The Olympic athletes showed us the importance doing things for yourself, then you can hold your head up high and be proud that you did it, without just relying on others to do the work for you.
So it was nice to see One Direction singing a song written for them, wearing clothes chosen for them and doing whatever they were told to do.
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Water Polo: One shark away from being the greatest sport on the planet.
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I phoned the NHS line today and said, "I'm having a real problem getting an erection."
"Well we're here to help you as much as we can sir," the woman replied.
"Great! What colour panties are you wearing?"
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Brought womens multi-vitamins by mistake.
Now I'm late for work because suddenly every piece of clothing I own is making me look fat.
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7 years of hard work, £35 billion spent, millions of people involved and 65 Olympic Medals making Britain proud was completely undone by Monday morning's episode of Jeremy Kyle.
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'The Thorpedo'...a fantastic nickname for Aussie Gold Medal legend Ian Thorpe, when he swam like a torpedo.
Not such a good name now he's teaching kids to swim.
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Highlight of the Olympic Closing Ceremony for me was watching the North Korean athletes shift nervously while George Michael sang 'Freedom'.
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The Olympics teach us that success doesn't happen overnight, it takes years of hard work and effort to achieve.
And so what better way to celebrate this at the closing ceremony than with One Direction, a group that were formed on a televised talent show... overnight.
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I got a leaflet through the door today saying, "If you are an alcoholic, ring this number".
So I called the number. It was an off-licence.
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The Spice Girls have truly stood the test of time.
They're still shit.
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It easy to see why Russell Brand was chosen to perform at the Olympics closing ceremony.
Nothing quite says London like a smack-head on a bus.
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Tia Sharp's grandad admits that he snapped and killed her when she said his brother Paul was the funnier Chuckle Brother.
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Well at least with the street performers Stomp performing at the Olympic closing ceremony, it's cleared up one thing.
I now know why the bin men make so much fucking noise in the mornings.
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I've had anal sex four times during my life so far, which I'm not too happy about.
The judge only sentenced me last week.
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I bought the wife a mood ring.
I painted it black to avoid any confusion.
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A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "I came first in the Olympics and they gave the medal to the twat on my back."
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BBC News: Belarusian shot putter Nadzeya Ostapchuk has thrown her gold medal away after testing positive for drugs.
Olympic officials have no fucking idea where it landed.
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I was walking with my Husky this morning when we were approached by a strange looking fellow.
"That dog would make me a lovely coat!" He evilly laughed whilst rubbing his hands together.
"I doubt it mate, he's never even used a sewing machine."
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Mid-way through my prostate exam I asked my doctor,
"Are you trying to make this as awkward as possible?"
He laughed, "No sir, this is just how the procedure is performed."
"Fair enough." I said, "But how do you explain the scented candles and soft jazz?"
To theologians the term "oneness" means divine simplicity, the belief that God is without parts.
To dyslexics it just makes no sense.
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I just bumped into George Michael and asked him the time. He told me, but insisted on singing his new single as well.
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"What's your problem?"
"My problem?"
"Yes, what's your problem?"
"You're the one with the fucking problem, pal."
"No, I think it's possibly you."
"Really? Well, shall we take this outside?"
"No, please stop wasting my time and get out of my surgery."
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"Why do you insist that I always wear tights?" asked my partner. "Just once, I'd like to go out 'au naturale'."
"Because we're bank robbers you twat."
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"In for a penny, in for a pound," she said.
It was at that point that I realised the girls in the brothel would be pretty rough.
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I'm trying to become a vegetarian, so right now I'm only eating seafood, like lobster and drowned cows.
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A man was rummaging around in the loft earlier when he found an old version of Mouse Trap.
He spent ages putting the plastic parts together, trapping the mouse and reliving my childhood days when he suddenly thought "Fuck, I've been up here ages pissing about, I'd better get down."
He got to the bottom of the loft ladder and was greeted with the words, "Well you've been up there an hour P.C. Smith, that must have been a very thorough search, obviously no sign of Tia up there then?"
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When Scousers want to get their kids a trampoline, which website do they look at first?
Google Maps.
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The virgin festival was brilliant! I got exactly what I paid for.
Went as a virgin, came back as a virgin.
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I can't help but wonder.
Would Anne Frank still be alive today if she had lived in Mitcham.
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"How much is that doggy in the window?"
"It's not for sale" said it's tearful owner, removing it's lifeless body from my windscreen.
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I've just started a band called 'Voices In Your Head'.
You'll go crazy when you hear us.
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Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal .
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I was standing at the urinals taking a piss when suddenly I let out the wettest fart ever.
The bloke standing next to me laughed and said, "Fuck! You might want to go and see a doctor about that."
"It's fine" I giggled "Just breaking wind..."
He said, "I was talking about the lump on your cock."
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After running over a rabbit last night, I decided to take it home and cook it for my tea.
My curious 12-year-old son came into the kitchen and asked, "How long does it take to prepare?"
"Not long," I said, "In fact why don't you time me."
"OK," he replied, looking at his watch, "3..2..1..Go!"
I grabbed it off the side, quickly chopped off its head, legs & tail, then ripped off the fur and scooped out all of its insides.
"Done!" I smiled, throwing my knife into the sink and stepping back, "Are you impressed?"
"No," he replied, "That was the fucking cat."
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I'm grateful I'm not bisexual.
I'd hate being rejected by men as well as women.
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Jimmy Saville is on big brother!
Ah, no wait... Sorry, it's Julie Goodyear.
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Dear Children,
When you look under your bed, what exactly is it you are planning to do when you find me.
Sincerely
The Bogeyman
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I saw an Indian guy screwing in a light bulb whilst simultaneously turning the door knob.
"What are you doing?!" I said.
"Dancing" he replied.
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Roses are red, violets are blue,
I've got Alzheimer's,
Cheese on toast