A breakdown if the duties of the 13,500 military personnel who are being drafted in to provide Security at next summer's Olympics has been leaked.
Guard Outside Olympic Stadium = 2
Guard Inside Olympic Stadium = 4
Prevent Beach Vollyball Bukkake 13,494
=====
''Safety first'' is a great phrase because it follows its own advice.
=====
I did speed last night.
The worst part was digging him up.
=====
Facebook is like a fridge.
When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes
to see if there's anything good in it.
=====
Listening to Bjork makes me want to stab my ears with a fjork.
=====
Honey, I'm home!"
You know you're a lonely fucker when all you have to announce your arrival
to is preservatives..........and a tin of Spam.
=====
If the disabled really want to be treated equally, how come their spaces
aren't randomly strewn across a car park?
=====
A genie granted me a wish earlier. I knew about the '12-inch pianist' joke and
didn't want to make the same mistake, so I asked for a 12-inch cock instead.
Now I'm saddled with Tom Cruise.
=====
Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to rush back
dressed as Santa Clause with a sign that says, "Help, need ride."
=====
Sky News : Inflation figures show bread and fuel prices are down.
Win win situation if you like petrol sandwiches.
=====
Sometimes my Jehovah's Witness friends get mad at me for ignoring them when
they try to tell me knock knock jokes.
=====
Wow, this is sex so cool! I am typing this not sex with a keyboard, but sex with a special machine sex that reads your mind and sex writes it down on sex the screen! How cool sex is that?!
=====
I knocked at my neighbour's door today.
"Your poodle has just chased my wife down the street," I said. "It almost bit her hand off!"
"I'm so sorry," he frowned. "Is she ok?"
"Yes, she's fine! Buy a fucking a greyhound or something, will you?"
=====
Isn't it ironic that Unicef have a dinner to raise money for starving Children.
=====
What's the difference between my £50 Ford Fiesta and a £50 million Fernando Torres?
My £50 Fiesta starts.
Guard Outside Olympic Stadium = 2
Guard Inside Olympic Stadium = 4
Prevent Beach Vollyball Bukkake 13,494
=====
''Safety first'' is a great phrase because it follows its own advice.
=====
I did speed last night.
The worst part was digging him up.
=====
Facebook is like a fridge.
When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes
to see if there's anything good in it.
=====
Listening to Bjork makes me want to stab my ears with a fjork.
=====
Honey, I'm home!"
You know you're a lonely fucker when all you have to announce your arrival
to is preservatives..........and a tin of Spam.
=====
If the disabled really want to be treated equally, how come their spaces
aren't randomly strewn across a car park?
=====
A genie granted me a wish earlier. I knew about the '12-inch pianist' joke and
didn't want to make the same mistake, so I asked for a 12-inch cock instead.
Now I'm saddled with Tom Cruise.
=====
Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to rush back
dressed as Santa Clause with a sign that says, "Help, need ride."
=====
Sky News : Inflation figures show bread and fuel prices are down.
Win win situation if you like petrol sandwiches.
=====
Sometimes my Jehovah's Witness friends get mad at me for ignoring them when
they try to tell me knock knock jokes.
=====
Wow, this is sex so cool! I am typing this not sex with a keyboard, but sex with a special machine sex that reads your mind and sex writes it down on sex the screen! How cool sex is that?!
=====
I knocked at my neighbour's door today.
"Your poodle has just chased my wife down the street," I said. "It almost bit her hand off!"
"I'm so sorry," he frowned. "Is she ok?"
"Yes, she's fine! Buy a fucking a greyhound or something, will you?"
=====
Isn't it ironic that Unicef have a dinner to raise money for starving Children.
=====
What's the difference between my £50 Ford Fiesta and a £50 million Fernando Torres?
My £50 Fiesta starts.
I've started a confidential group for people who can't stop talking.
It's called, 'On anon anon'
=====
My mate just rang me in a panic and said, "I've just found the wife's cat unconscious in the kitchen next to a bottle of spilt vodka! What shall I do, she'll be home soon?"
I said, "If I were you, I'd clean up the vodka and then draw a massive cock on the cats forehead."
=====
It's been scientifically proven that men who wear skinny jeans cannot have children.
Not because they squeeze your testicles, but because any man who wears skinny jeans is a homosexual.
=====
Eminem: "I don't care if you're black, white, straight, bisexual, gay, lesbian, short, tall, fat, skinny, rich or poor. If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. Simple as that".
I agree with that, except if you're ginger. Then you should die.
=====
Facebook Update : Britain is now in a complicated relationship with Europe
=====
My wife came home from work last night and downed a pint of lager in one go.
"Mmm that was just like our cock" she smiled.
"What, really long, cool and tasty?"
"No" she laughed, "It didn't touch the sides."
Fucking Bitch.
=====
Oh come on! What's all this fuss over Chuck Norris? He's a stupid actor and if he's that 'all powerful' then he'd come to my house and slap my head against the keyboaj23oj423oiuh4j32j14kkj2134kj132j4h12jh4k.
=====
Voting for the best singer on the X Factor is like voting for the breed of dog that lays the nicest-tasting turds.
=====
"Sorry seems to be the hardest word."
Only if you're Chinese.
=====
My mate just texted me: 'What are you up to?'
I text back: 'Just raping my daughter's Xmas present'
He wrote: 'Lol.....You mean wrapping?'
'No, I've got her a pony'
=====
I'm not really a Cat man.
Probably because I was never bitten by a Radioactive Cat.
=====
Just bought FIFA 12 and I already noticed a glitch.
When you play away at Wigan Athletic they have a full stadium.
=====
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
Half of Essex.
=====
Overweight?
I prefer 'Ideal weight...........and then some'.
=====
I like to test the water before asking a girl out.
Although I don't usually see them again after I've asked for a urine sample.
=====
So they're doubling the number of security guards for the Olympics.
Many from the private sector. Which in my opinion is a mistake.
In plain English that's bouncers.
People dedicated to not letting people in if they're wearing trainers.
=====
The papers are saying Little Mix could be 'the next Spice Girls'.
I agree.
They're fucking shit.
=====
As I stood by the net, my opponent threw down his tennis racquet. He'd been beaten by three sets to one.
"Ha," I laughed. "I told you a baseball bat was better for culling badgers."
=====
My wife was moaning at me earlier, ''You never surprise me with anything, all my friend's partners surprise them all the time with chocolate and presents!''
So I bought the bitch a Kinder Egg.
=====
What do Scousers put in their stockings at Christmas?
Their heads.
=====
I rolled up my sleeves earlier.
Which was a bit pointless as I probably won't smoke them.
It's called, 'On anon anon'
=====
My mate just rang me in a panic and said, "I've just found the wife's cat unconscious in the kitchen next to a bottle of spilt vodka! What shall I do, she'll be home soon?"
I said, "If I were you, I'd clean up the vodka and then draw a massive cock on the cats forehead."
=====
It's been scientifically proven that men who wear skinny jeans cannot have children.
Not because they squeeze your testicles, but because any man who wears skinny jeans is a homosexual.
=====
Eminem: "I don't care if you're black, white, straight, bisexual, gay, lesbian, short, tall, fat, skinny, rich or poor. If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. Simple as that".
I agree with that, except if you're ginger. Then you should die.
=====
Facebook Update : Britain is now in a complicated relationship with Europe
=====
My wife came home from work last night and downed a pint of lager in one go.
"Mmm that was just like our cock" she smiled.
"What, really long, cool and tasty?"
"No" she laughed, "It didn't touch the sides."
Fucking Bitch.
=====
Oh come on! What's all this fuss over Chuck Norris? He's a stupid actor and if he's that 'all powerful' then he'd come to my house and slap my head against the keyboaj23oj423oiuh4j32j14kkj2134kj132j4h12jh4k.
=====
Voting for the best singer on the X Factor is like voting for the breed of dog that lays the nicest-tasting turds.
=====
"Sorry seems to be the hardest word."
Only if you're Chinese.
=====
My mate just texted me: 'What are you up to?'
I text back: 'Just raping my daughter's Xmas present'
He wrote: 'Lol.....You mean wrapping?'
'No, I've got her a pony'
=====
I'm not really a Cat man.
Probably because I was never bitten by a Radioactive Cat.
=====
Just bought FIFA 12 and I already noticed a glitch.
When you play away at Wigan Athletic they have a full stadium.
=====
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
Half of Essex.
=====
Overweight?
I prefer 'Ideal weight...........and then some'.
=====
I like to test the water before asking a girl out.
Although I don't usually see them again after I've asked for a urine sample.
=====
So they're doubling the number of security guards for the Olympics.
Many from the private sector. Which in my opinion is a mistake.
In plain English that's bouncers.
People dedicated to not letting people in if they're wearing trainers.
=====
The papers are saying Little Mix could be 'the next Spice Girls'.
I agree.
They're fucking shit.
=====
As I stood by the net, my opponent threw down his tennis racquet. He'd been beaten by three sets to one.
"Ha," I laughed. "I told you a baseball bat was better for culling badgers."
=====
My wife was moaning at me earlier, ''You never surprise me with anything, all my friend's partners surprise them all the time with chocolate and presents!''
So I bought the bitch a Kinder Egg.
=====
What do Scousers put in their stockings at Christmas?
Their heads.
=====
I rolled up my sleeves earlier.
Which was a bit pointless as I probably won't smoke them.