I was told by my Doctor that I have dementia.
But I'm going to see my Doctor about it.
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My girlfriend is so annoying! "Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm pretty?"
Why doesn't she just answer me?
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I told my mate, "I'm going to start a religion that I will say was founded hundreds of years ago, make up rules to suit me and write a wholly unbelievable book about it."
"What a load of shit", he said, "I don't believe it."
"Blasphemy!", I shouted at him, while standing up and pointing.
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MTV News: Justin Bieber has been photographed kissing a young man in a New York club.
That should stop all the stories about her being a lesbian.
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BBC News: Two women accused of trying to smuggle cocaine into Spain.
ironically, mainly on the plane.
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What's the difference between 'Approximately' and 'Roughly'?
Women never treat me approximately.
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I made love to my girlfriend last night just like they do in the movies.
I was fast, she was furious.
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I complained to my local MP about immigration.
"My brother and his wife were kidnapped by Somalian pirates!"
"I'm sorry to hear that," he replied, "But I don't see how you can blame that on our immigration policy."
"Really?" I retorted. "They were on Basildon boating lake at the time."
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That Dyson Airblade is the messiest urinal I've ever used.
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Kaley Cuoco from the Big Bang Theory.
The only time I would swap a million pound for one Penny.
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Sky News: "Huge Grant Saves Derelict Theatre".
That was nice of him.
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I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me.
I get it.
No need to gloat that they make more money than me.
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So, Luis Suarez wants to leave Liverpool for Arsenal.
That's like dumping one Chuckle brother for the other.
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Government spying on people they work for - security.
People spying on government that work for them - terrorists.
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I said to my son, "You do realise that children your age who live in a poverty hit country and who have no education make the trainers that are on your feet?"
"That's disgusting, Daddy," he said.
"It is when you think that you come from a wealthy country, have a good education and can't even tie the fucking laces on the trainers they can make."
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BBC NEws: A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a film.
At the funeral, his mother walks towards the Director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
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'Chris Brown suffers seizure and is hospitalised...'
That's not part of a joke, I just really enjoy reading it.
Twat
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"This doesn't feel right," I thought to myself, as I was having sex with my dead grandmother.
That's when I looked down and realised I was still wearing my socks.
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All of my Ex's refer to me as 'Subway'.
Not because I've got a foot-long, but because I have low quality meat and lied about it being 6 inches.
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I hope child protective services takes away George Lucas's newborn fourth child before it is too late.
Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and The Phantom Menace prove George can only make three of something before he starts to bugger it.
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There's a film about Supergirl going to be made.
The advertising strapline for it will go : "Is it a bird?"
"Yep"
Sky News: The two British girls arrested in Peru for smuggling cocaine are claiming they were told it was marmalade.
Police are looking for a short brown bear with a blue coat for questioning.
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I stopped to watch a bloke fishing.
"How can you tell there are any fish in there?" I asked.
"Little eddies in the water," he replied.
"And he told you?"
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At first I thought I could handle being a police detective with schizophrenia.
But now I'm starting to question myself.
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I bought a new carpet today.
He's a gerbil named Roger and he lives in my glove-box.
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According to my pedometer, I just masturbated for 5 miles.
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I picked up an old lamp in an antiques shop and thought to myself, "I wonder what would happen if I rubbed this?"
Just as I did, a shop assistant appeared.
Worst magic lamp ever.
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
AHH
AHH Who?
Werewolves of London
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The Xbox One unboxing showed that the new Xbox comes with a free sticker!
Your move Sony.
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I can safely say I wear the trousers in my relationship.
Mainly because she makes me wear them.
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First they shoot you.
Then they frame you.
Then they hang you, on the wall.
Photographers, eh!
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I was in the pub last night and chatted up my mates gorgeous blonde sister.
Later, I took a picture of us both lying naked on the bed and sent it to my best mate as a bit of a brag.
I regret this now, its amazing how much Dave looks like Davina when you're pissed.
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After inspecting my Ford Focus for half an hour, the guy looked at me and said, "We can offer you £1500."
"No thanks," I replied, "I'm not selling it."
"So why are you here then?" he asked.
"I just wanted to prove that you don't buy any car."
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The Pink Panther's To Do list:
- To do
- To do
- To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo
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Sky News: After Wednesday's game between England and Scotland, 10,000 beer cans were left in Trafalgar Square by Scottish football fans.
Both of them have been arrested.
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My girlfriend has threatened to leave me after she caught me with a cucumber stuck up my arse.
Fuck knows what she would do if I told her I was just feeding the hamster.
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When my girlfriend said she wanted to settle down with kids I couldn't believe it.
I had no idea she was a paedophile.
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Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Rohypnol is cheaper,
Than dinner for two.
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Stevie wonder walks into a bar.
Then into a chair.
And then into a table.
Before finally sitting down on the plunger in the bathroom
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I like to change my underwear before meeting a woman.
I'm the worst speed dater ever.
=====
On a blind date, the girl asked me "what's your pet hate?"
"He hates it when I flick his balls when he's trying to take a shit" was met with some surprise.
=====
My old grandad once said, "Don't believe everything you hear."
That was great advice.
Or was it?!
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I walked up to the counter in Marks & Spencer this morning and said, "I bought these from here yesterday and look! There's a little maggot inside."
"Sir, please button up the boxer shorts."
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I was playing with my two-year-old nephew, I chuckled, "I've got your nose. I've got your nose." But then he started crying.
Sometimes I just don't know my own strength.
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I shit my pants last night, which was weird.
I can't remember eating them.
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I got slapped and called a pervert today for staring at a girl's tits.
Worst strip club ever.
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The police wanted to know if I meant to hit my wife with the car. After showing them my skid marks they said...
"Ok, thank you, Mr Smith, but we're not sure how you pulling down your pants is helping".
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I'm not saying my ex is lazy but she's just been diagnosed with singular sclerosis.
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I was dissapointed by the clothes I broughtfrom an epilepsy charity shop.
They didn't fit.
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I've just got back from a 6 month intensive thai boxing course.
So if anybody has any cravats that need gift packaging - I'm your man.