First Grandad, then Uncle Albert, now Trigger. If any more of John Sullivan's characters die the programme will be known as Only Ghouls and Hearses.
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My mate just told me that he robbed a shop last night.
"What did you get?" I asked.
"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over £180,000."
"Dude, these are from an estate agents."
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Everything was much cheaper back in my day.
Because there were actually price tags on things.
That you could switch.
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My art professor was critiquing my painting of a nude model.
"What do you call this mess?," he said.
"Spunk"
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My wife came home from work and asked what I've been doing all day, so I told her I was cleaning.
It's better than saying I spent the day pissing a skid mark off the toilet.
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Apparently there's a new book out.
50 shades of red.
It's a period novel.
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Apparently, the average erection contains enough blood to keep three gerbils alive.
My tests said otherwise.
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So, President Hollande's wife collapsed last weekend on discovering his affair.
Makes me think that England's cricketers knew about it weeks ago.
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Why don't they make sex toys for fifteen year olds?
Because everything already is a sex toy to a fifteen year old.
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I've been giving £3 a month to so many charities that I can't afford to pay my rent and am now homeless.
So please send £3 a month to.
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How can it be considered stealing when my neighbour's WiFi signal was trespassing in mY house?
I'm the victim here!
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Apparently 4 out of 3 people struggle with maths.
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I wonder if Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is scared of the Paperboy.
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Chuck Norris' is so tough that we ignore the fact he's a ginger.
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BBC News: The skeleton of an early human has been found in Norfolk.
Scientists have managed to accurately date it to 1 million years old, thanks to the fact it only has five fingers on each hand.
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If you're flying on an aircraft and your hear the infamous announcement "Does anyone know how to fly a plane?",
your answer should always be "Yes".
Well, if you're going to die, you may as well die flying a jet.
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Daily Mail online: "The shorter the journey to work, the more risks drivers are willing to take."
Nonsense. I never take risks on my way to work.
And I can get there before my windscreen's even defrosted.
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And so, the beautiful woman kissed the frog, which sent the frog's wife to hospital with mental health issues.
I hate it when my Scouse girlfriend gets changed into her onesie.
I don't know if she's going to bed or going shopping.
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Guttted.
I thought I had £707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
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"I tried sucking myself off this morning," I said to my mate, "Does that make me a weirdo?"
"Of course not," he replied.
"Well that's what the people on the bus were calling me."
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I'm so glad Cristiano Ronaldo has won the Ballon d'Or.
Maybe now he will have the confidence he so desperately lacks.
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BBC News: Man shot dead for texting in movie theater.
How many times is this going to happen? Things really need to change in America.
It's theatre not theater.
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I think I need to cut down on self abuse.
I've just found out that my washing machine's pregnant.
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Pub quiz question from last night: "Who was the last Royal to be executed."
Apparently, "Diana" isn't the correct answer.
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A highways agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads.
I looked a right dickhead on the bus this morning.
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What's the fastest animal on earth?
A sheep running through Wales.
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Outlook sending me an email to tell me my inbox is nearly full is a bit like giving a fat person a giant cake with 'You need to lose weight' written across the top in red frosting.
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My girlfriend thinks we can afford to go somewhere exotic on holiday this year, but I've booked us up to go back to Wales.
I'm keeping it Rhyl.
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Give a man a fish and he can feed himself for a day.
Give a man a fishing rod, a six-pack & a sandwich, and he can earn a fortune as a Paul Gascoigne look-alike.
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What was Trigger's favourite TV channel?
Rodney.
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Did you know that if you sniff a girl's bum whilst tweaking her nipples, you get roughly escorted out of Primark?
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Robert Gates, former US defence secretary, has warned that Britain's defence cuts could damage the military relationship between the UK and the US.
So much so, they might just have to find someone else to kill with friendly fire.
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So, in 1965, when Bill Roache dragged you into the toilets and raped you, you didn't struggle, or scream?
" I did, I yelled, Help! I need somebody, heeeelp!"
And what happened?
" About 4 or 5 people sang along"
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I'm part Irish and part Scottish.
Which means half of me wants to get drunk, but the other half doesn't want to pay for it.
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My wife left me because of my obsession with the Human League.
Well fuck her, she was only working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I first met her anyway.
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Since my girlfriend left me due to my OCD I've been crying non stop.
On the hour, every hour.
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My mate told me that he thinks his new girlfriend may be a bit of a slag.
Apparently, the first time they had sex, it sounded like he was churning butter.