Anyone else wonder why Call Of Duty is a certificate 18, yet you can join the Army at 16.
A year before you can legally drive a car.
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Isn't it ironic that women complain that chivalry is dead, after it was killed off by feminism.
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I phoned the vet up today to cancel my cat's appointment.
"Yes hi, I don't need to bring the cat in now. We gave him some aspirin."
"Oh and that worked?" asked the receptionist.
"No he's dead"
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Iceland: 12 cans of special brew £8.
That's why bums go to Iceland.
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I went into a lesbian pub by mistake.
I noticed straight away that it was a real tough place.
Even the pool table had no balls.
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A recently discovered fruitfly species has evolved to have detailed pictures of ants on each of its wings.
Scientists believe this is a defence mechanism to deter predators.
Fucking useless against anteaters though.
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I see Miley Cyrus has been causing uproar again, Smoking a spliff in Amsterdam.
I wonder what will her next move be? Eating cheese in Wensleydale? Doing poppers in Soho?!?!
Calm down Miley.
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McFly and Busted a super group?
That's like combining the Tories and Lib Dems and calling them a government.
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What does a Catholic shout during sex?
"Get off me Father!"
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What's white and runs down windows?
Apple.
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Jenna Jameson is returning to porn, saying that she's doing it for her children.
Jammy bastards.
My mum won't even get undressed in front of me.
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Anyone else find it ironic that the Catholic Church says that anyone reading one of Dan Brown's books, such as the Da Vinci Code, should be aware that they are largely fictional and full of unverifiable historical information.
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Back in my day we didn't have camera phones.
You actually had to take a girl home before you could show her your penis.
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There's a guy going around town telling people that I've got the smallest penis he's ever seen.
Whatever happened to Doctor-patient confidentiality?
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BBC News: Lamborghini turns 50.
And like most 50 year olds, it bought itself a Porsche.
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I've been spending a lot of time trying to write jokes today, then I heard Mcfly and Busted were joining forces and referring to themselves as a super group.
Can't compete with that, fucking joke of the week hands down.
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Following last week's devastating typhoon, warships from the UK and US have been sent to the Philippines.
Talk about kicking them when they're down.
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I finally got around to watching the controversial "Wrecking Ball" video by Miley Cyrus.
All things considered, the most offensive thing in that video was her singing voice.
The more I speak with them, the more convinced I am that IKEA employees were once shoppers who just got fucking lost.
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Yes, that bloke who invented the invisibility cloak had his 15 minutes of fame.
But where is he now?
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E. L. James, creator of "50 Shades of Grey", is now the world's best-paid author.
In other news, J. K. Rowling announces her next book: "Harry Potter & the bedroom of pain".
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Given Spider-Man's building-scaling acrobatics, they really should have called him Peter Parkour.
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The world would be a better place if there was a little grenade under the ringpulls on cans of Special Brew.
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My mate said he wanted to be 'more street'.
So I parked my car on him.
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I ordered a latte at Starbucks.
The bloke made me a full cup and designed the foam to look like the Apple logo.
"That's really creative," I said, "I appreciate it."
"Thank you sir," he smiled, "That would be £199."
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I killed a vampire on Halloween this year...........or a kid.
Either way, a wooden stake works.
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Hungarian doctors who delivered a baby to a brain-dead mother say this is only the third case in the world.
Bollocks. There's fucking hundreds of them on every council estate where I've lived.
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I was caught by surprise at the free concert Miley Cyrus in the local town center today.
Took me 20 minutes to realise it was just a homeless woman shouting at a dead rat.
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As I checked out of The Grand Hotel I was asked by the receptionist if I'd answer a short survey.
"How did you find the facilities here?" she asked.
"Brilliant!" I replied. "Automatic lights, self adjusting shower, 60 inch plasma TV and state-of-the-art spa. It's all so science fiction."
"And would you like to stay here in the future?"
"Fuck me! Don't tell me you've got a time machine too."
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I gave my girlfriend a surprise shoulder rub, last night.
You should've seen her face when I popped up from the back seat.
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This big lifeguard at the local pool shouted, "Hey, you can't dive in there!"
"Oh yeah," I replied, "what's going to stop me?"
"The bottom of the shallow end."
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Jim Morrison of the Doors: 'Keep your eyes on the road and your hands upon the wheel.'
Great safety-first advice for drivers.
Catastrophic advice for cyclists.
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I saw an ex-girlfriend in town earlier and we had a really nice chat. As we said cheerio to each other I gave her a hug and she smiled.
"You've changed," she said, "You seem so much more mature now."
I'd love to have seen her face when she found the "I suck cock" note I stuck on her back.
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Just got a voucher for £5 off any item over £10 in Lidl.
Well thats pretty useless then.
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I was walking through a park the other day when a man came over to me,
"Excuse me, I've just tried to start my car but the battery is dead, would you mind giving me a push?"
"Of course I don't mind" I replied
"Fantastic!" he said jumping onto the Merry-go-round, "This should kill half an hour until the AA gets here!"
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Gary Lineker is due to sign a new advertising deal with Walkers.
Negotiations are in the hands of his advertising agent Chris Peters.
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Apparently, my mate's new girlfriend told him she liked it doggy style this morning.
So, tonight, he's taken her up the woods to throw a few sticks for her.
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Being quite drunk last night and unable to hold it in any longer, I unzipped my jeans and had a shit by the river.
Now I can't go play Poker with them anymore.