So, how much do you want to bet that The Falklands become some kind of 'Holy Land' in the next few months?
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Apparently Clare Balding has recently admitted being gay.
Which is weird because I saw him kissing a girl last night.
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I got fired from my job.
They found out I don't really have Tourette's.
=====
No matter how hard I try and mentally push the envelope off the table,
It always remains stationery.
=====
As a child I used to love a nice warm shower in the morning.
That's why I always let my incontinent brother have the top bunk.
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I don't see why the press are making such a big deal about Justin Bieber's recent meltdown. Taking forever to show up when expected, and having fits of rage at people.
That's just your typical teenage girl.
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Pope Benedict resigned, saying that at 85 he didn't have the strength or energy to carry out his duties.
A few months ago, at 87, Hugh Hefner married his 26 year old girlfriend.
Doesn't say much for a life of celibacy, does it?"
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My Mum said to me last week that she had been looking forward to Mother's Day for ages.
"Why? Your Mum's dead".
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"I've been thinking about the future." My girlfriend said. "I think we'll still be together in five years, maybe even married. And after that, the possibilities are endless. What do you think?"
"Do these endless possibilities include a threesome with your sister?"
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I thought that the new Pope would be a woman, given the amount of time it took him to get ready.
=====
I love hot dogs.
That's why I leave mine in the car with the windows up.
=====
I've learned one thing after my trip to New York.
Never trust a homeless guy who's selling warm lemonade to you.
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"My wife thinks I'm a really lousy lover," I said to my friend, "Has your wife ever said that to you?"
"No, I don't think she's ever even mentioned your name."
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It becomes slightly awkward and weird when I'm watching TV with my parents and there's a sex scene.
Why won't they leave the room while I'm masturbating?
=====
I got on the bus in Earls Court today.
A Little boy with his parents said "Look daddy, more poor people are getting on the bus" to which the parents responded with a toffee nosed laugh.
They say when you are young, you learn something new everyday.
That little boy learned the word Cunt today.
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According to Nick Clegg "The Tory party is like a broken shopping trolley that veers to the right"
He should know, he has a good view from the child seat.
=====
I was in Bangkok last week and wanted to stay away from the ''seedy'' aspect of the city.
One afternoon, I saw a sign offering ''Sports Massage''.
''Great'', I thought ''that should be quite safe'', so I went in, paid my money, took off my clothes and waited.
Then along came this beautiful Thai girl who got undressed, sat down next to me and then wanked me off with a boxing glove.
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My date was disgusted to see that I had a condom in my wallet.
"What?" I replied. "Surely you should be pleased that I have safe sex".
"I am" she said, "But you can't reuse them".
=====
Look! Its a bird, it's a plane.
No, you're shit at origami.
=====
I'm not saying that the shit I just did stank, but the toilet windows opened themselves.
I thought my mum had finally learnt how to text speak when I got a message from her.
Turns out she was having a stroke.
=====
My mate went to see a marriage counsellor after months of nagging from his wife.
The counsellor asked them "Let's start by talking about what you both have in common."
Apparently my mate's comment of "Well for starters, neither one of us will suck cock." was unhelpful.
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More fucking shit on the telly.
I really must get the cats a new litter tray.
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I took a huge shit in the mother-in-laws garden and now she thinks I'm a fucking weirdo.
I'm surprised she even noticed it was missing.
=====
"Son, your mother asked me to have a chat with you. She's looked at your internet history!"
"I'm sorry, so she's seen the porn I've been downloading?"
"Yes, I need to take a look at it. Your Mum thinks I might learn something."
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If the male soul had calories, women would probably stop devouring them.
=====
I've never asked a rhetorical question.
How cool is that?
Shit.
=====
What is it about being a Womble that is so easy to forget?
=====
What do you call a guy who goes fishing using his leg?
Rodney.
=====
Scientists say that the universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons.
They forgot one.
Morons.
=====
My girlfriend asked me if I knew my waist measurement.
I had to guess, but I reckon the one I did this morning was nearly a foot long.
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Black smoke = No decision yet
White Smoke = New Pope appointed
115 blokes in red dresses trying to make a run for it out of the back door of the Sistine Chapel = Operation Yewtree raid.
=====
Beechams cold relief tablets are shit.
I've just eaten a whole packet and I'm still fucking freezing.
=====
My elation quickly subsided as I realised what winning on Ant and Decs takeaway actually meant.
I'm now the proud owner of a £750 short term loan, a solicitor to pay off the PPI attached to it, and a stepson that doesn't like gherkins.
=====
Well, according to my cholesterol test I took today, I'm a pizza.
=====
My mate hasn't always been pro gay.
He used to be amateur gay.
=====
One of my wife's great-grandparents was from Switzerland.
She's a bit ch.
=====
I don't know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
=====
So they've just hailed a new Pope in, which is quite ironic, because 'Hailed Pope' is an anagram of paedophile
=====
Is it just me or would this papal election have been far more interesting if they treated it like The Hunger Games?
=====
The Queen has phoned in sick again.
Verbal warning when she gets back.
=====
It's a shame Justin Bieber won't return to the UK
It means I'll now have to travel to the other side of the world, just to strangle the little turd.
=====
How do you know when your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids?
When she flips you over, holds you down and fucks you.
Up the arse with her clitoris.
=====
I think my neighbour had something to do with electing a new pope.
Either that or his head gaskets gone.
=====
So, Pope Francis only has one lung.
He may not be able to give a very powerful public address, but at least the choir boys can outrun him.
=====
I like to tag myself in the bushes of random girl's Facebook pictures.
Just to keep them on their toes.
=====
I finally found the real definition of TOWIE.
Talentless Orange Wankers in Essex.
=====
Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I like breasts or legs. I told her what I really liked, was a nice shaved snatch.
Apparently I'm not welcome in KFC anymore.
=====
Women, eh!.
They don't like it when you ask their age, but kill you if you forget their birthday.
=====
My doctor has advised me against eating any more dry roasted peanuts.
My arse keeps ripping the finger off his rubber gloves.