Knock knock.......
Knock knock.......
Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock....
Hurry up Whitney, I need a shit.
=====
I wonder if Michael Jackson looks like he did in Thriller yet.
=====
What's pink and sits on the doormat?
Whitney Houston's valentines cards.
=====
Alien 1: 'So, did the humans get our message?'
Alien 2: 'Yes, but they've called it 'dubstep' and now dance to it.
=====
Whitney Houston: Born 1963 - Dead
Amy Winehouse: Born 1983 - Dead
Keith Richards: Born 1943 - Alive
Ozzy Osbourne: Born 1948 - Alive
Moral of the story: Women can't handle their drugs.
=====
According to her browsing history, my wife has been spending a lot of time on a site called match.com.
She must be trying to get me tickets to next week's home game as a surprise present, bless her.
=====
So the Aaron Ramsey goal curse strikes again, every time he scores someone dies very quickly... first Bin Laden, then Gaddafi, then Kim Jong-Il and now Whitney Houston.
Surely if he scores 100 more, we can wipe out Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black.
Many people don't know but it's the same for Emile Heskey.
Last time it was Princess Diana.
=====
I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro.
It's the same as the other Euro, but no Greece.
=====
If Aaron Ramsay scores an own goal, what happens then?
=====
I wasn't concentrating while driving this morning and crashed into a 'Stop' sign. I got out of the car to check the damage.
The sign was slightly bent and there was a small scratch on my bumper. Both could be repaired cheaply, so that wasn't too bad.
It wasn't all good news, though. I could tell from the kids' screams that the lollipop man was pretty fucked up.
=====
I was looking for a new flat, and found a nice place in the centre of town that seemed ideal.
"It's only £600 a month,all in" the woman told me. "But no pets."
I had to turn it down. It was a bargain but I wasn't willing to give up my sex life.
=====
What nationality is Bob the Builder?
Corsican.
=====
I've dedicated my life to getting prostitutes off the streets.
For an hour or so at a time usually.
=====
'It's not right, but it's okay.'
Sings Whitney Houston's coroner as he slowly unbuckles his belt.
=====
Kurt Cobain killed himself one month after Justin Bieber was born..........He knew.
=====
I went up to this girl last night and said "Is your Daddy a thief"
She said "Let me guess because he stole the stars and put them in my eyes."
"No, because your wearing a Liverpool shirt".
=====
Dear Sean Penn
Thank you for your concern over the Falkland Islands. However, we refuse to listen to the son of Indian murdering, fucking immigrant, redneck scumbag. We fully understand that you are pissed off that god had a giant shit after making earth which was later discovered by Columbus, but please don't take it out on us.
Yours truly
Britain
=====
Stephen Hawking; Cheating his way through musical chairs since 1942.
Knock knock.......
Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock....
Hurry up Whitney, I need a shit.
=====
I wonder if Michael Jackson looks like he did in Thriller yet.
=====
What's pink and sits on the doormat?
Whitney Houston's valentines cards.
=====
Alien 1: 'So, did the humans get our message?'
Alien 2: 'Yes, but they've called it 'dubstep' and now dance to it.
=====
Whitney Houston: Born 1963 - Dead
Amy Winehouse: Born 1983 - Dead
Keith Richards: Born 1943 - Alive
Ozzy Osbourne: Born 1948 - Alive
Moral of the story: Women can't handle their drugs.
=====
According to her browsing history, my wife has been spending a lot of time on a site called match.com.
She must be trying to get me tickets to next week's home game as a surprise present, bless her.
=====
So the Aaron Ramsey goal curse strikes again, every time he scores someone dies very quickly... first Bin Laden, then Gaddafi, then Kim Jong-Il and now Whitney Houston.
Surely if he scores 100 more, we can wipe out Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black.
Many people don't know but it's the same for Emile Heskey.
Last time it was Princess Diana.
=====
I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro.
It's the same as the other Euro, but no Greece.
=====
If Aaron Ramsay scores an own goal, what happens then?
=====
I wasn't concentrating while driving this morning and crashed into a 'Stop' sign. I got out of the car to check the damage.
The sign was slightly bent and there was a small scratch on my bumper. Both could be repaired cheaply, so that wasn't too bad.
It wasn't all good news, though. I could tell from the kids' screams that the lollipop man was pretty fucked up.
=====
I was looking for a new flat, and found a nice place in the centre of town that seemed ideal.
"It's only £600 a month,all in" the woman told me. "But no pets."
I had to turn it down. It was a bargain but I wasn't willing to give up my sex life.
=====
What nationality is Bob the Builder?
Corsican.
=====
I've dedicated my life to getting prostitutes off the streets.
For an hour or so at a time usually.
=====
'It's not right, but it's okay.'
Sings Whitney Houston's coroner as he slowly unbuckles his belt.
=====
Kurt Cobain killed himself one month after Justin Bieber was born..........He knew.
=====
I went up to this girl last night and said "Is your Daddy a thief"
She said "Let me guess because he stole the stars and put them in my eyes."
"No, because your wearing a Liverpool shirt".
=====
Dear Sean Penn
Thank you for your concern over the Falkland Islands. However, we refuse to listen to the son of Indian murdering, fucking immigrant, redneck scumbag. We fully understand that you are pissed off that god had a giant shit after making earth which was later discovered by Columbus, but please don't take it out on us.
Yours truly
Britain
=====
Stephen Hawking; Cheating his way through musical chairs since 1942.
What do you call a baby sheep between two sheets of plastic?
Lambinated.
=====
I thought that I'd spotted a superhero earlier, when I saw a man running down the street wearing a cape.
Turned out that he just hadn't paid for his haircut.
=====
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
So if the zombie apocalypse starts there, we should be safe.
=====
''I got fired from my job as a vet this morning..'' I said to my mate.
"Why?"
"For a spoonerism"
"How could you possibly get fired for that?''He asked.
"A woman brought in a litter of pups, concerned about the smallest one's health. I looked at the puppy and made my diagnosis."
"She's a bit small,but that wasn't anything to worry about because she had a scruffy but capable runt.''
=====
Getting hired as a designer for the "Bench & Chair" company wasn't easy.
But apparently they really enjoyed my stool sample.
=====
Some people say I drink in excessive amounts.
What they don't realise is that I operate in dog beers.
=====
I went to the doctor today.
'What's the trouble?' he asked.
'Well, I was having a wank this morning when the end of my cock came off in my hand.' Hoping medical science might be able to restore my manhood.
I placed end of my cock on the desk in front of the doctor.
He looked at it briefly. 'Are you taking the piss? This is a marshmallow'.
'Don't be silly!..........I ate that on the way over!'
=====
In last couple of days there has been a real overdose of jokes about Whitney Houston.
=====
I've just joined a high powered sports car owners club.
I haven't got one, but I love looking around at every meeting and thinking..........."I've got the biggest cock in this room."
=====
Did my good deed for the day yesterday, by helping a blind woman off the train at Oxford.
She'll be gutted, she wanted to go to Chesterfield.
=====
My grandad died in Vietnam.
He got AIDS off some ladyboy five years ago.
=====
Vegetarians claim there isn't much difference between the taste of Fish and Shit.
There is. It's called the Perineum.
=====
10 Things To Do in the Supermarket ....While Your Other Half Shops:
1.Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.
2.Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares...' and see what happens.
3.While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.
4.When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the foetal position and scream ' NO! .......It's those voices again!!!'
5.Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.
6.Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7.Set-up a tent in the Camping Department and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
8.When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9.Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while.. then yell loudly, 'There's no toilet paper in here.'
10.Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say, 'PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!'