't have the lung capacity for syphoning petrol.
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Whenever my Dad wanted me to keep a secret he used to do that zip thing across his lips.
Thinking back, it was strange that he was always wearing a gimp mask.
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Justin Bieber said to be just devastated to hear the news on the Boston marathon but hopes that everyone involved are fans.
Bitches aside, 99 problems is still a lot of problems.
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Arsenal F.C have been hit with a massive bill from the government.
Their trophy room is being counted as a spare room that they never use.
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I've just watched that programme ' hardest place to be a fisherman' on BBC 2, and was quite amazed that it wasn't set in the middle of a desert.
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The earth is rotating at over 1000 miles per hour, however humans don't feel the effect of it.
Until the ninth or tenth pint.
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After Sunday's events in Boston, there is to be a 30 second silence before the London marathon.
To listen for ticking.
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Women wake up yawning and men with an erection.
Coincidence?
I think not.
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My boss asked me to find him a bulldog clip today.
So I emailed him a YouTube video of one riding a skateboard.
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I told the barmaid in my local pub that our town has the highest rate of stalkings in the whole of the UK.
She didn't believe me, so I mentioned it to her again while she was on the bus going home.
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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
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If you close your eyes and rub a Kiwi fruit in one hand and rub one of your testicles in the other, it's difficult to tell the difference.
It also gets you banned from Asda.
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I'd had a rock hard boner threatening to burst through my jeans all day today. No matter what or who I thought of, it just didn't want to ease.
I was well aware that a prolonged erection can be dangerous, so went straight to the doctors' after work.
I explained my predicament to him and staring up at the ceiling embarrassed, dropped my trousers.
"When did you last masturbate?" He asked.
"Err.. this morning, actually doctor." I mumbled.
"I had a quick one just before work."
"Well there's your problem." He told me.
"You've still got your sock on."
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Twinkle twinkle little whore,
you're at school, not Jersey Shore.
You're a slutty orange mess, please go find a LONGER DRESS.
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You can always tell who the head nurse is. She's the one with the dirty knees.
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Thatcher's funeral procession was the fastest I have ever seen traffic move in London.
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The creator of Winnie The Pooh, A A Milne, couldn't have been a very well respected author.
Otherwise he'd be known as THE A Milne.
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In the days since the Boston bombing the FBI, CIA and all other government agencies have tirelessly poured through all the evidence spending thousands of man hours to determine who planted the bombs, and they have come to the conclusion - Qatar has lots of oil, so that is where the bombers came from.
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The best bit of advice my Dad gave me was, "Son... never trust women. Especially the ones with cocks."