My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spa's, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.
It cost him £35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.
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After having a good shit, I sprayed my aftershave to cover up the smell.
Now my bathroom just smells like a turd is getting ready for a night out.
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Wank·fest
noun: An occasion on which a male is home alone for an excess of two hours.
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Ed Miliband says he is
going to turn the country around. But not sure that
making Aberdeen closer to France is a big vote
winner.
=====
I have a half-sister.
And when she's got the money for the rest of the operation, she'll be my full-sister.
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What do you call a good looking woman with a ginger?
A hostage.
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Some bloke injected my dog with napalm earlier.
I think he was a Vietnam Vet.
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Just bought my son a tablet he wanted for his birthday.
I'm not sure he's old enough for ecstasy yet but it's the cheapest fucking present he's wanted for a while.
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Doctor Doctor! Do you think your surname influenced your choice of career?
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I've just been told that I'm bipolar.
Sad face/Smiley face.
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I took my pet hamster to the vet because it stopped breathing.
"Well where is the hamster?" asked the vet.
"Do you have an x-ray machine?"
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Bruce Forsyth said that there should be an alternate show called 'British children have talent.'
With ideas like that, he could be getting a knock on his door sooner than he thinks.
=====
Just finished having the most amazing sex with a female window cleaner. Had her bent over a wall, up against a tree, legs over the shoulders, the fucking works.
Stroke of luck finding her concussed after falling from a ladder.
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An ITV reporter asked Rafa Benitez what he thought he'd be taking away from the Europa league victory.
P45 Rafa, a P45.
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The hardest part about being in a new relationship has to be learning to fart quietly again.
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I drove up to a fit woman in the street and said, "Hey babe, do you fancy a spin?"
She looked at me like I was a kid and replied, "Not really, no."
"Aw what's wrong." I said, "Don't you like Ferraris?"
"Yes", she said, "but not remote controlled toy ones."
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My son came up to me today and started asking me about sex.
"Dad," he said, "How do you know if a woman is feeling horny or not? You can see if a man is because his willy gets hard."
"It's quite difficult sometimes, son," I replied.
"Well, how do you know if mum is feeling horny?" he asked.
"That's easy," I replied, "She just asks where we keep the spare batteries."
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The phrase "water off a ducks back" is a load of bollox.
I tested it and after the 2nd kettle full it was dead.
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A couple years ago my ex wife told me that she hated me in every way possible and couldn't wait until I was dead.
Come to think of it, I probably should've seen the divorce coming from those wedding vows alone.
=====
My ex always compared me to Bill Oddie.
I have to hide in the bushes with binoculars to get close to birds too.
=====
How do you make a vegetarian pasty?
Lock them in a cellar for six months.
=====
Following her double mastectomy, Angelina Jolie has said
"The hardest thing was trying to explain my decision to my children."
Probably because you don't speak African, love.
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Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes.
I didn't see the person so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.
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I took my son to a children's play centre and thought it was an opportunity to chat up some single mums. It was going great until one of the kinky ones asked how big my cock was.
"Like that baby holding an apple", I said
"Oh! So it's big", she said smiling.
"No, it's like that baby's. The one holding the apple".
=====
I found out 2 things yeaterday.
1 - I can fit two-thirds of a carrot up my arse .
2 - Greengrocers are nasty fuckers.
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Stephen Hawking is just Albert Einstein starting a new game on Hard mode.
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The annoying thing about being ignorant is that you'd never know it.
It was annoying as a boy every time I used to see my grandad he'd say, "Got your nose."
He never did take my Leprosy condition seriously.
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When the US spoke of winning hearts and minds in the Middle East, I didn't realise they were talking about organ harvesting.
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My wife left me last year to work for the tourist board on a tropical island.
She sells Seychelles by the sea shore.
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I'm going to start a conspiracy theory that Chris Hadfield recorded that video in a TV studio.
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Anyone that does the lottery is a mug.
Unless of course you win, then you're my mate.
=====
Jennifer Aniston walked into a bar a got her tits out.
Because she still Jolie well can.
=====
If horny isn't an emotion, I have more to learn about relationships than I had ever imagined.
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No one ever really runs out of things to say.
There are just moments you are thinking about something you choose not to say.
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I'm a text book love maker.
And that's why my cock is covered in paper cuts.
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The BBC has long been known by the nickname 'Auntie'.
In light of recent revelations, it really ought to be changed to 'Uncle'.
=====
My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.
"Bollocks" I said. "I didn't even know it was your birthday."
=====
I just walked past a charity collector who asked "donations for cancer?"
That hardly sounds like a fair trade to me.
=====
My mate's got a little tub that he keeps his drugs in.
He reckons no customs officer is going to anally search an eight year old fat kid.
=====
The electricity company called me and said, 'The meter readings you provided us with seem to be suspiciously low.'
I said, 'Yeah, I've never read the meter. I have a system where I just decide beforehand how much I feel like paying, then work out the figures to suit.'
'Sir, you can't do that!' they said.
'Well, it's a system that seems to work all right for you twats.'
=====
So Rio Ferdinand has retired from international football.
Is it possible to retire from a role you haven't been offered?
If so, I retire from being the Pope.
=====
Just flown over a desert island and seen the letters SOS.
Not sure what they're apologising for.
=====
Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he can eat forever.
Give a man salsa, and he can eat for a day. Teach a man to salsa,
and he'll just look gay.
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Please God, let Bonnie Tyler win Eurovision on Saturday.
Then we'll see what John Terry is made of.
=====
I was having a leisurely wank watching Maria Sharapova playing tennis earlier when my phone started to ring.
Apparently the LTA don't want me to be a Line Judge anymore.
=====
I'm sure our dog likes the taste of my spunk.
He's always licking his arse.
=====
I sat on my bed for 10 minutes earlier before deciding to have a wank.
It still felt like my bed though.
=====
BBC News: Huge delays on M25 after pedestrian is killed.
He was run over whilst trying to find which lane his car was parked in.
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Apparently the seamstress rescued from under the Dhaka factory after seventeen days is now on the mend.
You'd think Primark might have given her the rest of the week off.
=====
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.
=====
The other day, I was having a shit in the woods when, to my horror, some passers-by saw me.
Thankfully, I was wearing my bear costume.
=====
I got lost walking around London today until I saw a paving stone with the word 'GO' written on it.
It was then I realised I was somewhere near Old Kent Road.
=====
Sky News: "Kangaroo knocks politician to ground as he enjoys morning jog "
This is what happens when Rolf Harris isn't around to tie the fuckers down.
=====
Mi papá tiene 47 años = My Dad is 47 years old
Mi papa tiene 47 anos = My potato has 47 assholes
I love Spanish.
=====
I've recently opened a sex shop for dogs.
I'm doing a roaring trade in blow-up legs.
=====
"I've often been mistaken as Arnold Schwarzeneggers twin," I said to a girl in the pub.
"But you look nothing like him," she laughed, "you're bald and far too short."
"Exactly, Danny DeVito."
=====
Speaking to Jeremy Kyle, Jack Tweed said that in the months following Jade Goody's death and his arrest for rape, 'If I'd had a gun I would have shot myself.'
Now that I think about it, perhaps gun control laws in this country are a bit too strict after all.