My wife is so passionate about music that she always sings with her eyes closed.
So I brought her a car stereo.
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Carlos Tevez is in hot water again.
Which is ironic as his face looks like a used tea bag.
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Statistically, you have more chance of dying on the way to buy your lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery.
Which is why I also go to the bookies and bet that I'll die before getting my ticket.
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I kept getting messages from this girl I'm playing 'Draw Something' with, asking, "How old are you?"
In the end I said, "I'm 45, why?"
She replied, "Well start acting like it, and stop drawing a picture of a cock every fucking turn."
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I've just eaten a Minstrel.
Getting the guitar down was the hard part.
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BBC News: "The lead singer from LMFAO has been rushed to a local hospital".
Undoubtedly to have his Fucking Ass reattached
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I suffer from severe premature ejaculation.
So bad in fact, I'm actually my own father.
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Micah Richards has come out and said that he turned down the opportunity to be in the England squad after a worrying phone call from Roy Hodgson who told him that he "Wanked much better than my other choice of white backs"
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They say sperm reduces the effects of aging.
If that's true then Peter Pan must be such a slut.
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They are almost finished building the skyscraper called "Freedom Tower" that replaces the twin trade centres.
Al Qaeda are calling it, "Level 2".
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If you need to know how to put a cork back in a champagne bottle..
Just ask an Man United fan
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My wife was wearing a nun's outfit to a friend's hen night.
"Perhaps you could keep the outfit for tomorrow night," I suggested with a wink.
"Does this turn you on?" she asked playfully.
"No, but there's a Robbie Coltrane lookalike competition on."
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I was out last night and this guy said to me, "If you look at my missus again I'll blow you through the wall."
"No, thank you, I'm not into glory holes."
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You can find everything to know about DJs on wiki-wiki-wikipedia.
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"I can't believe it, I was only one second away from catching my train and the doors just shut in my face", I said, trying to start a conversation with the woman next to me.
She wasn't interested though.
She just kept screaming things like "who are you?" and "get out of my car!"
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I started to charge my phone earlier.
Until my wife said, "Take that kids plastic Viking helmet off your head and STOP pretending you're a bull."
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I had a fight with a piece of wood yesterday.
I decked it.
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I was walking in Manchester centre earlier and saw a man crying.
"Cheer up mate!" I said. "What's all the tears, are you that happy City won the title?"
"No, fuck off!" he replied sternly.
"So you're crying because United lost the title?"
"No, just fuck off!"
"So why are you crying?" I asked.
"Cos I've got to live in this shithole."
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My wife took my surname when we got married...
So now I'm just known as Dave.
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"George, my sisters handwriting is very bad in this letter darling, is that an 'o' or an 'i'?"
"It's the letter 'o' dear"
"Oh my God my brother's shot himself"
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BBC News: David Cameron is planning to spend £1.4m on binge drinking by the end of 2012.
Not exactly setting a great example there, David.
I was watching Match of the Day and it looked like Carlos Tevez took a severe elbow to the face.
Then Joey Barton elbowed him in the face.
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Struggling to get your lizard up in the morning?
You may have a reptile dysfunction.
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Gary Lineker: "Vincent, what was the most important thing to help City win the league this season?"
Vincent Kompany: "Money. Shit loads of money."
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Me "can you bring me a bottle of Cheval Blanc 2005, a Haut Brion 2003 and a Lafite Rothschild 1998"
Wine waiter "Exquisite choice sir"
"Oh and can you mix them up in a big jug with a straw?"
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Honk if you love Jesus!
Text while driving if you want to meet him.
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I can't help but the feel that the show "America's Got Talent " should have a question mark at the end of it.
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Premature ejaculation is no laughing matter.
Unless you're a woman.
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Alex Ferguson: "Manchester United have had the worst season in their entire history with regard to injuries."
I disagree, I think it's 1958.
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Theres a new reality show starting next week starring The Ewoks from Star Wars..
EastEndors.
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BBC News: Researchers find caveman pornography in France..
Apparently they've called it, 2 Girls, 1 Club.
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Oh my God, they sacked Kenny!
You Bastards!
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My Mum's always told me, "You need to start planning ahead. You are too short sighted, for fucks sake think of the future!!"
So I finally took her advice.
I've decided I'm gonna be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with twinkies and confetti so a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
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The guy who invented "Take Your Child To Work Day" probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Well played dude, well Played.
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Players selected for the Euros can't compete in the Olympics.
I guess that rules out Andy Carroll for Show Jumping then.
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The Church of England are thinking of opening it's own string of supermarkets.
Jesus Christ Superstores.
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Internet Porn: Hundreds of sites, Thousands of 'actors', Tens of Thousands of videos, One script.
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I called one of my employees into my office for a review. I told him that I was quite satisfied about his work, and said to him: 'what about a pay raise between eight and nine hundred quid?'
'Wow', he said, that would be great'
'8 quid it is then'
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Jersey Shore has already branched out to Newcastle and next year they're starting a new series in Dublin.
"To Be Shore"
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TV psychic Derek Acorah has come out and said that Madeline McCann is already dead.
You weren't on holiday in Portugal 5 years ago by any chance, were you Derek?
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I love going to book stores and saying, "Hello, I'm looking for a book entitled 'How to deal with rejection without killing'.
...Do you have it?"
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How does Wolverine get through airport security?
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I'm not saying I'm lazy, but, I want a job at the North Korean Passport Application Centre.
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I've decided that instead of having a birthday I'm going to level up.
That way I don't get older I just get more powerful.
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After I've finished masturbating, I like to sit on my hand for a while so it feels like someone else makes me a sandwich.
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Michael Owen say's he won't retire after being released by Manchester United.
He also said he's still undecided on which club he'll be injured for next season.
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My wife said she was concerned about our son always trying to climb the tree in our garden and asked me to pull him up on it after school.
Now we're both stuck up here and I don't know what to do.
- Sent from my iPhone
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I watched a really boring documentary on how to build a time machine last night.
That was an hour I'll probably get back.
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I was never a great Donna Summer fan but it's always very sad to hear of a singer passing away that isn't Cliff Richard.
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Condom machines must have been invented by women.
Three in a pack? I only need one...........and a cigarette.
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I must be a realy good photographer.
All of my friends ask me to take the group photos.