" Knock Knock "
" Who's There ? "
" BANG,BANG,BANG,BANG............. Oscar."
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Thatcher's dead, Fergie's retired and Liverpool are going to win the league.
Somewhere there's a Scouser with a lamp and no wishes left.
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According to reports, 325 of the sunken Korean ships 459 passengers were high school students.
You're always asking for trouble letting that many kids take drugs.
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My son has been diagnosed with what the doctor says is an extremely rare genetic condition.
It can't be that rare though, several of my mate Dave's family have it too.
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If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be a lot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
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Loving my new South African Cluedo game.
You know who did it, where, and the weapon.
You just have to work out why.
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I was impressed by the minutes silence in Liverpool Tuesday for the Hillsborough victims.
Tragic though it is, I was certain they couldn't go that long without mentioning it.
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BBC News: Google to sell Google Glass for $1,500.
Finally ending the myth that people who wear glasses are smart.
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The BBC website describes "Who Do You Think You Are" as: "Series in which celebrities trace their ancestry, discovering secrets and surprises from their past."
I dare you, Prince Harry. I just dare you.
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I think Oscar Pistorius shot Reeva because she was wearing a strap on?
Why else would he say he was yelling "Get the fuck out of my arse!"
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"I heard you had a couple of Americans visiting last night," I said to my neighbour.
"Yes, who told you that?"
"I only live a few houses away."
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There must be some secret side effect to coffee to make you put up with stupid bullshit.
That's the only thing I can think of on why my job doesn't make you pay for it.
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If Oscar Pistorius is holding a cricket bat and he's standing on his stumps, is he out?
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Rewarding Formula One teams for fuel economy is like rewarding sumo wrestlers for eating less.
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I bought myself a push bike to try and keep fit.
It wasn't for me though. Every time I got a bit of speed up, my fag would go out.
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Michael Le Vell let off off child sex offences.
Kevin Webster asks 2 young girls to move in with him.
Coincidence?
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All I keep hearing during the trial is "yes m'lady."
Who's in the dock, Oscar Pistorius or Parker from Thunderbirds?
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There were gasps around the courtroom this week as Oscar Pistorius was asked to read out the valentines cards Reeva had written for him:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please do not shoot,
It's me on the loo.
and
You train so hard,
You're never a quitter,
So as a treat,
You can bang me in the shitter.
Dear Malaysia
I'll see your 237 missing people plane and raise you my 297 missing people ferry!
With love Kim Jong-il
Doing it bigger an better since 1998!
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What do you call a man with no shins?
Toe-knee.
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I've found that eating beetroot for breakfast, lunch and dinner keeps me incredibly fit and healthy.
But only because I walk five miles to the doctors' every day and back, thinking I've got blood in my shit.
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What's the difference between a blocked public toilet and Oscar Pistorious' toilet?
One is out of order and the other is bang bang bang out of order.
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BBC News: The Royal Mail are to release a new series of stamps celebrating the royal family, the first of which features an image of her majesty the queen.
So, like every other stamp then.
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I saw a Scouser wearing a t-shirt saying 'NEVER FORGET THE 96'. So I thought I'd test him.
He only knew three.
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I was thinking of running next years London Marathon but now I reckon I'll just name a charity and drop dead.
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What's black and white and red all over?
The Pistorius bathroom tiles.
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My parents always told me that if I made a silly face and the wind changed, it would stay that way forever.
Which is why I had very little sympathy for stroke victims when I was growing up.
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I was watching Thomas the Tank Engine with the kids earlier and I swear Ringo Star mentioned Hillsborough.
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I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door.
Turns out there was no one there.
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Everyone is always saying how romantic my mate is because even after being with his wife for 12 years, he still holds her hand when they're out in public.
He confided in my that if he's holding it, she can't hit him.
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Man: "On a scale of one to ten, how much do you love me?"
Woman: "I'm still counting the zeroes."
"Wow! That much?"
"Yeah, it's a pretty big decimal."
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BBC News: A Korean ferry has capsized.
Wow! Those countries really do make everything smaller.
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Oscar Pistorius has changed his story so many times, that I'm now waiting for him to admit that he wasn't in South Africa at the time of Reeva's murder.
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I exercise religiously.
Which basically means I go running once a month in a priest costume.
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My little sister is amazing on the Harp.
Fourteen pints and she's not even pissed.
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On a scale of Chris Brown to Oscar Pistorius, how dangerous is your boyfriend?