BBC News: Horse meat found in Tesco burgers.
Camel toe found in Primark leggings.
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Apparently, Lincoln will be in theatres soon.
You'd think he'd have learned his lesson the last time.
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The BBC have just commissioned a new series about the life of Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe.
Ho's under the hammer will start in early spring.
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Apparently the Met Office have issued a red snow warning.
If that's anything like what I've heard about yellow snow then I'm staying inside.
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Tesco's veggie burgers are being tested for traces of uniquorn.
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I can't wait to see Armstrong's confession, it's about time he admitted America never made it to the moon.
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It was freezing when I took my dog out this morning.
I had to snap him off the lampost.
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"Palestine model shot dead in Israel"
I hope it was Wallace, I really like Gromit.
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I think someone may be sending me death threats.
Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.
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I just passed a man who has parked his car in a ditch by the side of the road.
I don't know how he can sleep with that horn blaring, though.
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So long HMV, you will be missed.
DVDRIP.
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Sky News: Photos surfaced of Justin Bieber smoking weed.
Fans of Justin Bieber are shocked.
Fans of Marijuana are embarrassed.
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A stranger phoned me up last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my penis.
Fucking weirdos.
Bastard never showed up.
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A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'
The cow replies: 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'
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Just read that Trevor Moore, the CEO of HMV, used to be the CEO of Jessops.
I'm guesing that before that he was safety officer on the Titanic.
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How many members of the BBC does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they prefer things to be left in the dark.
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On my mate's first day in prison, two big guys said they're going to come by his cell later tonight and knock his back doors in.
What nice chaps going to all that trouble, helping him escape.
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What's black and wrinkly on the outside, but cute and cuddly on the inside?
A bin liner full of kittens.
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"You're all going to burn in hell." a religious zealot pointed out to me. on my way to work today.
"Don't be an idiot, Bern is in Switzerland." I replied.
My doctor told me I should watch what I eat.
So I've booked tickets for the Grand National in April.
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As I was flipping between the channels today, I noticed a common theme.
The main headline on Sky News was: "Savile abuses kids on BBC premises".
The main headline on ITN News was: "Savile gropes underage women live on BBC television".
Whilst the BBC ran with: "Look at what's going on Syria! Look! Over that way!"
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I thought I was watching porn on my new 3D T.V. earlier.
Turns out my wife was fucking the plumber.
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"Float like an octopus, sting like a clock."
- Muhammad Dali
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I surprised myself last night.
I had to.
Everyone had forgotten it was my birthday.
Again.
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I was speaking to my Grandad last night and he was worried that his date would find out that he had Parkinson's disease.
So I suggested he sat there holding a snow globe.
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After I lost the house, I slipped into a deep, dark depression and attempted suicide on several occasions.
Apparently, I take bingo far too seriously.
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My friend said to me "there are no two words in the English language combined that are darker than 'civil war'"
"Twilight marathon" I replied
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I left school at the age of sixteen, without a single qualification to my name, and not having the slightest conception of the workings of the real world. I had little or no grasp of the mysteries of mathematics, the complexities of economics, or the achievements of history. As for science, even the most mentally impoverished troglodyte's knowledge of biology, chemistry and physics would easily have surpassed my own. All I had to fall back on was my verbose and rather patronising manner of speaking, a misguided and embarrassingly outdated understanding of society, and a blind faith in things all somehow working out for the best.
And that's how I became a vicar.
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The human eye can distinguish between ten million different colours.
But can my wife tell the difference between red and green?
Four hundred fucking quid for a new bumper says no.
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Things are getting so bad it won't be long before car boot sales go into administration.
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I took a posh woman back to mine earlier, as she walked into my front room she pointed at some furniture and said:
"Ooh, that's lovely... is it an occasional table?"
"Nah" I said, "it's always a table."
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Last night I bumped into an old mate who I hadn't seen for 30 years.
"Do you have any kids?" he asked.
I said, "Yes, I have a son who is 26 years old and a daughter who is 25."
"How lovely," he smiled, "Are they married?"
"Don't be disgusting, of course not! They're brother and sister, you sick fuck!"
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I got Tesco to take my HMV vouchers.
I just told them HMV means Horse Meat Voucher.
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Apparently the Met Office have issued a red snow warning.
If that's anything like what I've heard about yellow snow then I'm staying inside.
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I said to my nympho girlfriend, "Your fanny's like a bucket."
"That's not very nice," she replied. "What makes you say that?"
"There's a mop in it."
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My mate just said, "My wife's persistent waffling is starting to get on my nerves."
I said, "It's your own fault for marrying a Belgian woman!"
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My mates call me 'Tesco'.
I like to burger horses.
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My mate watched The Ring video and, 7 days later, he died.
Our local video renting shop doesn't fuck about with their late fees.
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I've found it's easier not to try and understand women.
What's the point?
Women understand women and they hate each other.
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Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller...
Fucking hell, do I have to think of everything!