BBC News: The defence lawyer for Oscar Pistorius says his client has lost everything.
Clearly not his sense of humour if he expects to get probation.
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Everything's a dildo.
It's just a question of bravery.
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Interested to read in the news about the trial of Erol Incedal, accused of plotting a terrorist attack in the UK and who was discovered by police carrying a piece of paper with Tony Blair's address on it. Of course, knowing Tony Blair's address doesn't automatically make you a criminal (although it's probably a reasonable assumption in the case of Tony Blair).
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Religious people are really weird.
They actually have to be told that it's wrong to fuck an animal.
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My friend recently lost his wife to Alzheimers.
He hasn't got a clue where he left her.
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We wrapped my mate's car in cling film on his last day at work.
He was really upset when he left.
Both his dogs were dead.
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Women in space.
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."
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I once won a young lady's heart.
eBay Liberia has some fucked-up stuff on it.
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How many builders does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three, but that's just an estimate and it won't be till the middle of next week, anyway.
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"It's weird that the very first vagina you ever see is your mum's."
I said to Katie Price's kid as we were browsing the internet.
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If you're raising your kids, you should probably stop playing poker.
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BBC News: Kim Jong-un returns to public eye sporting a new cane.
Anyone else think that he should change name to Kim Jong-un-balanced.
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Bollox, Twat, Prick, Arse."
4 very good reasons that Tourette's suffers don't make great anatomy teachers.
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I really hate my job as a mime artist.
I have to paint in black and white all day and the fuckers never stay still.
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BBC News: A lorry as shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in Liverpool, earlier.
Police say the road was closed for at least five minutes.
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I asked for a back, crack and sack wax.
I should have gone for lavender, these candles I made smell horrible.
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How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but it takes twelve visits.
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"What does 'Long story short' mean?"
"I have no idea son,ask your father."
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So, Peter Andre goes to Iceland.
I would have thought he would run a mile from another cheap Price.
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I've spent the last hour in front of the mirror taking naked pictures of myself and sending them to my girlfriend.
The driving examiner says I've failed.
Always be yourself.
Unless you run into one of your exes.
Then be a way more successful version of yourself.
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Next time someone asks you to pull their finger, pull their hand instead.
Hopefully, they'll shit themselves.
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I managed to get 3 darts stuck in a chav's head at the funfair today.
Not bad considering I was on the Dodgems at the time.
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3 fleas are talking.
One said "Oh I'm really cold."
The 2nd flea suggests "What you need to do is find a human with a big beard, and hide in that. All nice and snug."
The 3rd flea says, "No, the best idea is head to the airport, look for a flight heading for a hot country, then find a air hostess and hide in her pubic hairs, as it's the warmest place"
A year later the 3 fleas meet up and the 1st flea is asked how it all went.
"I did try the air hostess way, but I still ended up in a mans beard."
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I think that suicide is such a horrible word and we should soften it by now using.
I think Bob Geldof cares about me.
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BBC News: Oscar Pistorius said that he wishes to apologise privately to Reeva Steenkamp's family.
Gor God's sake, please don't let him do it in the court toilets.
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I saved £463 on my car insurance today.
Now I've just got to hope that I don't get pulled over in the next 12 months.
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I read that gangs are starting to use dogs now instead of knives.
I tried it, and it was rubbish, my toast was all hairy.
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You will not talk, discuss, converse, chat, debate or communicate about Thesaurus club.
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"I'm sorry to tell you that Doris, the tea lady, died last night. She had a weak heart."
"I know. She kept the teapot and all the cups on it."
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One of my friends is a sex addict, and recently he's been doing cold turkey.
Though that was only until it dawned on him to warm it up a bit in the microwave first.
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They say the best drug dealers are the ones who don't use their own products.
Using that logic, I'd be one hell of a treadmill salesman.
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Sports News: After much speculation in the press, Englands' Ladies football team captain Steph Houghton has finally gone public about her sexuality.
Her team mates are said to be standing by her, and her partner Tim.
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My doctor told me that I can't have children.
I wasn't surprised as I am, in fact, a fucking man.
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I did a bit of online banking earlier.
I'm getting pretty good at this airplane simulator lately.
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I remember the times when I used to sleep with three women in one night.
I used top love speed dating in Essex.
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The first rule of Crossfit club is, you must always talk about Crossfit club.
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I was saddened to hear the news about Lynda Bellingham.
Apparently she's now trying to decide if she should be buried or cremated.
Perhaps she might consider being boiled down to make a nice stock?
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Just £2 a week can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend.
Text OSCAR to 62226 now.
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So, Denmark's announced that they are to make having sex with animals illegal .
Is that's why their bacon is so salty?
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"All dressed up and nowhere to go."
- The inscription on the tombstone of an atheist.
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I've just made a terrible mistake, I mistook my girlfriend for a burglar and shot her.
Thank fuck I've got a bronze medal in the one hundred metres from the school athletics team.
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What's the difference between cigarettes and Eastern European murderers?
You can only bring 200 cigarettes into the UK before the authorities start asking questions.