I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician."
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I was really pleased when the wife went out last night.
She'd been smoldering in the garden for nearly three days.
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UEFA plans to solve the issue of racism at Euro 2012 with a "zero tolerance" policy.
I thought it was a lack of tolerance that caused the problem in the first place.
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Hugh Hefner having sex without viagra must be like piercing a capri-sun with an earthworm.
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Credit must go to Rhianna's backing dancers.
I tried dancing with an erection once and it almost ruined my brothers wedding.
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Does anyone else think the reason that E.T spoke that way was because he was actually standing on his own bollocks?
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What's the difference between me and Justin Bieber?
Girls run towards him screaming.
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I walked up to David Cameron this afternoon and went,"OMG David Cameron..My dad has studied you for many years."
"Big fan is he?"
"No,a gynecologist."
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What to say when you get into a crowded hotel hot tub: "Ahhhh, that feels SO good on my genital warts."
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I hope there's not a huge turnout at my Claustrophobic's Anonymous meeting tonight.
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The kids quickly found out Edward Scissorhands weakness.
And would throw rocks at him.
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A woman walks up to a man in the bar.
"What's your name gorgeous?" she whispered.
"It's Dave, but everyone who knows me calls me Saturn."
"Oooh... Is that 'cos you're out of this world?" she purred.
"Not really, it's because I've got a massive ring."
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I slept with my best friend last night. I knew I shouldn't have done it but I was really pissed.
Its going to be so awkward when I take him for a walk later.
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A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity.
I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf.
You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?
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I killed two Yorkshire terriers today.
Fighting the war on terrierism.
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A lady phoned the bakery, wanting a cake with 'I SUCK' written on it.
The baker thought it was weird but made it anyway.
She was pissed off when it was delivered.
So was her son, Isaac.
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I took my two new kittens to the vet and said, "Can you tell me whether these are male or female?"
She told me, "You can sex them yourself, it's very easy to do."
I replied, "I already have, but I still don't know if they're male or female."
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After yet another argument, I stormed out and went to the pub.
The guy sitting at the bar next to me could see I wasn't very happy, so he started chatting.
"Drowning your sorrows, mate?" He queried
"Yeah, just having some problems at home" I replied
"I've been through the same thing" he said "when you get home,
tell her you have a surprise for her.
take her upstairs,
into the bedroom,
tell her to close her eyes,
and just rip her knickers down and lick her fanny until she screams with pleasure.
She'll calm down then, and you'll be able to talk to her"
"I might just do that. Cheers mate" I replied,
as I cheerfully finished my pint and made my way home.
So I got home, and did exactly what he said.
Now mum's asked me to move out.
I found a money spider in the garden today.
The bloke in the shop told me to fuck off when I tried to buy some cigarettes with it.
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Dear MTV,
I'm gonna start my own TV network called RealityTV, RTV and play nothing but music videos.
See how you fucking like it.!
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Greece Euro winners 2004.
Spain Euro winners 2008.
Now both bankrupt.
Anybody else hoping Germany win?.
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I once suspected my wife of being a lesbian.
Turns out she was addicted to tuna.
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Here we are at the 100m Ladies final, and from left to right it's:
No, No, Yes, Maybe, from behind, maybe with a bag on her head, definitely not.
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I thought my wife was a lesbian once, but I was wrong.
Apparently she was a lesbian lots of times.
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The Sun: Base jumper died after a '3 hour cliff hell'.
Well done to the bloke for lasting that long, one rendition of 'Summer Holiday' normally has me reaching for a noose.
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"I'm a bit nervous" I said, "I haven't been with a prostitute before."
"Just relax baby and tell me what you like." she replied.
"Turtles..."
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There is no "I" in TEAM, but there is "M" and "E"
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I had a full Scottish breakfast this morning.
Four cigarettes and a swig of Buckfast.
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Had some Jamie Oliver 'Great British Burgers' for my tea.
Pretty delicious.
Hard to say which I enjoyed most though.
The burger or having the opportunity to stab him in the face repeatedly whilst opening the packet.
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Atheism: for a brighter tomorrow.
And then the crushing, inky blackness of the rest of eternity.
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This year, I was determined to start the summer with a body I wouldn't be ashamed of at the beach.
So I lowered my standards.
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The brain is a wonderful thing. It works 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year from the moment we are born.
Except when you sit a fucking exam.
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A man recently paid £27,000 for a ticket to the 100 metres final at The Olympics.
He doesn't know I'm in the seat behind him. Ready to cover his eyes when the starting pistol fires.
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INSTALLING SUMMER..... ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 45% DONE.
Installation failed.
404 error: Season not valid in UK
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I jumped in a cab the other day and said to the driver, "Isle of Dogs."
He said, "That's nice. I'm more of a cat man myself. Now, where do you want to go?"
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Whenever I'm on the beach and I'm caught short, I dig a hole in the sand and shit in it.
To prove I'm not all bad, I like to drop a penny in first.
I like those metal detecting to be rewarded.
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An Irishman, a Greek, a Spaniard and a Portuguese walk into a bar.
"Let me guess," said the barman. "Four pints of water"
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I've just become a Professor of Palindromes.
I'm now known as Dr. Awkward.
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I'm in a band called "Coffin Lids"
We cover the Bee Gees.
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I saw my neighbour this morning, ''Morning mate, you alright?'' he asked.
''No,'' I replied ''I think the missus has been feeding me dog food.''
''How can you tell?'' he replied.
''I've just had a shit on your front lawn.''
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How does a matador like his coffee?
Au lait!
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I came first in a recent porn audition.
Turns out you're not supposed to.
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I held a coconut shell up to my ear and I could hear the sound of a one legged horse standing very still.