"Dad are those Buffalo gay?"
"They're Bison"
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Saw Sarah Jessica Parker today.
Fuck she can run fast.
=====
The wife just asked, "What's that pile of clothes doing on the kitchen floor?"
"It's a dead Jedi."
=====
American soldier - Murders innocent afghan civilians - Gets life in prison
American President - Murders innocent afghan civilians - Gets re-elected.
=====
Hosepipe ban on the horizon.
Thank god I don't live there.
=====
Former E17 star Brian Harvey once said abiout the drug ecstasy...
"I've done 12 in one night, you know what I mean - loads of them.
Really, in the long run, it's a safe pill and it ain't doing you no harm. I don't see the problem."
From a man who went onto be jailed, admitted to a clinic for depression and managed to get critically injured by running over himself.
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Did you hear the one about the Afghans who had a British soldiers fancy dress party and invited an american?
16 dead.
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The wife and I have just had a baby, I heard her talking to her friend today in the Lounge.
She said,"Last night, he got up at 12am as he wanted some food.
Then he was up again at 2am because he had wet himself.
Next thing you know at 4am he is up crying his eyes out!
I must've got 30 minutes sleep, and through all that the baby didn't get up once."
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I walked up to reception in the hotel and said, "Sorry but I forgot what room I'm in."
"No problem Sir, this is called the lobby."
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A bloke barged past me in the pub last night, knocking my dates pint to the ground.
"You clumsy bastard!" I screamed.
"Calm down," he said. "I'll replace it."
"Yeah, as if you will, its 2am" I replied, "You can't get Rohypnol from anywhere at this time."
=====
My Chinese friend hates it when I swap the letters 'L' and 'R' on his keyboard.
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When I met the McCann's recently they taught me a lot about the true value of family.
I never realised that my daughter could be worth fifty grand on the black market.
=====
My mate said that he wants to come back as a cat in his next life,
Fuck that!
Sleeping for 18 hours, then licking my arse and bollocks for the other 6.
When I come back I want to be doing something different to this time.
=====
I saw a bloke in the pub earlier and I said, "I've seen you in here every day this week. Where do you find the time?"
He said, "Well I work 8 hours a day and sleep 8 hours a day. That leaves me 16 hours to do what I want."
"That's impossible. Your day would need to be 32 hours long."
"Not really. I guard the Arsenal trophy cabinet so I can sleep and work at the same time."
=====
My wife steamed in to the living room in tears.
"You bastard!" she screamed "You've been having an affair haven't you?!"
"Yes" I sighed "I'm sorry. But to be fair it's been totally one-way for the last 6 months",
"Oh really?" she said angrily "Get a bit bored did you?",
"Not really," I said "She died".
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Whats the height of conceit?
Faking an orgasm whilst having a wank.
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I was sitting on the sofa with my wife last night.
I said, "Look, our goldfish is dying."
She said, "You'll have to put him down."
"Don't be stupid, It's only a goldfish."
"Just get him back in fucking the tank!" she shouted.
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I was walking down the high street when a guy came up to me.
"Excuse me sir." he said, "I'm doing a survey, would you like to take part?"
"No thanks, standing around with a clipboard asking questions to strangers isn't really my thing.
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I put my arm around my son and said, "A little birdie told me, you lost your virginity last night. I'm so proud of you."
"Will you fuck off, you drunken twat, I'm in the middle of a meeting."
=====
My single friend asked me "What's it like being married?",
I said "Get yourself a tape recorder, tape Loose Women, then play it back at a louder volume than the TV"
"Whilst you're trying to watch Match of the Day".
=====
Got my friends a horse-drawn carriage for their wedding.
They weren't impressed, but think how hard it must be to hold a pen with hooves.
=====
I really rattled my girlfriends cage this morning.
Which is probably why her pet budgie is in a coma
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Apparently, "I can't believe it's not butter", is not an appropriate comment to make when your obese neighbours show you their newborn baby.
=====
First Fritzl, then Kony.
I remember when having the name Joseph just meant your wife had cheated on you and blamed getting pregnant on an angel..........or you had a gay coat.
=====
You know your mate is sad when he asks you to change your Facebook name to '94 others' and like his status..
=====
I bought a 'word a day' calendar.
Took a while but I've just finished changing them all to 'bird'.
=====
My doctor was checking my balls for any lumps the other day.
It got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair.
=====
Afghans are unable to understand or comprehend such a violent massacre.
A lone gunman running around executing people for no reason.
Americans learn about that in school.
I was in the pub last night, when I said, "Hey pal, I need a web designer, you're a web designer aren't you? Talk to me you ignorant bastard!"
Then the landlord came over and said, "Come on mate, time for you to go, you've had enough to drink."
"Have I fuck" I replied.
He said, "I think you will find you have, you're talking to a spider."
=====
I just watched My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.
The only possible reason I can see for the bride to have such an elaborate dress with so many layers is that by the time her groom has peeled it off, she may be nearing the age of consent.
=====
I can't believe how sexist my new girlfriend's parents are.
They have tons of childhood photos on the walls of their son as a little boy but none of her from when she was growing up.
She doesn't want to make a thing of it though, she says that's just traditional Thai culture.
=====
I said to my mate, "The wife has been saying she wants a Threesome."
He said, "Excellent stuff, what have you said to her?"
"I told her thast if she can find two people desperate enough, then she should go for it"
======
A woman doing a survey stopped me today.
She said, "Are you worried because we are not doing enough to save the the planet for our children?"
"To be honest, I couldn't give a toss."
"I don't like your attitude."
"You haven't met my fucking kids."
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Just to spice things up I said to my wife, "We'll do a bit of role play tonight."
She was well up for it.
So I said, "You dress up like Whitney Houston and I'll run you a bath!"
Too soon? Naaaah.
=====
Press 'Pay at Pump'
Insert card and enter PIN.
"Lift nozzle to begin fuelling."
"Maximum amount £99.00"
"Minimum delivery 2 litres."
This gives me a window of about an eighth of a second.
=====
I came so close to a threesome last night.
So close, in fact, that they nearly saw me.
=====
I've decided I'm too fat and going on a diet,
Because the other day I put some money in my front pocket,
Then realised I wasn't wearing any trousers.
=====
The doctor made me feel very uncomfortable at my prostate exam yesterday.
He slumped in his chair afterwards and lit a cigarette.
=====
I tried avoiding vodka today but its 40% stronger than me.
=====
I wonder if Mormon husbands can get wedding rings that say One ring to rule them all.
=====
Ever noticed how the word bed, looks like a bed.
=====
Always take a tin of novelty pasta to wedding receptions.
That way, if you get bored, you can throw a few shapes on the dancefloor.
=====
Even though Bonnie Tyler loves coffee she's still not been in Starbucks or Costa since they opened in Neath.
I think she's holding out for a Nero.
=====
I decided to have a go at Britains Strongest Man yesterday.
Stupid idea really, he lifted me off the floor by my nose, and told me to fuck off.
=====
Mancini has said their will be a new face arriving at eastlands,
Tevez and Lescott are fighting over who gets it.
=====
Statement from Barack Obama
"The soldier acted alone and in no way shape or form can one man represent a countries views or ways of life!"
Except: Bin Laden, Kim Jong Il, Gadaffi, Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Napoleon I, Mussolini, Fidel Castro, Saddam Hussein, Romanescu, Ian Smith, Pinochet, Blaire, Barack Obama, amongst others.
=====
Jeremy Kyle should be an odds-on favourite as a jockey at Cheltenham.
He's yet to fall off his high fucking horse.
=====
Bobbi Kristina has claimed that the spirit of her mother Whitney Houston is present in her home as the lights keep switching on and off at night.
Fair enough, but Bobbi, if you opt for the exorcism route and you get no joy, call me.
I'm an electrician.
=====
If you want anyone to say something nice about you, then you either have to retire, die or win the lottery.
Preferably not in that order.
=====
How does batmans mother call him to dinner?
She doesn't, she's dead.
=====
I think I must be going bald.
It's taking longer and longer to wash my face in the morning.
=====
I drove my daughter's guinea pig to the vet's this morning.
I'm quite handy with my new Callaway golf clubs.
=====
I don't understand all these ads on the internet 'Get an eight inch penis now'.
If I wanted my penis to be eight inches, I'd just go out in the cold.
=====
I've just opened my son's credit card statement.
£566 on Internet porn!
Fuck, he's going to kill me when he sees it.
=====
I've just found out I'm Rick Astley's son.
The lying bastard.
=====
Takeshi's Castle should be used as border control into the UK.
=====
So Wednesday was steak and blow job day.
So that explains why David Cameron turned up at the White House.
=====
After visiting Wales, I've finally found out why Sheep wear those bells around their necks,
Rape alarms.
=====
During the Second World War, Bradford saw some of the most severe bombing raids the UK has ever seen, 95% of the city's houses were destroyed.
When Winston Churchill subsequently visited the town to inspect the damage, he exclaimed 'Oh, what a terrible scene, never have I witnessed such a desolate and ugly sight'...
The Mayor replied 'No, the bombed bit's over there'.
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I was driving along the motorway, when a pungent, peculiar smell began to emanate from underneath my hood.
Obviously worried, I pulled over onto the hard shoulder to investigate.
Yep. Sure enough, yeast infection.
=====
Blind people should have sex with burns victims.
Not only would looks not matter, they may be interesting reading too.
=====
My mate just said, "That nodding head you've got in the back of your car is so realistic, where did you get it from?"
"It's Michael. J Fox."
=====
I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night.
As she got in I asked, "How much for a blow job?"
She said, "Thirty quid."
"Can you do twenty?"
"Yeah, okay" she replied.
"Great, here's £600 then."
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Hosepipe ban for households.
Watercannons likely to be used by police.
All welcome to join the protest on my front lawn.