BBC News: Microsoft to axe 18,000 jobs.
Can't they just let the employees run in the background?
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If it wasn't for the war we'd all be speaking German, I pondered as I loaded my Lidl shopping bags into my Audi.
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Sad to hear about the Malaysian airline crash yesterday.
Anyone else wondered if this was MH370 and it finally ran out of fuel?
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BBC News: Scotland is to be the home for the new "UK Spaceport".
Handy.
Now Alex Salmond and the SNP can travel quickly between Earth and the other planet they clearly live on.
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Just found out I failed my biology exam.
I'm not happy but I'll just have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my mouth.
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It's a nightmare asking my cheerleader girlfriend for oral sex.
"Give us a B. Give us an L. Give us an O...."
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To the people at Jack Daniel's.
Why isn't there a flaccid penis on your warning label?
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I'm not sure how many problems I have because maths is one of them.
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BBC News: North Korea say they have nuclear weaponry.
Or as we call it in the west, a party popper.
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If people are so amazed by crop circles, they should see the farm near my house. Aliens have somehow managed to cut down all the crops, roll them into enormous cylinder shapes, and stack them by the side of the field.
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Getting married after a 3 month whirlwind romance isn't really something to sing about.
Luckily for Cheryl she can't, so no harm done.
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Apparently 1 in 50 priests are paedophiles, the other 49 left to work at the BBC.
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Cesar Milan said;"In the 1970s they blamed the Dobermans. In the 1980s they blamed the German Shepherds. In the 90s they blamed the Rottweilers. Now they blame the Pit Bulls. When will they blame the humans?"
2014 - Luis Suarez.
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What happens if you mix diet coke with milk and boil the mixture for 15 minutes?
Your mum tells you to get the fuck out of the kitchen.
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Ian Thorpe is just like a bottle of Tomato Ketchup.
Takes a lot of hard bottom banging before coming out.
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I'm never sgoing out with a female referee again.
First she booked me for backchatting and then red carded me for my awful tackle.
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I've spent the past couple of weeks getting ripped down the gym.
"Fuck off fatty!" tends to be their put down of choice.
BBC News: Scotland is to get its own high level Internet domain name.
.whothefuckareyelookinat sites go live next week.
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How do you make a Mexican wrap?
Give him a beat.
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Me and my brother have our first single out soon entitled "I Would Walk A Couple Of Miles For You"
We call ourselves the Amateur Claimers
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Pope Francis: 2% of priests are paedophiles.
A deluded, conservative figure from a deluded conservative figure.
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I must have dreamt about bacon last night, because this morning I woke up with a massive lardon.
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I honestly didn't think I'd do so much damage, just inserting a cucumber into myself.
But the paramedic just told me that I'll be lucky not to lose my urethra.
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Who has the squarest face in Germany?
Angular Merkel.
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It wasn't the candles on the cake that made me feel old.
It was listening to Radio 2 and realising that it finally made sense.
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I used to really love Rolf Harris when I was a kid.
Now I see he was just using me.
Cheating bastard.
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I called the child abuse helpline today.
"What seems to be the problem?" they asked.
"My 4-year-old son just punched me in the face."
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Anyone else think that Pistorius sounds like something Harry Potter would say to make your legs fall off?
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Just watched a remake of Back to the Future, where everyone respected the traffic code and stuck to the speed limits.
It was shit.
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Customer: "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it."
"Those are pickled onions sir."
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Just watched Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.
Preferred her in The Vicar of Dibley, if I'm being honest.
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St Swithins Day has come and gone and I didn't have sex.
Folklore dictates that means I won't get sex for the next 364 days.
I always find this bit of folklore to be a lot more accurate than the one about rain.
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Just spent all night adding names and addresses into my contacts and now I can't fucking see.
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Confucius say: Man who ignore subject-verb agreement rule sound like wise Chinese philosopher.
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Last weekend, a blman in London was kicked out of a Gary Barlow concert because he looked too much like Gary Barlow.
I wasn't surprised, my Nan once got kicked out of an Aerosmith concert for looking too much like Steven Tyler.
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After the crashes of MH370 and MH17, I am beginning to think the MH stands for Mystery Heightens.
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Climate change: Is it real, or has God just put the Earth on shuffle?