So British Gas prices to rise by 9%
They must think we've got money to burn.
Which, ironically, is now the cheapest way to heat your house.
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I forgot to take my smartphone with me to the toilet when I needed a shit today.
It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.
I had to read the back of a shampoo bottle for the next twenty minutes.
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Scottish independance, that's a laugh.
Most Scots I know are dependent on something or other.
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My doctor says the key to a healthy brain is regular mental exercise.
So every morning I do some star jumps with a guinea pig sellotaped to my nut sack.
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I hate game requests on Facebook.
They're the online version of Jehovah's witnesses.
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My Gran has just been given 2-3 months to live.
She's just had the letter about the 8% gas increase.
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Australia is constantly advertising for 'skilled migrants'.
How much more skilled could you be than an Indonesian who manages to navigate a tin bath three thousand miles?
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Kate McCann: "We're not the ones who have done something wrong here."
Sorry Kate but when Josef Fritzl can look after his kids better than you can, you shouldn't make those claims.
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America was not shut down properly.
Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)
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I think I may have a shower.
Just checked, yes I do, it's upstairs.
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In case the country gets invaded and I have to quickly hide, I have a big pop art painting on my wall that hides a secret panic room.
I call it my handy war hole.
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A major hurricane is about to hit India, so if anyone needs to call their bank or cable/internet company, do it soon.
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I always greet every stranger I meet with a "Happy Birthday!"
I get an awful lot of blank stares, but it's worth it for the occasional, "How the fuck did you know?"
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Your neck tattoo says 'Only God may judge me', but here I am thinking you're a complete twat.
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I took a job aptitude test and it didn't make for pleasant reading,
Appearently, I've no people or practical skills and am unable to use logic or reasoning.
It recommended that I become an internet moderator.
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My mate says the best way to measure your penis is with a straw.
He was right. Mine fits perfectly.
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Today is national "no bra day"
Or, if you're a chav, Friday.
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I went to the doctor because my foot had been hurting for a while.
"I have some good news and some bad news."
"Well come on what is it?"
"The good news is your foot is fine."
"What about the bad news?"
"The x-ray also showed that there is a scary skeleton man living inside you."
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I bet if Madeline McCann had been doing 33mph in a 30 zone the police would have found her.
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I love Halloween.
The cobwebs in my house look like decorations.
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BBC News: Miranda Hart is offering a reward for the safe return of her stolen laptop as it contains, "Precious creative projects."
Can we all chip in £1 to give to the guy on the condition he throws it in a lake?
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I bought my daughter a pet rabbit to give her a lesson in responsibility.
When she couldn't be arsed cleaning its hutch, I reported her to the RSPCA.
Being a gent, I always look away when a woman undresses in my presence.
So it was a complete waste of money going to a strip club.
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I have just been given one of them Scottish notes on my bus.
It said, 'Give me your fucking money or I will stab you'.
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It appears that "Disabled" parking bays should now also have a picture of a fat lazy twat whose thighs rub together.
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Tupperware is really useful for those days when you feel like throwing your food away another day.
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I told a hoodie to 'fuck off' today.
And then I called a pair of jeans a turd.
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Being fat has its advantages too.
For example, you don't have to bother about the gap between the train and the platform.
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I don`t know who said that every woman wants to get married.
I`ve asked loads and they`ve all said no.
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I just got back from The Amazon.
What a disappointment, I didn't find book shop anywhere.
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Did you know you could save hundreds on your car insurance by just putting it in reverse and leaving the scene?
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A six-foot five skinhead was giving me evils in the pub.
I said, "Keep looking at me like that and you'll be spending the night in A&E."
He said, "I'd like to see you fucking try!"
So I stabbed his wife.
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My boss called me into his office today.
He said, "I've caught you sleeping on the job every day for the past year. You know what that means, don't you?"
"Yes, my attendance is fucking awesome."
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Fuck you British Gas, I've just bought a McDonalds apple pie which has heated the whole house for the last 3 days.
We've even opened a few windows it's so hot.
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The first to apologize is the bravest.
The first to forgive is the strongest
The first to crack open a beer and say, "Fuck it." is the smartest.
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For the first time in hundreds of years the life expectancy in the UK has decreased.
Well done British Gas.
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I spent some of the money from the National Lottery on a sports car I'd always wanted.
Everyone else on the Village Hall Restoration Committee was livid.
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I have just watched that film 'Man of steel', and with the amount of skyscrapers that get destroyed I can only conclude that Superman is a terrorist.
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Is it a coincidence that after Ed Miliband announces a freeze on energy prices if he gets in energy companies immediately start announcing massive price hikes?
Perhaps he should have announced a freeze on pay rises.
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I've got a Camilla doll.
It used to be a Diana doll but I left it next to the fire.
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My ex-wife and I were always playing practical jokes on each other.
Like the time she fucked my mate and moved to France.
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BBC News: US Senate Republican and Democratic leaders have thrashed out a last-minute deal to reopen the government and raise the nation's debt limit.
In other news, shares in Wonga.com have quadrupled in value.
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My dog's really smart.
He's the only one in the park that brings a tennis racket with him.
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Scientists have found that eating bacon can reduce a man's chances of getting women pregnant.
They also found that wearing Crocs reduce the chances to zero.