Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.
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You can tell there's a recession on when even God is laying them off.
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I came home to find my sister in tears.
"What's up?" I asked her.
"Terry called me a whore today."
"No-one says that to my sister and who the fuck's Terry?" I angrily demanded.
"He's my pimp."
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Just bought a cucumber from Tesco.
Turns out its a horse's cock.
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I've always really liked horses.
Apparently.
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Roses are red,
Violets are red,
Everything's red.
You shouldn't have spurned my advances Tanya.
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When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
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Laughter is the best medicine.
Like fuck it is.
I have diarrhea and it's making things worse.
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Does anyone else find it ironic that the CIA has to leave America to find intelligence?
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Another sad result of the recent scandal is that 'Horses for courses'has now lost all its metaphorical meaning.
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I was sitting in the pub with a pint in front of me when the barmaid said, "Aren't you gonna drink that?"
"Am I fuck!" I said. "It tastes like piss."
"Oh I'm sorry, I'll pour you another. What was it?"
"Before I saw the big queue for the toilet, it was Guinness."
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Oscar Pistorius - making boyfriends look good on Valentines Day since 2013.
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The inquiry into care standards at Stafford Hospital has found staff were to blame for over 1,200 needless patient deaths, but has recommended that no prosecutions be brought.
It makes you think the only thing Harold Shipman really did wrong was opening his own practice.
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My mate told me that even though he'd been married for 20 years, his wife still made him feel like a teenager.
Constantly wanking because he's not getting any sex.
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My mobile went down on me last night.
It seems they have an app for everything.
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What do you call a room full of dead people?
An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.
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It seems showing a little cleavage, winking, and slowly dragging your finger across the palm of a cop's hand as he takes your license,only works for females.
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"Why don't you shave all your pubes off, love?" she said, handing me the razor. "It will make your cock look massive."
Bit forward, I thought, for a vasectomy nurse.
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There's this big orange rabbit who's been going around telling everyone I've stopped taking my medication.
Roses are Red
Apples are Fruity
Watch your Lasagne
It might be Black Beauty
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I was shocked in Amsterdam, when I saw a sign advertising 'duck sex'.
Then I got knocked out by two people fucking on a swing.
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Call me old fashioned, but I left my girlfriend because she had a stud inserted in her labia.
His name was Dave.
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Pope Resigns.
Being a true Catholic, he pulled out early.
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What's white and shoots across the room?
Oscar Pistorius
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My wife had a really sharp pain in her chest this morning, she thought she was having a heart attack.
It turns out it was just a Dorito in her bra.
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I knew the Pope was resigning when I spotted him at the karaoke Sunday night, singing. "That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight losing my religion".
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What if Madeleine was playing jumanji, and is in the jungle waiting for someone to roll an eight?
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I watched the Elephant man for the first time today.
Worse super hero film ever.
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So Oscar Pistorious had a cricket bat and one baseball bat behind the door, a revolver by his bed and a machine gun by the window..
Fuck me and I thought I was being adventurous with a pair of handcuffs and a dildo.
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There are probably kids nowadays who've never even heard of St Pancake.
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What's worse than having your mum walk in on you mid wank?
Explaining your Grandad's picture in your other hand.
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One of the traditional procedures whenever a Pope dies or resigns, is to ensure his papal ring is completely destroyed.
What goes around comes around.
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My girlfriend is so pleased because I always leave the toilet seat down at her place.
And I'm pleased her tub is right next to her toilet.
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BBC News: SIAM, Australia's oldest elephant, has died at Australia Zoo.
Jumbo sausages, Half price at Tesco.
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The main quality I look for in women?
Probably desperation.
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The main quality I look for in women?
Probably desperation.
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BBC News: New Corona virus kills 3 Brits.
Fucking hell!
First horse in my beef, now a deadly lager in my fridge.
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I was pretty much guaranteed a shag this Valentine's Day.
I hate being in prison.
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You know you're forever alone when all you get given for valentines day is free Pornhub Premium.
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If it's true that you are what you eat, then why am I hung like a hamster?
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"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel.
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Blood in your pee?
It could be a sign of cancer.
Now I'm not an Astrologist.
I thought that was crabs.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I didn't have a valentine
Porn hub had to do.