Me: Took my dog to the vets today and was told he had to have an operation on his stomach or he would have to be put to sleep. It was an easy decision at first but now I feel guilty. All he does now is just lie there with his cone and cast on, and just stares as if trying to say.....Kill me.
Dog: Why is everything as loud as fuck!
=====
Ok, so my bread has got no dairy in it.
Its got no gluten in it.
Its also wheat free.
Forgive me, but shouldnt it be fucking cheaper than normal bread then!?
=====
Sex has gone downhill, so I bought the wife an orange dildo.
She said it looks like a giant carrot.
Which is ironic as her fanny looks like a donkey yawning.
=====
There is no "i" in "team."
But there's an "i" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team."
So there.
=====
I just saw a message in my alphabet soup. It says OOOOOO.
Oh, wait..........I,m eating Cheerios.
=====
I don't see what the big deal about 'I'm a celebrity' is.
If I wanted to watch disoriented arseholes that think they're special arguing over pointless things and eating disgusting animal parts I'd go to a kebab shop on a Saturday night.
=====
Why did the postman cross the road?
To deliver my post to the wrong house. Again. Twat.
=====
I've spent years training to ensure when that I go on Big Brother I can withstand the mental hardships. I'm nearly there, I can now go 9 days without masturbating.
=====
Went to see a fortune teller earlier, as she gazed into the crystal ball she said "You'll never have any more children".
Then the fucking thing rolled off the table and crushed my bollocks.
=====
I think the worst part about making your own porno is when the couple hear you in the cupboard.
=====
As I was spraying 'FUCK THE POLICE' on a wall, I heard a voice behind me.
"Hello! Hello! Hello! Advising the populace to sexually liaise with Her Majesty's Constabulary, are we Sir?"
I thought an exclamation mark after the word 'FUCK' was appropriate at that point.
=====
My girlfriend is from such a wellmto do family that when we have sex she doesn't come she arrives.
=====
For years I thought my wife had Tourettes.
Turns out she really did want me to fuck off.
=====
Laptops - go on your lap.
Desktops - go on your desk.
Notebooks - what the fuck.
=====
The Blatter paradox:
John Terry was filmed shaking hands with Anton Ferdinand after the Chelsea v QPR game.
Now does that mean Terry is automatically forgiven or because Blatter doesn't believe in video evidence, is that inadmissable?
=====
I went for a job interview yesterday and the man asked me "On a scale of 1-10, how mature are you?"
"69".
=====
On the 1st day of christmas my true love gave 2 me, a bottle of malt whisky.
On the 4th day of christmas my true love said 2 me, "Where the fuck have you been for the last 3 days?"
=====
Man City have finally tracked down Carlos Tevez.
He's hiding in the Australian jungle.
Going under the name of Fatima.
=====
I've just realised that we call the record of our past history for reason.
Herstory would just be mindless gossip.
=====
My girlfriend's dad is so posh.
He calls Roger Daltrey's band The Whom.
=====
Which country was once run by napkins?
The Serviette Union.
=====
I think my daughter is fascinated by Asian culture. We always make sure she has clean white sheets to sleep on but once a month she has a Japanese flag on her mattress.
=====
I've just bought some of that 007 Viagra.
It makes you Roger More.
=====
Thought I'd give donating sperm ago the other day.
It turns out Oxfam arent as grateful for your help as they like to make out.
Dog: Why is everything as loud as fuck!
=====
Ok, so my bread has got no dairy in it.
Its got no gluten in it.
Its also wheat free.
Forgive me, but shouldnt it be fucking cheaper than normal bread then!?
=====
Sex has gone downhill, so I bought the wife an orange dildo.
She said it looks like a giant carrot.
Which is ironic as her fanny looks like a donkey yawning.
=====
There is no "i" in "team."
But there's an "i" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team."
So there.
=====
I just saw a message in my alphabet soup. It says OOOOOO.
Oh, wait..........I,m eating Cheerios.
=====
I don't see what the big deal about 'I'm a celebrity' is.
If I wanted to watch disoriented arseholes that think they're special arguing over pointless things and eating disgusting animal parts I'd go to a kebab shop on a Saturday night.
=====
Why did the postman cross the road?
To deliver my post to the wrong house. Again. Twat.
=====
I've spent years training to ensure when that I go on Big Brother I can withstand the mental hardships. I'm nearly there, I can now go 9 days without masturbating.
=====
Went to see a fortune teller earlier, as she gazed into the crystal ball she said "You'll never have any more children".
Then the fucking thing rolled off the table and crushed my bollocks.
=====
I think the worst part about making your own porno is when the couple hear you in the cupboard.
=====
As I was spraying 'FUCK THE POLICE' on a wall, I heard a voice behind me.
"Hello! Hello! Hello! Advising the populace to sexually liaise with Her Majesty's Constabulary, are we Sir?"
I thought an exclamation mark after the word 'FUCK' was appropriate at that point.
=====
My girlfriend is from such a wellmto do family that when we have sex she doesn't come she arrives.
=====
For years I thought my wife had Tourettes.
Turns out she really did want me to fuck off.
=====
Laptops - go on your lap.
Desktops - go on your desk.
Notebooks - what the fuck.
=====
The Blatter paradox:
John Terry was filmed shaking hands with Anton Ferdinand after the Chelsea v QPR game.
Now does that mean Terry is automatically forgiven or because Blatter doesn't believe in video evidence, is that inadmissable?
=====
I went for a job interview yesterday and the man asked me "On a scale of 1-10, how mature are you?"
"69".
=====
On the 1st day of christmas my true love gave 2 me, a bottle of malt whisky.
On the 4th day of christmas my true love said 2 me, "Where the fuck have you been for the last 3 days?"
=====
Man City have finally tracked down Carlos Tevez.
He's hiding in the Australian jungle.
Going under the name of Fatima.
=====
I've just realised that we call the record of our past history for reason.
Herstory would just be mindless gossip.
=====
My girlfriend's dad is so posh.
He calls Roger Daltrey's band The Whom.
=====
Which country was once run by napkins?
The Serviette Union.
=====
I think my daughter is fascinated by Asian culture. We always make sure she has clean white sheets to sleep on but once a month she has a Japanese flag on her mattress.
=====
I've just bought some of that 007 Viagra.
It makes you Roger More.
=====
Thought I'd give donating sperm ago the other day.
It turns out Oxfam arent as grateful for your help as they like to make out.
My little boy came home crying the other day. When I asked him what had happened he told me all of his friends were playing dinosaurs and wouldn't let him play.
So I dressed up as a meteorite and he killed them all.
=====
Whenever my wife has anything to drink she has a tendency to take all of her clothes off.
Which makes going to Starbucks a little awkward.
=====
How come people are always getting in the paper for finding Jesus's face on slices of toast, etc?
I've got a scrotum that looks just like Cliff Richard's throat, but they never print the pictures I keep sending them.
=====
My girlfriend came into the room all excited and said, "My friend said she saw you going into the jewellers and the florists yesterday! What are you planning?"
"Well I was planning to have a shit but none of those shops let me use their toilet."
=====
If reality TV has taught us anything over the years..........I'd be fucking amazed.
=====
I suffer from paranoid amnesia. I can't remember who I don't trust.
=====
I managed to get a girl back to mine last night.
As we got undressed, I said, "I'm really nervous you know. I've not had sex since school."
"Wow," she said, smiling. "Really? Well don't worry honey, nothing's changed since then."
"Ok." I said, "So your penis still goes in my bottom, yeah?"
=====
I was walking around a shop when the salesman came over.
"Good afternoon sir, what are you looking for?" he said.
"Because if I don't, I bump into things."
=====
These Jacob's Crackers are rubbish, no bang, no jokes and where's the party hat?
=====
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.
=====
My next door neighbour told me to stop following her around everywhere or she'd call the Police.
"You wouldn't do that, would you?" I asked.
"Watch me," she replied.
"No. You said you'd call the Police."
=====
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.
I don't care how big a spider is, nothing steals my fucking shoe.
=====
My wife said last night, "Do you realise my mother is coming over for dinner in 5 minutes?"
I replied, "Yes I know, I'm getting ready now"
"That sounds like her car pulling up outside"
"No, that's my taxi, see you later"
=====
If two psychics read each other's minds, do they read their own minds?
=====
For sale: One dog lead, one dog basket and some doggy toys.
Contact Chesney, 6, Coronation Street.
=====
If my surname was Pepper, I'd make it my lifelong ambition to become a Sultan.
=====
Safe to say we're fucked, if the ony way really is Essex.
=====
Surface to air missiles to be deployed during the London Olympics", guess thats the gold medal in the Clay Pigeon Shooting sorted.
=====
There were emotional scenes at Joe Frazier's funeral, as famous faces and organisations from the world of boxing gathered to pay their respects.
Everyone that is, except the WBO, who didn't recognise the event and will hold their own funeral.
=====
Girls love a guy who can make them laugh.
How lucky I am to be blessed with such a small penis.
=====
Very.co.uk: More gifts than 'you know who'.
Not surprising really, Voldemort doesn't seem the Christmas type.
=====
Driving home, I noticed I had a police car right up my arse.
Must have a word with my nephew about leaving his toys lying around everywhere
=====
I love my six-pack.
It's no wonder I protect it with a thick layer of fat.
=====
The elevators at work are broken and I work on the 17th floor.
Pretty sure I'm the first person ever to use the phone in reception to call in sick.
=====
HD porn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.
=====
I came home to find the bedroom window smashed and my wife sitting on the bed sobbing.
"I'm so sorry" she said "I wanted to try that thing where you stick a ping pong ball in your fanny and then fire it out"
"Fuck me" I said looking at the glass everywhere "I didn't realise your pelvic muscles were that strong"
"Neither did I" she sobbed "and I promise I'll buy you a new bowling ball"
=====
I was stopped by a policeman the other day.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," I replied
He said, "There is no traffic."
"That's how far behind I am."
So I dressed up as a meteorite and he killed them all.
=====
Whenever my wife has anything to drink she has a tendency to take all of her clothes off.
Which makes going to Starbucks a little awkward.
=====
How come people are always getting in the paper for finding Jesus's face on slices of toast, etc?
I've got a scrotum that looks just like Cliff Richard's throat, but they never print the pictures I keep sending them.
=====
My girlfriend came into the room all excited and said, "My friend said she saw you going into the jewellers and the florists yesterday! What are you planning?"
"Well I was planning to have a shit but none of those shops let me use their toilet."
=====
If reality TV has taught us anything over the years..........I'd be fucking amazed.
=====
I suffer from paranoid amnesia. I can't remember who I don't trust.
=====
I managed to get a girl back to mine last night.
As we got undressed, I said, "I'm really nervous you know. I've not had sex since school."
"Wow," she said, smiling. "Really? Well don't worry honey, nothing's changed since then."
"Ok." I said, "So your penis still goes in my bottom, yeah?"
=====
I was walking around a shop when the salesman came over.
"Good afternoon sir, what are you looking for?" he said.
"Because if I don't, I bump into things."
=====
These Jacob's Crackers are rubbish, no bang, no jokes and where's the party hat?
=====
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.
=====
My next door neighbour told me to stop following her around everywhere or she'd call the Police.
"You wouldn't do that, would you?" I asked.
"Watch me," she replied.
"No. You said you'd call the Police."
=====
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.
I don't care how big a spider is, nothing steals my fucking shoe.
=====
My wife said last night, "Do you realise my mother is coming over for dinner in 5 minutes?"
I replied, "Yes I know, I'm getting ready now"
"That sounds like her car pulling up outside"
"No, that's my taxi, see you later"
=====
If two psychics read each other's minds, do they read their own minds?
=====
For sale: One dog lead, one dog basket and some doggy toys.
Contact Chesney, 6, Coronation Street.
=====
If my surname was Pepper, I'd make it my lifelong ambition to become a Sultan.
=====
Safe to say we're fucked, if the ony way really is Essex.
=====
Surface to air missiles to be deployed during the London Olympics", guess thats the gold medal in the Clay Pigeon Shooting sorted.
=====
There were emotional scenes at Joe Frazier's funeral, as famous faces and organisations from the world of boxing gathered to pay their respects.
Everyone that is, except the WBO, who didn't recognise the event and will hold their own funeral.
=====
Girls love a guy who can make them laugh.
How lucky I am to be blessed with such a small penis.
=====
Very.co.uk: More gifts than 'you know who'.
Not surprising really, Voldemort doesn't seem the Christmas type.
=====
Driving home, I noticed I had a police car right up my arse.
Must have a word with my nephew about leaving his toys lying around everywhere
=====
I love my six-pack.
It's no wonder I protect it with a thick layer of fat.
=====
The elevators at work are broken and I work on the 17th floor.
Pretty sure I'm the first person ever to use the phone in reception to call in sick.
=====
HD porn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.
=====
I came home to find the bedroom window smashed and my wife sitting on the bed sobbing.
"I'm so sorry" she said "I wanted to try that thing where you stick a ping pong ball in your fanny and then fire it out"
"Fuck me" I said looking at the glass everywhere "I didn't realise your pelvic muscles were that strong"
"Neither did I" she sobbed "and I promise I'll buy you a new bowling ball"
=====
I was stopped by a policeman the other day.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," I replied
He said, "There is no traffic."
"That's how far behind I am."