" Children in Need " is on the BBC tonight.
Given the current situation, I don't think the BBC are the best judges of what children need.
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My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas today.
"How about a blow-job?" I said.
"Well, you'll have to wait and see what you get from Father Christmas," she replied.
Great. If I'd wanted a fat lump with a white beard to suck my cock, I'd have asked her mother.
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My ex is a clever bitch.
She always buys slimline tampons so that the cashier thinks she has a tight vagina.
Then uses four at once.
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Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshiping cats.
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They say women are attracted to men who treat them badly.
So when a gorgeous lady came into my surgery with a swollen ankle, I gave her cough medicine.
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I received a phone call from a claims company today.
"Have you had an accident in the last 6 months, either at work or in the car?"
"Yes I have actually." I confessed, "It was at work, whilst sat at my desk."
"I seeeee..." came the reply, "And did you think about suing the company?"
"No, I just went home and changed my underpants."
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I'm in a band called "Obnoxious cunt brothers"
We're an Oasis tribute band.
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BBC NEws: Badger cull delayed until next summer.
I fear we may have lost the crucial element of surprise.
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It's been so long since I've had sex, I was rubbing my cock and a genie popped out.
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Whoever replaced my kitchen window with broken glass and hid my laptop and tv, Haha very funny. Now tell me where they are.
I'm fucking serious.
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I went up to a girl in a bar and said, "You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."
So, we're currently fishing for Alaskan King Crab in the Bering Sea.
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Maddie is trending on Twitter.
Something tells me the McCanns are skint again.
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The guy said to me, "I'd like you to cover your right eye, and read the top line on the chart."
"That doesn't make sense."
"You don't have to pronounce it. Just read each letter individually," He laughed
"Why?"
"So I can tell if you need stronger glasses."
"Obviously I do. I thought this was the hairdressers."
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My wife is wearing one of those skirts where I can just see the edge of her bum poking out.
I'd probably find it sexy if the skirt wasn't knee length.
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My boss called me into his office and said, "I think you should divorce your wife".
I said, "I couldn't do that sir, I love her with all my heart".
"That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard", said my wife from under the desk.
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According to my neighbour's diary, I have serious "boundary issues".
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ow many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.
One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into a bath tap.
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My laptop died last night.
It was a fucking nightmare trying to flush it down the toilet.
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Why did the midget purchase two bonzai trees?
For his hammock.
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The little lad next door has just been diagnosed with ADHD.
Or as I like to call it "Parents not disciplining their children and letting them do what they want so they have to dress it up as a made up disorder."
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I just don't get my girlfriend sometimes.
She never wants anal because my cock hurts so much.
But you should see the size of this shit she's left down the toilet.
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I can't lead a horse to water, but I can drive anyone to drink.
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There are no more cannibals.
I've eaten the last one.
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A guy asked his friend : what do you use to last longer during sex ?
He replied : "Keep a gun next to you, and when you feel you're going to cum , shoot it once to distract yourself from the action."
The next day they met up again.
"How'd it go?" Asks the Friend.
"Fuck you and fuck your ideas, we were doing 69 and I took a shot, she bit my cock off, shit in my mouth and a fucking guy jumped out of the closet.
Life is all about timing.
I think that the guy that shot all those people at the Batman film would have been treated as a hero if he'd only waited for the new Twilight film to come out.
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I don't answer to anybody.
Makes me wonder why I even bother having a mobile.
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"Who were you just talking to on the phone?" asked my wife.
"British Gas," I replied. "I've just managed to save us £900 a year on our gas and electricity bill."
"Really?" she smiled.
"Yes, you might want to start wearing two layers of clothing."
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Nice to see the Government doesn't mince its words in the propaganda war against terrorists.
Abu Qatada: "Kill the infidels! Slice their throats, burn their homes and take their women as war booty!"
David Cameron: "I am completely fed up with this man."
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Tesco Advert - It's the little things that make Christmas.
Yeah,Vietnamese kids in sweat shops.
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Me and my wife were out for an anniversary meal.
"Eurgh. Did you just pick your nose and wipe it under the table?" she asked.
"Errrrrr. No"
"It's a glass table".
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I've just been left a single parent.
My gran collected some proper weird shit before she died.
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"After stubbing his cigar in my eye because I wouldn't suck his cock, I hope that bastard Savile rots in hell."
P.Bear, BBC Studios, London.
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I got sacked from my new job today, after taking a picture of a shit I'd just had and posting it to all the other employees via a social networking site.
Turns out my boss had said "Post a blog" to introduce myself to the other staff.
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What a load of bollocks, they say, 'When the cat's away, the mice will play'.
I''m sitting here on my own, with a tiny monopoly board.
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I lost the tie-breaker question at my local pub quiz last night, this was the question:
'I was all over the tv in the 70s and 80s, but have completely been irrelevant for the past 25 years. I am closely linked with the music of the 60s, and I'm famous for wearing tacky, shiny tracksuits. I have been in trouble with the police, and am completely despised by the whole country.'
Apparently, the answer was not 'Liverpool fans.'
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I used to date this weird girl who loved stamp collecting.
When she stayed at mine, I had to lick and slap her on the top right hand corner of the bed.
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Turns out Jimmy Savile turned down sex with Katie Price when she was eight.
He hated standing in queues.
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I went to a really trendy nightclub in town.
The doorman said, "Sorry mate, you've had too many."
"What! I'm totally sober!"
"I'm talking about birthdays."
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Some men think that using a moisturiser after you've had a shave is a bit gay.
I don't, I just think it makes my legs lovely and soft.
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My mum caught me having a wank today.
Hell of a time for her to come out of a 3 year coma.
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So, Steven Gerrard's 100th cap was overshadowed by another player.
Just like the other 99 caps then.
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When Windows 7 was released every man and his fucking dog was claiming that it was their idea.
I see no one is owning up for Windows 8.
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Social Services have banned Freddie Starr from being alone with his own children, in case he starts telling them jokes.
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It took 60 mink to make my fur coat.
It would have been less but they lack opposable thumbs.
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I'm an over opinionated, obnoxious, egotistical contortionist.
And yes I can go fuck myself if I wanted to.
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It's true that clowns always cry on the inside.
They fucking hate prison.
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I phoned 999 from my office on the 42nd floor and said,"There's a jumper on the roof."
"If nobody claims it, can I keep it?"
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I was having ghostly visions of yogurts when I opened my fridge last night.
Turns out it was just paranormal activia.
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I was driving down the motorway today when some bloke came flying past me on his mobile phone.
Technology's just getting stupid now.
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Now that he's free to walk the streets, the Home Office are afraid that Abu Qatada will just disappear like his brother, Abu Cadabra.
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What with another case of an old DJ being involved in a scandal,I'm starting to wonder how David 'kid' jensen got his name.
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If a girl asks me if I have any condoms, I always say "No". "But..." I continue, "I could just jizz over your tits instead".
I didn't last long as a pharmacist.
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The last sexual partner I had was a bit of a dog.
I found it in a bin round the back of the vet's.
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I don't know how people can have sex with dead people.
I mean, how do I get this dead guys cock up my arse?