I'm thinking of becoming a full time eco-warrior.
I've already set fire to a tree and kicked the shit out of a rabbit.
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I've designed a website for orphans.
There isn't a home page.
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New owners have taken over the snow globe factory where I work.
I hope they don't come in and try and shake everything up.
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BBC News: Human waste contains gold and other valuable minerals.
I can't wait until a cashier asks, "How would you like to pay for that?"
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'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.
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My Psychiatrist told me that my narcissism is starting to get out of hand, and that if i'm not careful, it might reach the point where I can only be sexually aroused by my own appearance.
I was so shocked I went to the mirror and had a long, hard look at myself.
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I was at the checkout in Asda yesterday when the cashier said, " Do you want cash back?"
I said, "Yeah, I mean who wouldn't. There's Ring of Fire, I Walk the Line and let's not forget his Christmas album."
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I was bored with washing and cleaning and ironing and wanted to do something stimulating and dangerous; something that would make my hair stand on end.
So I frayed the cord on the steam iron.
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So, God moves in mysterious ways.
In which case, God must be that bloke at No23 with muscular dystrophy.
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It wasn't until my 13th birthday that I realised what a heavy smoker my dad was.
Every time a balloon burst the fire alarm went off.
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The first rule of a Paradox Club is to have no rules.
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I've started dating a plain looking female surgeon.
But she scrubs up well.
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5 Seconds of Summer.
Australian boy band or British weather forecast?
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"Dad, what does MP stand for?"
"Monstrous Paedo."
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In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink.
It had a single word on it: "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"
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Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.
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BBC News: Dogs Trained to Detect Prostate Cancer.
I just hope they trim their claws before they stick their paw up my arse
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I used to be in a band called The Narcissists.
I was great.
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As USA gets closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.
The last time Hilary had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky.
And Monica blew it.
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I see the Pope and David Cameron disagree about contraception.
I didn't even know they were dating.
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As his bride to be started walking down the aisle Andy Murray glanced at her over his shoulder. He quickly turned to his best man and said "Oh my God. What is that she's wearing? I've never seen anything like it in my life"
His best man replied "That's a fucking smile"
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I see that Paul Lambert's been talking about his sacking by Aston Villa.
He says that, given the opportunity, most of his players would have shot him in the back.
On the plus side, Paul, they'd have probably missed.
Give a man a fish,
and if no one's looking, he'll probably try and stick his cock in its mouth.
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Lord, if you want me to be a lollipop lady, give me a sign.
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BBC News: Police to investigate their own lack of response to the report of an alarm being triggered at the safety deposit box centre in Hatton Garden.
If they can be arsed.
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I've just been reading a new report which says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy.
The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy.
They can, but they prefer to watch you die screaming.
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It's all fun and games, but one of these days a mime artist will lock themselves in their greenhouse and nobody will help them.
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David Cameron says everyone in Britain can have a taste of the Good Life.
Translation: I'm taking all your money, grow your own fucking food.
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My mate's doctor told him: "Either your smoking or your drinking is going to kill you if you don't change your lifestyle. It's your choice."
Apparently, he's going for the drinking.
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I've got a part in a play about cocaine addicts in rehab.
I don't have any lines though.
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SKY News: Seven-year-old boy dies falling off cliff in the Alps.
I thought he was in Barbados.
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I came across a blind man today, and I had one of those awkward moments about deciding whether I'm meant to help him or not.
In the end I stayed quiet and let him finish his dump in the lift.
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A UKIP local election candidate has been exposed as a porn baron who works under the alias of Johnny Rockard.
"John has never made a big deal out of what he does, and is not breaking any laws. What people do in their private lives is really up to them and I cannot see why there should be any problem with any of this," said a spokesman for the National Society of Gangbangers.
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Had to stop watching Game of Thrones with my parents, because of all the sex.
So I've decide to recorded it next time and I'll watch it after they've finished.
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Pregnant vegans.
What do they tell you about first?
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"I can't believe my horse came first!"
"Congratulations Dad, but how many times have I told you that I'm not interested in your and Camilla's bedroom antics?"
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So Katie Hopkins insists she just says what other people commonly think.
If that's true, surely she should have referred to herself as a vile little troll with the IQ of a rodent by now.
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I'm in a band called 'Defibrillator'.
We're a revival band.
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What is the difference between a cow and Paul Walker?
You can't milk a cow when it's been dead for 2 years.
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I pulled over and asked a guy for directions.
Which probably cost me a F1 Championship.
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After doing a bit of experimenting I have found that elephants do in fact forget.
It just takes a shit load of Rohypnol.
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Two drunks were walking down Piccadilly Circus.
The first drunk stumbled down into the underground and the second kept walking along the top.
When they met at the other end the second drunk asked "Where have you been?"
To which first drunk replied "i've just been down some fella's cellar, he's got the biggest train set you've ever seen.
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I don't think I'm very popular at work.
I got one of those "We're sorry that you're leaving" cards on my first day.
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I was online gaming yesterday, when the dick I was playing against tried to put me off to make me lose. "I fucked yo mama last night and then she sucked me dry"
I hate playing with my dad.
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So when the zombie apocalypse finally happens, I'm moving to Westminster.
I figure the lack of brains there will keep the undead masses away.
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On their way to get married, a loving couple get into car accident that proves fatal. The couple is sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to finish the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter replies, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"