If you kill yourself, it's called suicide.
If you kill somebody else, it's called homocide.
If you kill thousands, it's called genocide.
If you kill the King, it's called regicide.
If you kill your brother or sister, it's called fratricide.
And if you've got two Premier League teams and neither have won the title for over twenty five years, it's called Merseyside.
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When I bought my wife a set of golf clubs for her birthday, she hit the roof.
Her putting always left a lot to be desired.
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I've just started myself on the Chris Huhne diet.
A close friend is taking my WeightWatchers points.
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The UK have decided to up their game for next years Eurovision.
The song isn't written yet but to maximise the chances of winning they are inviting early applications from black, blind, lesbian, albino, transgender, paraplegic dwarves. Preference will be given to applicants born in Norfolk.
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Whenever someone calls me fat I get depressed and cut myself.....A piece of cake
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If you fail at everything else in your life, be content in the knowledge that for just a very, very short time you held the record for the Youngest Person in the World.
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Feeling down? Depressed? Suicidal? Need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to?
Well fuck off then, no one forced you to support Liverpool.
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"Conchita, eat a Snickers"
"Why?"
"Because you turn into a right diva when you're hungry"
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Bit of a storm last week at the Eurovision.
Ukraine delivered a fantastic performance, but returned to the green room to find Russia had taken their seats.
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Quasimodo went to his doctor.
"How can I help you." asked the doctor.
"I just don't feel right." replied Quasimodo
"OK,can you take off all your clothes and we'll try to find out what's wrong." said the doctor.
Quasimodo took off ten vests,eight shirts and fourteen jumpers.
"When was the last time you took off all your clothes?" asked the doctor.
"When I was at school." replied Quasimodo.
"Did you never wonder what happened to your school bag?"
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"I've just seen a murder outside our house."
"Really?" Gasped my wife.
"Yeah, see for yourself" I replied, pointing to our tree "there's about 30 crows up there look."
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I saw a big sign outside a church today that read "Why ask Google, when Jesus has all the answers?"
So I popped inside and asked what site has the best midget porn
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I saw a woman walking towards the door, so I opened it for her to be nice.
Instead of thanking me, both she and everyone else on the plane started screaming.
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Turns out men can use pregnancy tests to detect disease.
If you pee on the test, then the seat, the wall, the cat...you might have Parkinson's.
Doctor: "Your paranoia is getting out of control."
Patient: "You're not really my doctor, are you?"
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I see Richard Branson plans to develop a plane that can fly from New York to Tokyo in one hour.
Apparently, the engines are powered by human screams.
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So. Does Hank Marvin get fed every time he introduces himself?
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Man: "I won't be coming in today."
Boss: "I know."
Man: "How the hell did you know?"
Boss: "Because I sacked you three weeks ago you drunk bastard.
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My fourteen year old son's halfway to becoming the next karate kid.
Whacks off all day long.
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I've heard it said that there are two reactions a human might have when faced with danger - fight or flight.
There is a turd one.
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I was walking along the beach earlier when I saw this massive whale washing up.
You should've seen the size of the dishes.
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I am disgusted in the recent actions of Boko Haram.
That said, I still like Whiter Shade of Pale
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Leave Gary Barlow alone!
Whatever he said, whatever he did, he didn't mean it.
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So, I was tickling my little brother's feet when mum wakes up and starts giving me a right earful.
Something about "Waiting until he's born".
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Christians say that even though the Old Testament bans pork, they can still eat it because in the New Testament Jesus said that "what enters your body can not make it impure".
That seems to negate their attitude towards homosexuality as well.
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I host the breakfast show on a radio station specially for unemployed people.
I'm on between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.
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Bob: "I've started to learn to play the trumpet."
Jack: "Had no idea you had an interest in music."
Bob: "I don't. Just can't stand my next door neighbour."
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'Vin Diesel shares touching video of Paul Walker'
Here we go again.Another Jimmy Savile case.
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Liverpool's new away kit is bright yellow.
Good that they see the funny side of Gerrard's slip by dressing him like a banana for next season
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I just heard a news presenter say, "Studies reveal that 'Ignorant' is the most misinterpreted word in the dictionary"
I disagree, I think the most misinterpreted word is in fact "news", which refers to "noteworthy information".
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Scientists say they have discovered the oldest fossilised sperm cells ever found.
In a sock under Cliff Richard's bed.
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BBC News: "Up to 300 dead in Turkey mining disaster."
Incredibly sad news, but I'm also shocked beyond belief.
They mine for turkeys?
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Animal rights groups have called for a statue to be erected at the side of the road, where 1500 chickens were tragically killed yesterday.
I think that it's only fitting to put it the other side
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BBC News: UK jobless falls to only 6.9%
So, the population of Merseyside then.
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Lollypop ladies.
They make me cross.